To cancel DD’s dance comp after what she said to her little brother?

OP, are you going to tell us how your daughter got on at the competition? (As long as your daughter is aware, and is happy that you do).
If not, no need to explain. Just don’t answer!
Hope she did ok and that you praised or commiserated as required?

Let today be a new start for both of you. I know from experience that the relationship between mothers and daughters can be great! Work on it!

I’m sure she could, but maybe her mum was actually trying to help her for once? Ok, maybe not!
Or maybe she thought she wouldn’t do it properly. I think we have all noticed that mum’s patience is a little thin. Also sequins are tiny and fiddly to deal with.

This. I can't understand why you were so angry with her and why you still think she needs 'punishment'. Be on her side, OP.

Agree.

It sounds like his behaviour is an ongoing thing and she is frustrated and upset about it.

Do not cancel the competition, though I fear she may be too upset to go.

i think she needs your compassion and understanding. Why not start by acknowledging how upset she must be? That you’re sorry you lost your temper and help her clean it up in time for the competition.

Once she has calmed down, gently tell her that you understand how annoying younger brothers can be, but shouting insults isn’t the best way to solve problems.

Hindsight is 20/20, as they say, but for future reference - I think the main priority here once the accident happened should have been moving the shirt out of harm's way and immediately treating the stain so it didn't set. Once she saw the top wasn't ruined, she'd have calmed down and it would be a good opening to remind her that it's best to stay calm and look for a practical solution and that while it's natural to be upset, it's not OK to verbally attack her brother. How exactly you handle that, and whether or not there's a punishment for your daughter would depend on whether you think the spill was a genuine accident, whether you feel your son should have been more careful (in which case, you also need to have a talk with him) and/or whether he has special needs (in which case the "freak" language may need addressed).

Also - Spent half my bloody life glueing gems to a crop top she INSISTED she had to have comes across a little bit unfair to your daughter. WAS this type of top required for the performance? Next time if it's not, and you don't have the time to make or ability to buy/borrow a special top when. plainer one will do, explain that up front and offer her options (could she learn to sew it herself, for example?) rather than caving in and resenting her.

not the point of the thread, put why can't an 11 year old stick her own sequins on?

This is a really good point. OP, did you say ANYTHING to your son? I wonder if your poor daughter’s reaction was down to the perceived injustice of him not being scolded for being careless, therefore ruining something that was really important to her? Just a thought.

Winging it or not this snacks of your daughter being pushed away for the sake of her siblings needs. At 11 as well, kids are under immense pressure at school, with their peers, finding this way in life. If she then comes home to the pressure of tippy toeing around others in the family then you've got a whole heap of future issues for your going girl. I feel so sorry for her

We are all winging it. Don't beat yourself up. It's fuckign hard!

Take care OP

Well ott dance comps are stressful for everyone and nerves are real.

She doesn't need a punishment. She needs time to cool down and apologised to her brother tomorrow, just the same as her brother needs to apologise for spilling juice on her new top

Punishments will breed resentment.

How did he knock the juice over?

Tbh my first reaction would have been to say something to the 8 yr old through gritted teeth about being more careful

YABU

Yep, this. Also, referring to him as a “little one” he’s 8, not 2!!

I have quite serious concerns about OP's whole attitude to parenting. When this incident occurred, her first reaction was to impose "punishment". Even after being pulled up about fairness and proportionality by mumsnetters, her second post was still about meting out some future "punishment". You needed to reconsider your approach as a parent OP, and not only to do with your obvious favouritism. What about understanding and supportiveness?

This, and on the back of ops She’s been quite snappy with him recently and I’ve probably let too much slide.

I'm assuming she is fully placing all the blame on an 11yo, and not meaning letting the 8yos behaviour continue unchecked which has been upsetting the 11yo?

Also, if you think up cruel, Draconian and completely over the top punishments for tiny matters, what on earth are you going to dream up when they actually behave badly?

With kindness OP, if you think the root of this is more to do with your relationship with your daughter, perhaps start there? Can you build in dedicated time to spend one on one with her each week?

Of course she should go.

Why are you so soft with your younger child but would do something so shattering to the older child?

I think you're being completely unreasonable.

She's 11, she has a stressful, probably long anticipated event happening. She doesn't have the emotional regulation of an adult.

It sounds like her brother ruining something really important to her. She shouldn't have called him names, but it would have been far better to let her calm down before they apologise to each other.

Put yourself in her shoes, she’s probably really nervous for the comp and now her costume has juice all over it…
she may have over reacted but she’s stressed. Sounds like she needs a cuddle more than a punishment.

I think that you are all having a difficult day, that your daughter was upset and lashed out. I do think you had a right to be upset but I do think you over reacted with the consequence, and if you do follow through, she might resent her brother , and their relationship could be damaged. She's been looking forward to it for months,no wonder she's sulking upstairs and not talking to you,she's angry.
You've acknowledged that her brother isn't easy. I'd have a chat with her and explain to her why you were annoyed, that you understand she was upset ,that she can be mad at her brother but not mean to him.

By “not easy” I mean he can be full on. He’s got some stuff going on, we’re waiting on assessments, and he does get a lot of my time/energy which I think she resents. She’s been quite snappy with him recently and I’ve probably let too much slide.

@Blondra This explains it really. From her perspective it will appear that your son is the 'Golden' Child, getting all the attention and of course she will resent that. She's 11. Your reaction is definitely way over the Top. It is very hard for you to have a potentially SEN child, but I hope you can somehow make some time for your daughter, when she gets one to one attention from you, without her brother, or you are going to have an even bigger problem in a very few years when she becomes a teenager.

A brilliant post! Although I wonder if a male with a sister with similar behaviour of the ops golden son would have a parent be so harsh, judgemental and frankly poor towards them?