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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To put my foot down when he tries to drop our plans tonight because he's had a better offer?

214 replies

Northwinds · 24/05/2025 17:14

Things haven't been great with our relationship for a while so we are doing a 'Relationship Reset'. We did the first session a few weeks ago, and had planned to do the second session last night. But he decided to drink last night, and he himself was strict first time saying we can't do this when one of us has been drinking. So we postponed it until tonight.

Now this afternoon he drops on me that he's going out tonight. I said to him we were doing this relationship talk tonight? I said no I would prefer you to stick to our plans and not just drop them when you get a better offer.
He said we can do it any other night, doesn't have to be tonight, we actually didn't confirm it (which is not true, not sure how we should confirm plans, should I email him and get him to confirm in writing?!) He said this party he's been invited to is only tonight and we can do our talk any time.

I said it really is hurtful when you drop our plans as soon as you get a better invite. I feel you are de-prioritising me and our relationship. He denied it and said I was being rigid.

I'm actually feeling quite upset that I feel sick that he won't agree to stick to his plans and prioritise me. Am I being too rigid? I was looking forward to tonight to reconnect and progress things with him, so I'm feeling sad.

OP posts:
vintageskills · 24/05/2025 18:35

Northwinds · 24/05/2025 18:32

It won't be all angsty, and it's not once a week every week. We did the first part a few weeks ago and doing the 'reconnecting' and agreeing shared goals/plans now. So it's like a one-off set of talks ( I would imagine one more really) then that sets agreed plans to move forward.

Well, he is actively showing you that you neither have shared goals nor plans! He has already moved forward, without you.

Northwinds · 24/05/2025 18:34

AcrossthePond55 · 24/05/2025 18:25

@Northwinds

<reaches in pocket, pulls out the usual 'nuggets of wisdom'>

"When someone shows you who they are, believe them"

"You might possibly sponge the spots off a leopard, but he remains a leopard just the same"

"Keep doing what you do, you'll keep getting what you get"

So, what are you going to do now?

yes... i think what you say is insightful. 😔

OP posts:
AndOnAndOn1000 · 24/05/2025 18:34

You resent him for going out tonight and he would resent you if you made him stay in.

Some people just aren't compatible.

You sound sad and completely done-in 💐

vintageskills · 24/05/2025 18:33

Get a babysitter and go to the party with him. Why sit at home and make plans, just do it. Or something else

It sounds batshit and incredibly boring, and is obviously driving him away from you even more.

Northwinds · 24/05/2025 18:32

LucyMonth · 24/05/2025 18:09

When you said “relationship reset” I thought you meant going on a fun date night once a week or something. Having an angsty state of the union talk once a week sounds bloody miserable. I’d be trying to get out of it too. Do you really need to dredge over your relationship issues on a schedule once a week? Can you not just decided you want to be together and plan some stuff to reconnect and fun again?

It won't be all angsty, and it's not once a week every week. We did the first part a few weeks ago and doing the 'reconnecting' and agreeing shared goals/plans now. So it's like a one-off set of talks ( I would imagine one more really) then that sets agreed plans to move forward.

OP posts:
JudgeBread · 24/05/2025 18:31

For relationship resets to work both partners have to be really in it and committed to fixing things.

He's not. He's so not that he's only managed to do one session and now thinks "righto, that'll do, back to normal" and is expecting you to just put up with his absolutely pathetic effort.

Maybe don't put up with it.

Picoloangel · 24/05/2025 18:29

You need to press eject and not reset.

Tinytigertail · 24/05/2025 18:27

I honestly don't think that there is a relationship here to 'reset' you are sadly not his priority. I think it's time for you to move on 💐

outerspacepotato · 24/05/2025 18:26

He doesn't care about this "Relationship Reset". He couldn't make it any clearer that he's checked out of your relationship. I mean, he's acting like he's single.

Time to make it so.

Do you want to do every bit of everything to hold onto a man who doesn't care?

Shufflebumnessie · 24/05/2025 18:25

This very clearly shows his priorities, and it's definitely not you & your relationship. My personal opinion is that if your relationship needs a 'reset' then it's likely not the right relationship for either of you (especially if one of you is far more invested in actually trying to 'reset' than the other).
From what you've said, your relationship has run its course. Leave with dignity rather than wasting your time & energy trying to persuade your partner to fix it when it sounds like he's already check out.

AcrossthePond55 · 24/05/2025 18:25

@Northwinds

<reaches in pocket, pulls out the usual 'nuggets of wisdom'>

"When someone shows you who they are, believe them"

"You might possibly sponge the spots off a leopard, but he remains a leopard just the same"

"Keep doing what you do, you'll keep getting what you get"

So, what are you going to do now?

FlamboyantlyIncognito · 24/05/2025 18:22

It doesn't feel good does it - gut instinct says to me that there's a fundamental flaw in the relationship (right bloke, wrong time perhaps?). For me it sounds like you both want different things right now. However hard it seems, it might be best to call it a day for the moment. Perhaps it's the wake up call the fella needs.

pikkumyy77 · 24/05/2025 18:19

DaringlyDizzy · 24/05/2025 18:12

Youre getting a lot of flack for this and I disagree! When me and DH were on the rocks and we both decided to carry on we had WEEKLY resets for a year! It saved us!

This is perfectly correct. Unfortunately for OP he isn’t committed to spending time with her at all—especially not time dedicated to something she wants.

Roselilly36 · 24/05/2025 18:16

Tells you all you need to know sadly OP.

Pipsquiggle · 24/05/2025 18:16

If your relationship was in a good place and it's a one off party, I think him going out is fine......... But your marriage is rocky

What this shows you is he is prioritising this party over your relationship which is poor. His levels of emotional intelligence are abysmal

Springtime43 · 24/05/2025 18:14

TheSandgroper · 24/05/2025 17:15

If he was interested in your relationship, he would be interested in your relationship. He is interested in other things.

Now you know.

This

DaringlyDizzy · 24/05/2025 18:12

Northwinds · 24/05/2025 18:00

Well it's not complaints, we've gone through about that stuff (without blaming) already, the rest of it is about reconnecting and making shared plans, so it's not going to be negative!

Sure, party is more 'exciting' but it's the principle of dropping plans when something better comes along and taking the other for granted "she will always be there" which is what I'm upset about.
He always gets his way when it comes to hijm going anywhere (we have kids so majority of time we can't do evening stuff together) so I'm not being that rigid, it's just one time too many now.

Youre getting a lot of flack for this and I disagree! When me and DH were on the rocks and we both decided to carry on we had WEEKLY resets for a year! It saved us!

Koazy · 24/05/2025 18:12

I have no idea what a ‘relationship reset’ is but it’s over surely? It’s supposed to be fun and supportive. Not hard work and misery.

Viviennemary · 24/05/2025 18:11

Lovelynames123 · 24/05/2025 17:31

He's just not that into you...if he was it wouldn't cross his mind to ditch you for a party. Dump him, don't let him dictate your relationship because he's obviously not that invested in it. Sorry, throw this one back, you can do better!

I disagree. A party would be more fun than an angsty in depth relationship discussion. I agree with taking a step back.

thepariscrimefiles · 24/05/2025 18:09

Northwinds · 24/05/2025 18:00

Well it's not complaints, we've gone through about that stuff (without blaming) already, the rest of it is about reconnecting and making shared plans, so it's not going to be negative!

Sure, party is more 'exciting' but it's the principle of dropping plans when something better comes along and taking the other for granted "she will always be there" which is what I'm upset about.
He always gets his way when it comes to hijm going anywhere (we have kids so majority of time we can't do evening stuff together) so I'm not being that rigid, it's just one time too many now.

Does he pull his weight with the kids? Do you get evenings out with your friends while he looks after them?

If your relationship is in trouble and the 'reset' is supposed to fix things, it sounds as though he couldn't care less so I would make plans accordingly.

LucyMonth · 24/05/2025 18:09

When you said “relationship reset” I thought you meant going on a fun date night once a week or something. Having an angsty state of the union talk once a week sounds bloody miserable. I’d be trying to get out of it too. Do you really need to dredge over your relationship issues on a schedule once a week? Can you not just decided you want to be together and plan some stuff to reconnect and fun again?

BunnyRuddington · 24/05/2025 18:07

I’m so sorry that he thinks so little of you. I would be tempted to say that you’ve got a baby sitter and you’re coming to the party with him.

Are you willing to stay around long term with a man who prioritises partying over you?

SkiAndTravelTheWorldWithMyDog · 24/05/2025 18:06

Sorry but I would go to the pub too

mathanxiety · 24/05/2025 18:04

He's telling you loud and clear that the relationship isn't a priority for him.

Time to wrap your head around the fact that he's checked out and it's over.

WisePearlPoet · 24/05/2025 18:04

This is definitely a case of actions speak louder than words. He's clearly decided he prefers the action (party) to the words (chat). Surely it a relationship needs a reset it isn't working, life is too short for this