To cancel DD’s dance comp after what she said to her little brother?

Please don’t punish her further
the threat of having her dance competition cancelled was enough
dont go over the top with the apology and make sure your son also sincerely apologises.
this would be a good time to sit down and recognise how hard it is for her to be an older sibling to a difficult younger one and acknowledge her frustrations.

you sound very irritated about her dance competition “banging on” and the fact you’ve had to make her a costume. Are you showing up for and supporting your daughter in the same way you support your son? Why aren’t you excited for her for the competition?

Yes the “little one” is definitely the favourite

It’s really cruel to cancel a competition she has been working hard on because of this.

I recommend reading the whole brain child and how to talk so kids will listen to improve communication all round.

Why would you cancel a competition for this, you sound cruel. What consequence did DS have for ruining her costume?

You couldn’t be bothered with her hobby could you? it seems too much effort for you so cancelling it altogether would suit you better. Let me guess, DS has hobbies that don’t require your input or much effort, gaming or football?

YABU.

You are going to have a lot of problems with your daughter if you carry on like this. As she gets older, she will likely spend less time with you and you will be left to look after your ‘little one’ by yourself. You are the one who needs to apologise and change your ways. You have ruined her excitement about the dance competition. I’m not surprised she is fed up of her brother. You have dealt with this really badly.

I really think you went to far here.
She's a child. Of course she was upset her top was ruined. Why are you saying 'bless' about your other child and yet you can't see your daughter couldn't help her reaction any more than your son could help knocking over the juice. In an ideal world he'd be more careful and she'd be calmer. But they are kids.
Both things should have been dealt with then and there "don't talk to your brother like that!" And then getting her to apologise to him when she'd calmed down.
You dont sound like you like your daughter much tbh.

yikes

No I’d cancel the competition and be consistent! If you don’t follow through then she’ll think that all she has to do is kick off enough and you’ll cave in!

YABU. The punishment is too severe for the crime.

How did the brother manage to spill the juice on the top? I mean, he didn’t spill it in her wardrobe or dance bag right? So clearly the top was left somewhere where he was able to do that. Guessing it was you still glueing gems onto it, who had left it out.

For those saying that the son is the favourite, the golden child etc - not necessarily, I don’t think. It’s just that OP knows the whole situation is her own fault and she doesn’t want to own up to that.

This .
OP you don’t seemed to have grasped the issues at all .

This . You should have told the brother off for being careless with his drink .

You were incredibly cruel to your daughter. I can't believe you said this to her the evening before a competition. My daughter competes a lot and it's so important that they are in the right frame of mind the night before a competition. You may well have ruined it for her now.

Your reaction towards her was out of order. Your attitude towards her dancing competition is also poor.

She is clearly sick and tired of her brother ruining her things and at 8 years old, he should know better, regardless of awaiting a diagnosis.

Your post really comes across like you have disdain for your daughter but the sun shines out of golden boy's backside.

What you did was unforgivable and I cannot believe you are still talking about punishing her!! Why don't you punish your son who split juice on her competition outfit?

If you don't sort out your attitude towards your daughter, you'll lose her.

You’re going to have a very hard life if you think siblings are always nice to each other.

I think your daughter needs an apology from you not a punishment , she’s lost it because her brother has potentially ruined her outfit , at 11 that is quite normal behaviour . You instantly jump to a punishment for her but nothing for the brother who caused the issue . Some siblings don’t get on , punishing them won’t change that , you just have to hope that at some point in the future things change for the better .

My daughter is only 3 and is dancing already, I wouldn’t personally ever use her dancing as a punishment not ever. I want her to succeed and enjoy it at every moment and not have it threatened to take it away from in any circumstance. It’s not like you’ve stopped her from going on a certain day out or took her phone for a day. This is totally different and I agree with your partner

I don't think she needs a punishment. He sounds as if he is quite spoiled and the golden child.

My mother's late partner did things that she would tell us about ... Pause ... 'bless him ...'

Usually some thoughtless or otherwise upsetting thing, yet she was besotted.

Your 'bless him' really put me in mind of that; I think it has odd connotations for me.

And yes I also first thought you were talking about a toddler. 'Little one' suggests you've infantilised him and will be excusing him everything.

She's on the verge of adolescence. And you also failed to realise she was both excited and very nervous about the comp (they're the same thing really), plus the disappointment over the spoilt top, your favouritism, and your own behaviour example means a tsunami of hard to deal with emotion. You have lot of catching up to do, realising you have two children who need you.

You don't need to 'punish' her. I think she has been through enough today, already!
Calling her little brother a freak isn't okay, but she snapped in the moment, as most humans do.
As you say, you've been caught up with your 8 year old recently and she's bearing the brunt of this.
All it really needs is a hug and a 'please do NOT speak to your little brother like that', then actually SHE needs your attention and support for her all important (to her) dance competition.
You're not being fair to her.

Just adding - why are you looking to punish her? She's rightly upset. She didn't express it in the best way but her emotions are valid. You are not going to help them improve their relationship by handing out punishments. Sounds like both need a little more empathy with the other.

You are over reacting. Of course she's upset if she has a big competition coming up and the outfit that she is so invested in is ruined. She's a young teenager. Her hormones are probably all over the shop. Her emotions are probably running high with nerves and excitement about the competition. She's had a moment and expressed her anger. Has her brother said sorry for the accident? What's he doing with orange juice near a top that clearly has importance to her, and that you have clearly spent a lot of time on.

She probably feels like she's just winging it most days too. How about a bit of compassion.

He did ruin her top,.however accidentally.

A quite word about inappropriate name calling would have been enough.

If you are allowed to lose your temper and snap that the competition is cancelled then why can't she lose her temper when her top is ruined.

You need to be the adult in the room

This!

Plus given your update, I hope you’re also making her brother apologise for spilling juice on her top. It’s not all on her!

Eldest (11, Yr 7) has a dance comp she’s been banging on about for weeks

So you dismiss the single most important thing currently in her life as something she's been 'banging on about'

Spent half my bloody life glueing gems to a crop top

You resent giving her help and support to make the one thing that matters for it.

Little one ... was already in tears, bless him,

Meanwhile your language about your son is all sweetness and light

I was fuming and told her she’s not going to the comp now. Cue full meltdown, crying, saying I’ve ruined her life etc. Now she’s sulking

And where exactly do you think she got her over dramatic explosive reactions from? They do learn from example.

I’m sick of her attitude and the way she treats her brother. He’s not easy, no

What does that actually mean, 'he's not easy?' Does he make a habit of ruining her things and getting mummy on his side?

AIBU to follow through and not let her go? Yes

Or have I made it worse now by cancelling it when she’s been looking forward to it for months? Yes

Time for everyone to apologise and calm down and do something nice together.