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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To put my foot down when he tries to drop our plans tonight because he's had a better offer?

214 replies

Northwinds · 24/05/2025 17:14

Things haven't been great with our relationship for a while so we are doing a 'Relationship Reset'. We did the first session a few weeks ago, and had planned to do the second session last night. But he decided to drink last night, and he himself was strict first time saying we can't do this when one of us has been drinking. So we postponed it until tonight.

Now this afternoon he drops on me that he's going out tonight. I said to him we were doing this relationship talk tonight? I said no I would prefer you to stick to our plans and not just drop them when you get a better offer.
He said we can do it any other night, doesn't have to be tonight, we actually didn't confirm it (which is not true, not sure how we should confirm plans, should I email him and get him to confirm in writing?!) He said this party he's been invited to is only tonight and we can do our talk any time.

I said it really is hurtful when you drop our plans as soon as you get a better invite. I feel you are de-prioritising me and our relationship. He denied it and said I was being rigid.

I'm actually feeling quite upset that I feel sick that he won't agree to stick to his plans and prioritise me. Am I being too rigid? I was looking forward to tonight to reconnect and progress things with him, so I'm feeling sad.

OP posts:
Northwinds · 24/05/2025 18:00

Paellama · 24/05/2025 17:50

Just from reading your posts I can't imagine a 'reset' evening (is it just talking through your complaints??) with you being more appealing than a party.

Well it's not complaints, we've gone through about that stuff (without blaming) already, the rest of it is about reconnecting and making shared plans, so it's not going to be negative!

Sure, party is more 'exciting' but it's the principle of dropping plans when something better comes along and taking the other for granted "she will always be there" which is what I'm upset about.
He always gets his way when it comes to hijm going anywhere (we have kids so majority of time we can't do evening stuff together) so I'm not being that rigid, it's just one time too many now.

OP posts:
thestudio · 24/05/2025 17:57

I think most people are missing that they live together and have kids.

pikkumyy77 · 24/05/2025 17:54

TheSandgroper · 24/05/2025 17:15

If he was interested in your relationship, he would be interested in your relationship. He is interested in other things.

Now you know.

I agree with this. A relationship talk is a fact finding mission. You might find out he is really serious about you, or you might find out he isn’t. You have just got your answer without having to waste an evening listen to him lie to you.

He has just acted out for you the rest of your life —he will always blow you off for any reason and no reason. if you don’t listen to information he is providing you are doomed to repeat this cycle.

TheRealMrsFeltz · 24/05/2025 17:51

I’d get my glad rags on and before he can leave for the party cruise past him and say if your reset conversation isn’t happening tonight you’re off out.
Then go and enjoy yourself 🖕

Paellama · 24/05/2025 17:50

Just from reading your posts I can't imagine a 'reset' evening (is it just talking through your complaints??) with you being more appealing than a party.

ForZanyAquaViewer · 24/05/2025 17:49

Figcherry · 24/05/2025 17:49

Tell him you’ll go to the party and he can mind the kids.
Be interesting to see how that goes.

It really would.

Figcherry · 24/05/2025 17:49

Tell him you’ll go to the party and he can mind the kids.
Be interesting to see how that goes.

DreamTheMoors · 24/05/2025 17:48

Hey has prioritised your relationship.

Your relationship comes in last behind drinking and parties and you.

You need to prioritise the dude accordingly.

CalicoPusscat · 24/05/2025 17:48

It sounds like it's too much hard work - you've tried. So you'll be left to take care of the children again by yourself?

Northwinds · 24/05/2025 17:48

TimeForTeaAndG · 24/05/2025 17:38

What is a relationship reset? Don't you just chat about things as and when they arise rather than needing to do a full overhaul?

Who raised the idea of doing this? Who organised it? Who said yeah ok whatever, if you want?

Anyway, he's prioritising drinking and partying over you. A party that you're not invited to? Did he ask you to join him?

We have kids so one of us has to stay at home. There's been stuff brewing for a while now and so we do need to talk about stuff in the round and address things overall. I suggested it but he's agreed. He just feels like we can do this 'whenever' and technically we can, but it's the principle of him just doing what he wants when he wants again which is a big issue in our relationship.

OP posts:
DeSoleil · 24/05/2025 17:47

You’re flogging a dead horse. The relationship is over if it’s got to the stage where you have to have some kind of new fangled ‘reset!

That’s modern day gobbledygook usually brought up by the female in the relationship and the bloke thinks it’s a load of cobblers but agrees to it for a bit of peace and quit from the nagging.

Who wants to stay in and have a relationship ‘reset’ which sounds as much fun as having as having an ingrown toenail removed, when he could be out enjoying his life.

Crunchymum · 24/05/2025 17:45

Blimey.

Surely he knew some time in advance about this party (thus when he postponed yesterday, he should have known he was postponing for tonight too)

Surely the party invite didn't arrive this morning.

Were you not invited to the party?

It doesn't look good at all on his part.

Doggymummar · 24/05/2025 17:44

Skinthin · 24/05/2025 17:25

What is a “relationship reset”? To be fair I think most men (and women?) would prefer to go to a party than have an anxsty / fraught heart to heart about a relationship that wasn’t in the best place. If I were you I’d take a step back . It doesn’t sound like this relationship is going well and beating it with a stick isn’t going to help. He’s prioritising having a good time with friends. You should as well and pick it up again if and when it feels like something you both really want to prioritise.

Edited

I've no idea

Northwinds · 24/05/2025 17:43

GettingFestiveNow · 24/05/2025 17:35

He said this party he's been invited to is only tonight and we can do our talk any time.

Do you have kids? I can't think of another reason why you'd bother hanging around for him.

Yes we do have kids.

OP posts:
WhereIsMyJumper · 24/05/2025 17:42

I have never heard of a “relationship reset” and it doesn’t sound like a great way to spend an eve. If you even need that in the first place, then this isn’t for you. Especially if you’re the only one fighting for it

Northwinds · 24/05/2025 17:42

Azandme · 24/05/2025 17:26

So he's actually deprioritised you and your relationship twice in two days. Once for drink, and once for a party?

I'd tell him he got flexibility last night - then I'd tell the selfish prick I was done.

Never stay where you are not valued. Twice in two days? You are definitely not valued by him.

true, he did get flexibility last night. It's the principle I am bothered about, not the actual party, yes we could do it another night but no it's the fact he feels I'll always be there to pick up when he can be arsed to.

OP posts:
ConstitutionHill · 24/05/2025 17:41

Skinthin · 24/05/2025 17:25

What is a “relationship reset”? To be fair I think most men (and women?) would prefer to go to a party than have an anxsty / fraught heart to heart about a relationship that wasn’t in the best place. If I were you I’d take a step back . It doesn’t sound like this relationship is going well and beating it with a stick isn’t going to help. He’s prioritising having a good time with friends. You should as well and pick it up again if and when it feels like something you both really want to prioritise.

Edited

Good advice.

MemorableTrenchcoat · 24/05/2025 17:41

A multi-session relationship reset? No wonder he’s off to the pub instead!

TimeForTeaAndG · 24/05/2025 17:38

What is a relationship reset? Don't you just chat about things as and when they arise rather than needing to do a full overhaul?

Who raised the idea of doing this? Who organised it? Who said yeah ok whatever, if you want?

Anyway, he's prioritising drinking and partying over you. A party that you're not invited to? Did he ask you to join him?

Thelaundryfairyhasbeenassassinated · 24/05/2025 17:37

Been there done that. Accept it is over. Work on resetting your relationship with yourself.
Your decide your worth and what other people can do to you.

VaddaABeetch · 24/05/2025 17:36

A man I was with once said ‘I’m not ignoring you, I’m prioritising you’.

That told me all I needed to know.

GettingFestiveNow · 24/05/2025 17:35

He said this party he's been invited to is only tonight and we can do our talk any time.

Do you have kids? I can't think of another reason why you'd bother hanging around for him.

FutureCatMum · 24/05/2025 17:35

There’s only one of you trying to save the relationship, he’s already checked out. Save your energy and end it now. He knows the stakes and he’s told you clearly where his priorities are. Sorry but I don’t think this is salvageable.

S0j0urn4r · 24/05/2025 17:33

It shouldn't be this hard. Time to let go.

ArtTheClown · 24/05/2025 17:31

Give it up, it shouldn't be hard work like this. Not that it's hard work for him though is it?