To cancel DD’s dance comp after what she said to her little brother?

Seriously, as well, you don't need an apology off her!

This. Goodness everyone needs to calm down..to be fair her reaction was ott and then you did the same. You need to model the calm behaviour you want to see. Of course you don't cancel the dance competition.

OP you sound like a lovely caring mum, I hope you get it sorted and tomorrow goes well

And yes did he actually apologise ffs!

The way you speak about each of them is extremely telling. I wouldn’t call an 8yr old ‘little one.’ She is also only 11. You make all these excuses for him but don’t give her any grace for being upset he ruined her top. Why was he next to it with juice?!

I’ll speak to her properly, make sure she gets how hurtful that was and that she needs to apologise properly to both of us.

And that right there is why - even if you let her go to the competition, she will still resent him. And you. HE spilt the drink, where's his proper apology to her? YOU overreacted, where's your proper apology to her?

Look at yourself for goodness sake, and stop babying the golden boy who can do no wrong. Little one indeed!

I'm an older sister of a brother who was constantly pandered to. It did him zero favours in the long run.

I have a 12 year old boy who can give me attitude and I’m not condoning what she said to her brother but she’s a child too, her brain isn’t fully developed and she’s emotional. The top means a lot to her. She should apologise for her words and her brother should apologise for ruining her top and that’s the end of it. I’ve seen your update that you are going to let her do the comp, I would too x

I agree children should be taught not to hurt the feelings of others. DD should be taught that's not okay. But your focus on punishing her and making her apologise misses the other side of it. Which is that she is an 11 year old child. You're getting upset at how she could say her brother ruins everything and how she could look at him like she hates him, but you don't seem to care as much about what's causing those feelings in her. And you should.

If you're going to make her apologise to you, then she deserves a conversation in return. One where you sit her down and tell her you know it's not fair her brother gets more of your time and energy. You know he gets away with more. You know it's hard for her. And you know all of that hurts her feelings. Don't belittle her the way you did in your OP, and don't make excuses, or imply she has to put up with it all because DS may have a behaviour disorder. Just tell her "I know this is hard on you, and I'm sorry".

If she feels consistently respected and listened to by you, her resentment at her brother will fade.

You know, she probably does hate him at times - and that’s perfectly understandable. He takes most of your time and energy. She probably feels all alone, and that he demands and gets what he wants while she has to do it herself. Threatening no dance performance reinforces that she is the non-preferred child. He is not ‘little one’. He is eight, she is only a max of 3 years older. She didn’t cause this overall situation, but she’s heavily impacted. Try and stand back and see it from her point of view.

I had a sibling who was quite sly and kept on doing shitty things to get another sibling into trouble. Occasionally, you’d catch sibling 1 smirking as no 2 got into trouble. And parents never worked it out. Could anything like be happening?

Poor dd! Before one of dd's A levels she freaked out and said she hoped I hadn't poisoned her with undercooked chicken or I'd ruin her life. Have never undercooked chicken - she was just stressed. Didn't even rise to it.

We all say stuff. DS was clumsy and spoilt something very important to dd. I kind of think it's your fault for letting there be a drink next to the importnt outfit when ds is very lively. Sort it like a grown up and get on with it.

Good luck to your dd in her competition.

Sounds like you have a favourite tbh

Can you not just de-escalate and soothe your kids, sort the mess then call them back when everyone has calmed down for a calm discussion about being careful and speaking to each other with respect? Because respect for each other (and each others belongings) is clearly what's lacking here.

Is this a case of "My son can do no wrong"? My son my son my son etc etc. Too many daft women still think like that. They always forget that they are themselves somebody's daughter.

Little brothers do ruin stuff. Mine both did all the fucking time, they were the bane of my life at that age and I’m sure I called them much worse than freaks. Obviously it’s not ideal but your punishment sounds OTT to me.

My DH was the golden child. If hearing from people formerly in your daughter's position doesn't help, I just want to really promise that you do the golden child no favours either.

I don’t think you need to punish her at all, it sounds like you totally favour your son. My mother was like this I was so glad to get away from her when I was 17

Its the wrong punishment for literally 1 reason - she will ALWAYS blame her brother for missing out on the competition, if he had not dropped the drink on the top she would not have been mean and then punished.

She needs to go to the competition and then have some other thing to make up to her brother. Seriously. You'll be doing him more damage than you can imagine if you follow through with this one.

yes I've sewn sequins on....easier to buy then ready stitched into a ribbon. I think what is being discussed here are these
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Hotfix-Applicator-Tool-Iron-Rhinestone/dp/B07CK16FMC/ref=asc_df_B07CK16FMC?mcid=43cb5bf5c9af34a5ba7ba72e498e545b&hvocijid=2373120757245983900-B07CK16FMC-&hvexpln=74&tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=696285193871&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=2373120757245983900&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=1007024&hvtargid=pla-2281435177378&gad_source=1&th=1

or these https://www.amazon.co.uk/Canvalite-Rhinestones-rhinestone-Tweezers-Rhinestone/dp/B0DFQ6MS11/ref=sxin_15_pa_sp_search_thematic_sspa?content-id=amzn1.sym.82fd8c43-dd4d-4c5d-9db0-df7088ba15db%3Aamzn1.sym.82fd8c43-dd4d-4c5d-9db0-df7088ba15db&crid=JAVY7QX6OP3F&cv_ct_cx=cold%2Bfix%2Brhinestones&keywords=cold%2Bfix%2Brhinestones&pd_rd_i=B0DFQ6MS11&pd_rd_r=6a507c39-f972-4d92-9249-2c81c134996c&pd_rd_w=h1ISz&pd_rd_wg=yAqRt&pf_rd_p=82fd8c43-dd4d-4c5d-9db0-df7088ba15db&pf_rd_r=DS0K9TEGR5K23M2CF6YP&qid=1748122903&sbo=RZvfv%2F%2FHxDF%2BO5021pAnSA%3D%3D&sprefix=cold%2Bfix%2Brhinestones%2Caps%2C84&sr=1-3-ad3222ed-9545-4dc8-8dd8-6b2cb5278509-spons&sp_csd=d2lkZ2V0TmFtZT1zcF9zZWFyY2hfdGhlbWF0aWM&th=1

I got the same impression. OP is very scornful of DD in this post, but DS can do no wrong. She speaks about DD in the most derisive tone, and then is surprised when DD mimics this in her attitude to her brother.

But your daughter must have been practising for weeks if not months for this competition? I probably would’ve called my younger brother a lot worse if he had of spilt juice all over my competition outfit which sounds like involved a lot of time and effort creating!
When she’s calm, an apology should be expected but I think you’re majorly overreacting and being cruel. For the record my 11 year old DD suffers anxiety and is going through puberty so her hormones and moods are wild at the moment. I have to take a deep breath a lot but try to discipline her accordingly as I know she’s struggling.

I think it’s probably a step too far on your part. I used to get irritated when my brother did similar things, you say stuff in the heat of the moment, and trust me I said way worse to my brother with a similar age gap to your dc. My brother got away with murder so I understand how your dd must be feeling.

Godmum56.
Thanks for that info. Years ago I was a crafter, but not of sequins, so not really familiar with them nowadays. When I was young, my Welsh, very crafty grandmother was putting sequins on a party dress for me (bless her) and she showed me how to sew them on. They had a tiny hole in the middle and you sewed from the hole to the edge of the sequin, then under the sequin and up the hole. Tedious job and if I’d had glue, I would have been delighted!

This sounds like such an unhappy household.
Half term is going to be fun!

I think they were gems not sequins. You either stick them on with gem glue which is a bit of a fiddley nightmare to use and has fumes, or use hot fix ones which need a hot, by which I mean fucking hot, fix tool or you buy a ready made design on a backing and iron it on but these pretty much have to be for a flat area. Either way its a one chance to get it right process and given the nearness of the comp, I can see why a Mum would do it and also why its stress inducing if its not something you do often. No I am not a Mum with a dance child, I use them in crafting.

@Blondra just saw your update about DS probably having SEN.

as the mother of an ADHD/ autistic child, I can be driven to distraction by their behaviour and I’m an adult. It takes all my self control not to lose it sometimes. I’d cut her some slack.

id also say you need to spend some time talking to your daughter - I know a few friends who were your DD in this scenario. They’ve grown up with a lot of resentment about their childhood and how everything revolved around a sibling with a disability. I’m guessing she was able to bond with you over the planning of this dance competition.

she needs more of your time and positive attention- not punishment.

I know how hard it is, OP and we all slip up. A heartfelt apology to your daughter will actually show her how to behave when she gets it wrong