To cancel DD’s dance comp after what she said to her little brother?

Would you like to tell us, since you seem to know this family in and out? Are you their social worker?

you have no idea how far she has been pushed.

Goodness, my DC’s are all teens now and you’d be absolutely horrified if you heard some of the things they have said to each other in anger 🙈 siblings argue, sometimes they are really mean.

Get an apology done and have a cuddle and move on, all of you. Your DD is also at a stage where her puberty hormones are starting to kick in, you’ll have a very rough ride over the next few years if you overreact in this way all the time…

Jeez, I have only sympathy for your DD - you should make your DS apologise to her for his carelessness (and frankly he does sound annoying). What were you even thinking allowing juice around a costume for an important competition tomorrow? You should apologise as well. Do better!

Maybe OP was secretly hoping for a way out from having to be involved in the dance comp. It certainly sounds as though she resented the effort on the top. Maybe she doesn't mind its ruined.

It's great that you are reflecting on things and getting a more balanced perspective - but if your ds had been 'banging on' about a competition and your daughter had accidentally spilled a drink on some important part of the preparations, would you have been as angry with him if he had reacted in the moment and said something nasty to her to reflect his anger ?

Ask yourself this: How did your DD get to the point that, even though she is focused on her event and the costume, she would speak to another member of the family this way.

i.e. There could be something toxic or negative that's been allowed (by role-model example OR by not correcting previous escalating outbursts OR omission) to become her response style to perceived crises. It could be that her peers and friends have acted this way and you and your DH have not clearly nipped it in the bud before.

Your eventual frustration at her outburst seems to be at the extreme end of the 'punishment/reaction spectrum'.

You were right to NOT find her outburst in any way acceptable and to remind her to apologise to her sibling.

Again, how did it come about that she would not stop to apologise?

You say the brother is not easy ... why not? Does he not respect her space? Have you and your partner been too lenient at critical times towards him and his minor/medium indiscretions to the family, the home and his sister?

Some things are allowed, by omission or parental frustration, to not be corrected properly on an earlier occasion.

Please ... be resolute in whatever decision you make and make sure you and your DH back one another in a solution. Apply whatever conditions and consequences firmly and fairly. Don't ever, in the normal course of life, allow one sibling to feel any primacy over the other.

I personally believe you have a lot to fix/stabilise. It may take 6-18 months to affirm your consistency.

But it’s STILL not acceptable to scream at someone that they are a freak. Especially if they are ND. And then to. double down.

and by the OPs second post this nasty meanness is increasing

Crying. Shouting ‘you’ve ruined my top’. Running off and slamming doors? Yes. A child would understandably do this in the heart of the moment. But screaming that he’s a FREAK and he always ruins everything? Nope. That’s terrible behaviour.

She needs to apologise to you and her little brother, acknowledge it was just an accident and that she was wrong to over react and say she will not behave like this again. Then she gets to go.

Fucking hell, 'the apple didn't fall far from the tree'. What a nasty thing to say.

My 5-year-old DD called my 6-year-old DD a "big fat pants on fire liar" today and 6-year-old shrieked "you're ruining my whole life, I hate you!" And this was over who'd eaten the last chocolate biscuit. Kids say stuff - it's not a big deal as long as they calm down, apologise and (eventually) learn to bite the words down. I wouldn't make too much of it.

This. With bells on.

I think you’re still missing the point.

Forget what she said to him, focus on what she’s telling you. It wasn’t even that nasty honestly, siblings kind of say stuff like that to each other a lot and then next day are playing together like nothing happened. But she’s telling YOU what she feels the dynamic in your family currently is. That’s the bit you need to pay attention to.

I would sit down with her, not angry, not looking to punish, and see how she actually feels. ‘Perhaps you’re feeling like I don’t spend as much time with you because X is taking a lot of my time lately. That must be frustrating. What can we do to make time for each other?’ Or just let her talk, let her say horrible things to you about her brother without telling her off or reacting. If she says ‘I hate him, I wish he didn’t live in this house’ or whatever, don’t start shouting or tell her not to say that. Acknowledge that you’ve heard her feelings. She won’t mean it really, but that’s the way she’s able to express her feelings, so don’t invalidate them. You can reply neutrally ‘It sounds like you’re really struggling getting along with X just now.’

Me and my younger brother used to threaten to kill each other and threw cups, plates, knives at each other on the daily when we were kids.

Don’t cancel the comp.

Do not punish her, talk to her. She had a momentary loss of control because something she really cared (and that you clearly don't care about considering your language around it) was ruined by her brother being careless, not to mention the fact she probably feels resentful about the amount of attention he gets, and she's totally entitled to feel that way.

As an aside, I burnt a hole in my dress I was trying to steam the day before my daughters christening and I had a full on strop about it, I was 34 at the time but I was SO pissed off I just lost my temper. If someone else had done it I have no doubt that I would have shouted at them. Give her some grace, she's not an adult.

Is life truly like that in any household though? The top was out because OP was working on it and the competition is tomorrow. He was drinking a drink, because well, he needed a drink. Does everyone put away anything and everything that could potentially get damaged before anyone takes a sip of any liquid? Everyone must in very clinical, tidy homes.

It’s just life and when you have kids, spillages are frequent. I can see why your DD is annoyed. But DS didn’t mean it maliciously. Just needed a

‘Hey Johnny go careful! Hey Emily, don’t speak to him like that. I’ll do my best to fix it. Then move on.

You just said it herself. Her words aren't appropriate.

Absolutely this. Well said.

Yabu.
She s prepped for this.
You would be mad too if someone ruined your things
But as an adult you might deal with it better
She is 11
Show her a better way to deal with this.
Salvage the situation
Be the calm adult

but why should an 11 year old be expected to be more of an adult? She is a sister to a "full on" younger sibling waiting on a diagnosis. Its not his fault but iots certainly not hers either. You know that saying about "This is why I can't have nice things" well I bet that was going through her mind. No I don't think her words were lind or appropriate but I get what a struggle it might be to constantly have to deal with his full on ness. And yes why was the juice near the top?

Indeed. It does come across that way, the son being the favourite.

And the 11 year old is even older than the 8 year old, so is even older enough to be more careful with what voluntary vitriol comes out of her mouth, unlike the brother's accident.

At first skim read I thought you were talking about a mid-late teenager and a toddler/preschooler.

“Banging on about it” vs “bless him” - agree with others that your favouritism is blatant.

And now, after accepting that you did over react like she did, she not only has to be the only one to apologise but is going to need to suffer some future punishment for her crime too.

Thats after already admitting that your “little one” takes up a lot of time and she’s finding it hard and feeling neglected emotionally.

Perhaps your response to this should be to reflect on what she needs, realise she’s only 11 years old, show a bit more interest in her hobbies and spend some more one on one time with her.

Lord help you when they are 12 and 16 and go at it each. I zone out when my teens are arguing with each other.

Everyone needs to apologise. Your son for spilling juice, even is acidentally. Your daughter for snapping at him. You, equally, for snapping at her, over reacting, calling her horrible, and possibly leaving the top in a high traffic area. Tell her she can still dance and all move on.

I know you didnt ask, but my best advice as a parent of 3 teens, all now over 16, is to own up when you over react, explain that it was an over reaction, you are sorry, regardless of what the teen did or said to push your buttons. No buts, just the im sorry i over reacted.Teens have this absolute desire to be respected, an apology means so much to them. Obviously, there needs to be consequences to broken boundaries, as you are a parent, but they equally need to see that apologising when your behavious is wrong doesnt come with buts, and they will learn to do the same - eventually.

Look, an 8 year old is not a "little one". He's old enough to be more careful. I thought you were going to refer to a 2-3year old. So I can see why 11 yr old is annoyed!

Newsflash! Siblings fight. They might grow up to hate each other, you can expect her to be nice as pie all the time, because he's her sibling.

The punishment didn't fit the crime imo. A bit harsh. But you have to live with an 11 year old who doesn't want to speak to you, I don't.