To cancel DD’s dance comp after what she said to her little brother?

Well, OP assumed it was an accident. It might not have been one. How little brother was drinking a full glass of juice coincidentally above his sister’s costume is a bit of a mystery.

Your son is your favourite child. Calling him a little one when he is 8. You need to be kinder to your daughter. Don’t stop her going to the competition.

You are being overly harsh. What sibling has never made a similar comment? Let her do
the competition.

Complete overreaction and as an adult you should have calmed the situation rather than adding fuel to the fire.

Yes, she should have to apologise but everything else was OTT.

Surely you aren’t surprised that people react differently to children than they do to adults?

You could flip this the other way too. The op’s reaction to her son being upset over spilling a drink on an important item that was needed tomorrow, was ‘bless him’. I think it’s highly unlikely that anyone would have responded that way had it been a grown man (or woman).

Anyone else thinking the brother quite often responds to any dissatisfaction to him with “I’m only 8” as if that’s a fucking pass to behave any old how?!

Oh bullshit. That kid has his mummy raising him to be an entitled little Prince. He's not going to have self-esteem issues. His problem will be keeping friends because he's being raised to think he can do whatever he likes with no consequence.
The daughter, on the other hand, very well could seeing as how she is already being treated as the black sheep by her mum.

I'm guessing you don't have siblings if you think being called a freak after destroying something of a sibling's will lead to life long issues.

By that logic he should call her a spoilt, self-centred brat back.

Bless him 🙄 I don’t blame her for being furious. You should have kept him away from her top! Let her go to the competition.

It will wash out !
He's 8 ! Accidents happen
She was a brat to react like that but it's out of order to cancel her comp

I agree. OP saying Bless him, when he had just ruined DD's top. Why can he do no wrong?

I understand she would get angry, but it was an accident and there was no need for her horrible language. Children who are talked down like that by their elder siblings grow up with MH issues. She should apologise.

I can see how it may be a bit annoying that his first reaction was to burst into tears rather than to actually use his words and apologise.

He may have felt sorry but it would have been better for him to say it instead of crying and centring himself.

I know he’s only 8 but he needs to learn how to make amends for mistakes with a simple “sorry”.

I feel crying like that clearly pulled on your heartstrings instead of feeling sympathetic for your daughter and that’s possibly partly what your daughter was reacting to.

If you don't know the difference between an adult man and an eleven year old child I pity you .

@Blondra OP, don't cancel the dance competition because it's a constructive and worthwhile activity.

Find a different punishment.

I think it is hilarious to expect an 11 yr old child to be just as mature and have the emotional control of a 21 yr old man.

Has he apologised for spilling the juice? If not, then he should.

She should apologise for calling him unkind names and should be allowed to go to the competition. You can have a chat with her about kindness too.

It's a massive punishment (to her) for something that's not that bad*, and that he 'started'. Whilst you see a pattern of behaviour form her, she sees a pattern of behaviour from him. Cancelling the comp will likely lead to big resentment and won't help them get on.

*It was unkind but it was in the heat of the moment over something very important to her.

I'm amazed how many people are normalising the outburst from the daughter. My kids can bicker and snap at each other too, but saying "you're a freak who ruins everything"? Never. That is so far over the line. It would not be accepted or tolerated in my home.

Is she generally nasty to her brother? The fact he was in tears as soon as he spilled the drink and before she reacted is interesting.

I think cancelling the dance competition is the wrong move. It's not a considered or measured response. I can understand that you would be shocked and upset at what she said, but you can dial back down. You just say that your initial response was a knee jerk reaction and that, whilst she can still do the dance competition, there will be a consequence for her behaviour. What she said to her brother was absolutely vicious and attacking his character like that over a spilled drink is awful. She's is high school and she's old enough to know better.

Her words were a consequence to his actions.

Why should her punishment be harsher than his?

The sisters words sound like a child who is always expected to pander to her difficult brother.

i have a similar age gap and a son who is difficult and at around the same age my DD pointed out that it wasn’t fair for her to always have to pander to him - yes she is older but she is still a child and he was her sibling so on an equal footing.
So I learnt then never to pander to him at the expense of her or anyone else. To have boundaries and to start to leave them to it. It worked wonders for both him and their relationship as well as teaching them a lot

You’ve lashed out and over reacted, exactly what your DD did, except you’ve behaved worse and she’s a nervous stressed child. Apologise to your daughter for massively over reacting, and tell her once she has properly apologised to her brother you will be happy to take her to her dance comp. hopefully you’ve worked to save the top!

Ridiculing her in front of a friend and their parents? Dumping her until the competition is over? That is bullying.

Yes, the consequence of spilling your drink over your sister's competition outfit is she gets angry. But neither you nor the OP seem to accept that. You are expecting an 11 year old to behave far better than you as an adult would.

You are going the right way about making her hate her brother even more OP.

He ruined her top, of course she was really upset. You should have told him off for being careless (he's 8, not 3) and told her off for being rude and left it at that.

She clearly feels he ruins everything for her and in this case it was true even if it wasn't done on purpose. She is allowed to be very upset about her top getting ruined as this is obviously very important to her - why would you punish her again by not letting her go? I think you could do with some help on parenting teens/tweens and how to foster positive sibling bonds if this is how you handle situations.

Your son is 8, he is not a little one - I think you may be babying him way too much while she gets all the stick for being the eldest. I have a life long hatred of my brother because i was brought up in the same dynamic.

You and DD both sound impulsive and do/say things in the heat of the moment that you may later regret. Tell her calmly that she hurt her brother's feelings and needs to apologise properly, just as you are apologising to her for saying in anger that her comp is cancelled.

So outbursts including name calling and then petulant eye rolling and doubling down on the insult is ok?

funny how it’s not ok when men do it