To cancel DD’s dance comp after what she said to her little brother?

She needs to apologise to her brother. End of. If she does and she means it then she can go. If she doesn't then no follow through with the punishment.

I think we all know what it was like when puberty and the glut of hormones start to kick in. I was pretty harsh during that phase of my life tbh....

Bloody hell OP!! Could you be any more dismissive?? Re-read your words:

I probably went too far
just been one of those days
how nasty she was
the way she looked at him and said it, like she hated him
“not easy”
he can be full on
I think she resents
I’ve probably let too much slide
would probably just make her feel worse and not actually teach her anything
make sure she gets how hurtful that was
she needs to apologise properly to both of us
Will find another punishment

YOU SIMPLY DON'T GET IT!! You're causing your DD harm. Wake up!

I wouldn't cancel, she sounds very very stressed and obviously wants to do well, her reaction is really quite normal

Your language even describing the dance competition is so demeaning to her. Poor girl.

@Blondra I realise how stressed you were in the moment. But you’re right to accept that telling your DD she couldn’t compete in her sport was way OTT.

Sadly, even if you now apologise and say she can go, I expect she won’t be in the best shape to compete. I expect she won’t have had a good sleep if she went to bed in tears having been told she won’t be going to something she’s looked forward to, worked towards and is very important to her. She must have found your actions very cruel.

As parents we all wing it every day. But it’s important to have empathy and try to calm sibling squabbles rather than appear to take sides. From your DD’s perspective, she’s been working towards something important to her, which her family should be proud of. Her brother’s carelessness then ruined her outfit. Then you compounded what’d happened by saying she couldn’t go. Instead of recognising your DS’s carelessness, and the upset that caused your DD, you’ve focused on her reaction. And threatened to remove something you should be proud of her for.

Tell your DD the truth this morning. You should have understood how upset she was. You know how much the competition means to her. You’re very proud of her, really want her to go, enjoy it and do her best. You should never have said she couldn’t go. However, she shouldn’t have called her brother names or reacted with such spite. When people cause us problems, we have to learn to take a deep breath and take ourselves off to cool down, rather than lash out and say nasty things. That’s what she should have done. And that’s what you should have done. So, it’s something you can work on together.

As for your DS, he needs to recognise you don’t have drinks near important items, as there’s always a chance of accidents and damage. He should apologise to his sister for having the drink near her top and be rooting for her today.

I would not punish her at all tbh. She was venting under what was probably a hugely emotional time for her. Poor kid. They all need a hug here not an irate mother.

Well done for seeing you over reacted!

A thought - how involved is your partner with your children? Is it mostly left to you?

Take time to check in on yourself. Are you ok? Are you getting the support you need?

This American article on the 'glass child' is worth a read. Be careful you aren't going down that route:

health.clevelandclinic.org/glass-child

Your update is interesting because you acknowledge you over reacted. This is exactly the same as what your DD has done. Looks like a good starting point for a chat…

You speak about your poor DD as if she and her dance competition are a mere annoyance. The poor little prince who spilt his juice and ruined her costume certainly sounds like the golden child.

@Blondra I know I probably went too far…
Maybe your daughter realises that too? Her reaction & your reaction are honestly screaming to me - the apple never falls far from the tree.
Clearly she’s stressed & excited about the comp. Her reaction was exactly that - as was yours. Does she need to do better? Absolutely. But is cancelling her dance comp because she got mad when her brother ruined her top the answer? Nope.
I’d ask her to reflect, I’d be vulnerable and tell her you reacted badly too. I’d apologise, I’d tell her you’re not cancelling dance comp but you do expect her to make it up to her brother by doing something kind and fun with him to show everyone that she didn’t mean it.

Glad you’ve changed your mind! I think she’s had enough punishment knowing you got this close to cancelling - just move on, tell her it was a mean thing to say but let’s forget about it now and just have a good day today! Let her enjoy what she’s worked hard for.

It's stressful, mostly for daughter, and she and you have put so much effort in.
You can not have her punished for expressing anger at juice being spilt all over her costume. The words she used were not nice but she is young.
Learn for next time.
Food and drink stays in kitchen.
Set aside a part of the house for the costume, where little siblings can not spoil older kid's delicate costumes.
Get real. Have Dad take little siblings for set swathes of time while you and DD complete the costume making.
You need to protect your DD's preparation space if you are going to encourage her in dance.
There will be equally special activities for the young brother which you should be able to dedicate time and space for in future.
Learn to respect each other's special efforts, talents,
competitions etc so you can support children successful in their skills.
Ask little brother to say sorry and his sister to accept the apology.
Move on, de-escalate and become better at parenting young artists if you let them learn performance activities.
There will be Artist's Temperament (intense) in your home from time to time.

Please don’t punish her. If you punish her for things like this, it will cause resentment and won’t help the relationship between the two siblings. It could deepen the animosity.
Help them to develop a relationship over the years ahead, foster more patience and understanding and more importantly, more fun times.

Yes.
And the daughter does not need punishment. She needs an apology for your overreaction. Which was FAR worse than her reaction to her brother. And you're the adult.

Looks like the relationship is already broken given ops outcome is somehow she will still punish the daughter and make her apologise to the brother and HER!

Honestly don't understand how some parents actually seem to go by 'well I'm going to treat you completely differently, quite shitly in fact, but hey, as long as your siblings need are prioritised that's all that matters ok!?'

Very best of luck to your daughter for today! Give her a big hug and tell her that the most important thing is that she has fun.

^^THIS 100%

He has SEN and unless you parent children on the spectrum, you may not know how much extra support they need. It's got nothing to do with being a golden child.
Sadly its not uncommon the other child/children in the family dont often get the attention thye need. It's heartbreaking and I thin many parents dont realise this- or cant do anything about it.

But then it's a vicious circle, because that child does genuinely need more support and attention.
If the mum here does not realise her daughter is 11 not 31 and she needs to find a way to protect her son but not at the cost of the daughter, the relationships between them will break.

You and your son need to apologise to your daughter. It sounds like she was stressed and her brother ruining her top was the last straw, especially if she is given far less attention than her brother who annoys her. He’s not a toddler or a ‘little one’ so he needs to be held accountable for his actions. Don’t punish your daughter.

Here is well you seem to put all blame on her. Will you get your son to apologise to his sister for ruining her top? Where is his accountability in all this? You need to be impartial if you want 2 well adjusted children, otherwise you will feel the effects of favouritisms. And from your posts it sounds like you do favour your youngest

Rididculos answer. That is a child who got excited over something she loves. Saying she is frightening her brother, there is only a 3 years difference between them. He should undestand to respect other people posessions especially if they are super important for them.

OP you don't sound very supportive of your daughter sorry to tell you but you use very negative language towards her and her reaction and very positive towards your son. It makes me wonder if she is not reacting to the way she is treated like her feelings matter less then those of her brother's. She worked hard for something she loves and got excited about, and don't take this away from her. Don't be the kind of parent who cuts her nose to spite her face. Have some perspective and put yourself in her shoes. If someone would shit on something I worked hard on, I would be using much stronger words than your daughter, but I probably would regret it later. There is a time and a place, this is not it. Choose another, maybe after the event when the spirits calmed down. Meanwhile, put your son down and explain to him how important was the event for his sister and put your daughter down and explain to her accidents happen and she shouldn't use words that she might regret using, teach her the meaning of words and how can they hurt someone.

Your poor dd, her outfit was ruined, and he is always ‘full on’ and you are constantly minimising his behaviour op. No doubt she is feeling frustrated, anyone would be upset.

The word triggered you because of your concerns for him re assessments/ diagnosis but it’s a pretty standard word to use at her age. It just hit a nerve because you are so worried for him, you have definitely overreacted.

Taking away the competition is cruel, and will further divide your children. You need to be balancing your time better op. You said yourself he is taking up so much time and energy, it’s going to come across as favouritism.

But still faces a punishment and need to apologise to her brother (which I think is right/fair) and her mother. With no suggestion that either her brother or her mother will apologise to her.

The harsh replies are deserved.

Harsh replies here OP acknowledges that she overreacted and daughter will go to competition.

Bloody hell OP, your poor DD!!. You've hinted at ongoing behavioural difficulties with your DS, but there’s been no evident recognition of the cumulative impact this may have had on your DD, like there's an implicit expectation that she should behave impeccably simply because she isn’t seen as having issues herself. That can leave her feeling unseen, emotionally overlooked, and dismissed.

She’s in the early stages of adolescence alongside the pressures of the dance world, both of which carry their own demands. Her response over the OJ, which you think warrants severe punishment, is completely proportionate when considered in the context of her developmental stage, her likely emotional load over time, and the immediate situation. Your response however, is neglectful of her emotional needs, harsh and cruel.

You might want to look into the concept of the “glass child”, those who grow up alongside a sibling with higher needs and whose own experiences often go unacknowledged. Your DD needs a space where she can process what it's been like living in that dynamic. And she needs to be related to as a child in her own right, not just the one who copes. If that doesn’t shift, the risk is that she will disengage, emotionally and relationally.

And it sounds like you might need professional support also.