To cancel DD’s dance comp after what she said to her little brother?

Waiting to be drunk I suppose?

what was the juice doing on the same table as the top?

Juice should not have been anywhere near her top for the dance comp..! At 8 your “little one” is old enough to understand and follow instructions like no food or drink near his sister’s dance outfit that you’ve spent ages on.

From what you’ve said it seems this is the latest of many incidents in which your DD’s plans / belongings get ruined by little bro. Agree she was rude but you have escalated it way too far.

I am not trying to make any sort of issue out of it. The OP grounded the DD because she had a tantrum, immediately grounded her for that.

I don't see anything wrong in that. Other posters think otherwise and criticise me. That is their prerogative. They think the punishment is harsh. I made no comment on that, just said that if the OP thought fit to ground DD, then that is what she did. Hopefully, she did it in the DD's interest to prevent a flare up.

I don't know. I wasn't there. I am against any form of physical punishment, but there is a need to show the behaviour was not acceptable. The OP did this in a recommended way. I do not have the right to criticise her for that.

Mothers always have to wonder if the punishment was right. The OP wondered if it was a suitable for the tantrum. That is natural.

Not sure why you’re trying to make this about your socio political views.
Do you believe DS should be punished? You said you only punish your children when they lie.
DS poured juice all over DD’s top...

You can show you are in charge as the parent in lots of ways without dishing out punishments.

One way is for the parent to say "I'm sorry he spilled the drink. I should have put the top safely away once I finished it /I should have made sure your brother didn't go near your top with the juice".

This will immediately de-escalate everyone. THEN you can speak calmly to the son about spilling the juice on the top and to the daughter about how she reacted.

And move on. No need to punish anyone.

The primary goals should be deescalation and regrouping.

My mother favoured my brother and I knew it. We never got on and we are not close.

You can dish out all the punishments you like but it just leaves the children angry or gleeful. It's not good for any of you long term.

Aim for harmony at all times, for regulated kids and parents, who think about the needs of others without being forced to.

And of course when my eldest DD reacts, I tend to almost instinctively protect the youngest which is wrong. I realise that.
If you realise it, bloody stop it.

Hmm. He’s 8. Beloved mummy who usually gives him all the attention was suddenly diverted to doing something for DD…
Accident my axse. My DS amd DD used to pull that shit all the time, classic sibling rivalry. I never stood for it, but the difference is that I treated them fairly, which is probably why DS & DD (now 24 & 25) are best of friends.

I’m a child psychologist, working for the family courts

You are contradicting yourself. Upthread you equated OP's DD having justified anger with her DB to having a "tantrum". The two are not the same but in any case you thought "punishment" was deserved. Now you are saying it is only lying that you punish. There is no question in the OP of anyone lying.

Are you in fact the OP trying to justify herself? if so, you have learned nothing from this thread. The poor children - gc DS included.

Annoying, and slow to understand? Not very nice, just because you don't agree with me, it is? Now if you called me facetious..........

You just like chewing over the nitty gritty and putting your own interpretation on it.

I said if that is what the OP considered punishment at the time - a grounding - I would not admonish her for that.

That she regrets it. Most mothers regret having to punish their children. It is natural. It doesn't mean the punishment was wrong, or that the child was right.

Perhaps it would help if someone thought up all the possible misdemeanours our children are likely to commit and suitable punishments to be meted out and published it as a guide to good parenting?

All parents would have to do then is to consult the book and follow the price of wrongdoing and everyone would have a model life: like they do in Stepford.

It would be a pity, because the list would have to be so long it could be hours before you actually found the right punishment appropriate for the deed, and give it hours later, instead of at the right time.

My children are only punished for lying. Everything else is a mistake. Lying is definitely the worse thing they can do.

Children know the difference. They know when they are being unkind, and have to apologise. That is enough. They know when they break something, they just own up and tell me and it is fine. My son broke a neighbour's window and owned up right away. The neighbour was delighted, and didn't charge for the new window.

If they do something wrong, they know it is wrong and come and tell me. There is no punishment if they are sorry.

I have not known them deliberately hurt anyone either physically or mentally. Why would they? There is no need. They would not like to be grounded from the things they do.

Try it. It works with me.

He didn’t pour juice over the top, he accidentally knocked the drink over.

Pouring makes its sound deliberate.

And you know all that because?

He didn’t pour juice over the top, he accidentally knocked the drink over.

Pouring makes its sound deliberate.

Not sure why you’re trying to make this about your socio political views.
Do you believe DS should be punished? You said you only punish your children when they lie.
DS poured juice all over DD’s top...

Annoying, and slow to understand? Not very nice, just because you don't agree with me, it is? Now if you called me facetious..........

You just like chewing over the nitty gritty and putting your own interpretation on it.

I said if that is what the OP considered punishment at the time - a grounding - I would not admonish her for that.

That she regrets it. Most mothers regret having to punish their children. It is natural. It doesn't mean the punishment was wrong, or that the child was right.

Perhaps it would help if someone thought up all the possible misdemeanours our children are likely to commit and suitable punishments to be meted out and published it as a guide to good parenting?

All parents would have to do then is to consult the book and follow the price of wrongdoing and everyone would have a model life: like they do in Stepford.

It would be a pity, because the list would have to be so long it could be hours before you actually found the right punishment appropriate for the deed, and give it hours later, instead of at the right time.

Annoying, and slow to understand? Not very nice, just because you don't agree with me, it is? Now if you called me facetious..........

You just like chewing over the nitty gritty and putting your own interpretation on it.

I said if that is what the OP considered punishment at the time - a grounding - I would not admonish her for that.

That she regrets it. Most mothers regret having to punish their children. It is natural. It doesn't mean the punishment was wrong, or that the child was right.

Perhaps it would help if someone thought up all the possible misdemeanours our children are likely to commit and suitable punishments to be meted out and published it as a guide to good parenting?

All parents would have to do then is to consult the book and follow the price of wrongdoing and everyone would have a model life: like they do in Stepford.

It would be a pity, because the list would have to be so long it could be hours before you actually found the right punishment appropriate for the deed, and give it hours later, instead of at the right time.

You're being incredibly obtuse. The OP's daughter reacted angrily because she's been working hard on preparing for the competition for weeks, and her brother may have ruined her outfit, the day before she was due to compete. If someone ruins something important to you, particularly something you're hyper-focussed on, it's pretty normal to react with upset - and it's understandable that a pre-teen would struggle to manage that upset in the moment.

I'm with the OP's partner. DD should have been sent to her room to cool off (and the OP could have then taken a moment to work out if the outfit was salvageable). OP could then have a quiet word with DD, letting her know the plan for the outfit, acknowledge her upset, but let her know the namecalling is unacceptable and that she needs to apologize for it, but DS would first have to apologize for ruining the outfit.

If DD could navigate that adequately, I don't think a punishment is required. If, though, she continued to react angrily, then a grounding, or device ban, or some other punishment that doesn't include cancelling her participation in the tournament would be appropriate.

Making her apologize to DS in the moment was inflammatory.

The OP did everything she could to make the DD look nice in the competition. No one can get inside the mind of the DD as to why she threw the tantrum, but tantrum throwing has to have consequences and the OP chose that way to punish at the time.

Would grounding her DD for an even in a week's time have been kinder? Would it have been better to let DD pine and worry for a whole week, instead of instant grounding?

We don't know what goes on in reality. The OP wonders if she did the right thing. I say that if it seemed right at the time, then it probably was, however the OP felt afterwards.

Posters say she isn't being punished. I don't agree. One of the most hurtful things a mother can do is have to punish her children. Children have to learn the difference between right and wrong, and we have to teach them.

I think the OP showed that there are other ways of punishing than the violence many children have to face now. The cases which get in the news - Sara for example - are just the tip of the iceberg.