To cancel DD’s dance comp after what she said to her little brother?

that was my thought, too. she even refers to him as "little one" (he's 8, not 2!).

Agree this was over the top and too harsh,
Of course her initial reaction would be upset about her top. You should've let her calm down then spoken to her about not using those words even when really upset.

What?! She has "behaved childishly" because she is a child! And, IMO, her mother has behave worse - clearly favouring the son, and punishing her daughter for reacting to his behaviour.

Regardless of context that's way too hash a punishment for something said in heat when she was very upset.

But, reading between the lines, is it possible she does have a lot to put up with from him and you side with him frequently?

Did you son apologize for ruining her top?

Just to clarify, in order to “teach” your daughter that she shouldn’t over react to upsetting things, you wildly overreacted to her upset and said you’d cancel her dance competition??

Your massive “tantrum” about the competition is demonstrates the reason why your daughter “tantrums”. It’s learnt behaviour from you!

If you go on to disclose that she’s actually your DSD that really wouldn’t surprise me, you seem to treat your two children very differently.

YABU. You didn’t like what she said, fair enough, but it’s what she was feeling in the moment. I’d want to explore her actual feelings about it more, what does she mean he ruins everything? Is there a pattern of behaviour where he does stuff or reacts in ways that prevents her doing stuff?

We have to accept that siblings will have negative thoughts and emotions about each other. OTT punishments for saying them out loud won’t change the way they feel.

Look into the Siblings Without Rivalry book for some practical suggestions on how to deal with situations like this in future without further pitting your children against each other.

Absolutely this.

She’s stressed over a dance comp her reaction though harsh is due to the stress of something she wants to achieve.

You say your boy is hard.

Also has to go back and double check age as you said little one and then I double checked and his 8. That’s not a little one a little one is a toddler/reception aged to me

yabu if you ban her from something that means so much to her because your 8 year old not baby cannot not bring drinks near her things carefully.

Agree with almost everyone.

Can you offer her a second chance? If she apologises to him, talks though her emotions with you and is reasonably well behaved between now and then, can she win it back with better behaviour.

Why is he having juice next to a costume that is needed for the next day and that his mother has worked hard on?

She should not have called him a freak. She should apologise?

Did he apologise for the accident?

You need to apologise for overreacting.

Then you need to think of ways of building up their relationship.

No need to ask who your favourite child is!

I think everyone's had a bit of a difficult day. She's only 11, of course she would catastrophise about this.

Saying that, I'd probably drop her off at one of her friend's houses, explaining to their parents how childishly she has behaved. She should be embarrassed and will apologise.

Have you never reacted badly to something you’ve been excited about being ruined or cancelled?

Shes 11yo. Sounds like this was another case of the younger sibling doing something that’s spoilt what she is doing.

add to that she’s probably already at the top of her resilience as nervous about the comp she’s been training for for months.

Go and talk to her. Ask her why she reacted the way she did. And listen. Actually listen. Empathise. Then after this ask her to come up with solutions to prevent such situations in future.

could the too have been put away.
does he always spill drinks and needs to keep them on the kitchen?
does he often do things that interrupt her plans or break her things?
does him “not being easy” mean she gets less than her fair share of attention and she feels sidelined?

Im not suggesting what she said is ok. But she said it because she has big feelings at the minute and needs empathy and understanding rather than punishment.

Of you’re insisting on the punishment what punishment has her brother had for spilling a drink in that 0.2m sq space when I’m sure he could have been drinking anywhere other than right over or next to her top that was important to her.

She's 11, FGS. And is being expected to indulge her younger brother's behaviour, while her mother has a strop.

Feel really sorry for your daughter. Son is obviously a brat with a mother who thinks he can do no wrong. Can't believe you think your behaviour is reasonable.

Don't cancel the competition. She will never forget it if you do.

Yabu. Of course your DD was annoyed with her brother. It's silly to cancel over a bit of name calling.

She's only 11, she doesn't have the perspective of an adult, who would have recognised a genuine accident and not roasted him over the coals for it.

Sounds like this dance competition means a lot to her, she had a very specific outfit she wanted to wear (which you've put a lot of time and effort into) and for it to be ruined, whether by accident or not, she was bound to react emotionally to it.

I would have let her calm down and then empathised with her upset, but made it clear that it's unacceptable to say unkind things and she needs to apologise and then tell her in specific ways how she could have handled it better,

YABU

You are unhappy with her overreaction but you have dove exactly the same.

You cannot expect her to act rational if you don’t.

Thank goodness you have a partner who is able to give an unbiased view.

Apologise to her and let her go to the dance competition.

But if he is constantly winding her up and breaking things, you need to see things from her point of view.

Sorry but no.
Calling anyone ableist slur like a freak is NEVER acceptable
If he is winding her, he needs to learn to stop (Thars the OP’s and her DP’s job) and she needs to learn to answer back to that wo insult but with boundaries.

But tbh seeing the reaction of this little boy, I doubt that him constantly winding her up what is happening there. He wouldn’t have burst into tears.
He might well have been frightened by her reaction, seeing how he had a sister. constantly going on about her show. And clearky is used to be stroppy (see the Whatever she answered to her mum)

8 is old enough to not spill juice all over her top ( unless there's a massive drip about a disability ) sounds like this type of thing happens a lot so I'm not surprised she's annoyed, but sure go ahead and esculate the situation by choosing the very worst punishment for her, that will improve the sibling relationship for sure.

I am the eldest and had to put up with this from all my younger siblings and a mother that expected me to behave far beyond my years towards them to keep the peace.... I wasn't consulted on having siblings but I sure suffered for them!

Yes she should go.
BUT seriously consider going forward if you can gracefully handle the responsibility of being a competitive dance mom.
At this point she needs you to enable this BUT it really takes a certain level of organization networking and fortitude from those around your daughter.
Did you check to confirm the bedazzle was necessary??

YABU

Your language about your daughter’s competition speaks volumes:

Was rushing around trying to get everything sorted for tomorrow, eldest (11, Yr 7) has a dance comp she’s been banging on about for weeks. Spent half my bloody life glueing gems to a crop top she INSISTED she had to have.

Of course she would be talking about it, it’s a dance competition, something she likely worked very hard on.

Considering you were the one who did the gems on the crop top begrudgingly, shouldn’t you have been more upset with your son for ruining the crop top? Why did he have juice near it to begin with? Why was it out?

You don’t sound very supportive at all. You could have glued the gemstones with your daughter instead of doing it yourself.

Her name-calling was not on but your automatic go to cancelling the competition only proves more that you don’t care about your daughter’s hobby.