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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To put my foot down when he tries to drop our plans tonight because he's had a better offer?

214 replies

Northwinds · 24/05/2025 17:14

Things haven't been great with our relationship for a while so we are doing a 'Relationship Reset'. We did the first session a few weeks ago, and had planned to do the second session last night. But he decided to drink last night, and he himself was strict first time saying we can't do this when one of us has been drinking. So we postponed it until tonight.

Now this afternoon he drops on me that he's going out tonight. I said to him we were doing this relationship talk tonight? I said no I would prefer you to stick to our plans and not just drop them when you get a better offer.
He said we can do it any other night, doesn't have to be tonight, we actually didn't confirm it (which is not true, not sure how we should confirm plans, should I email him and get him to confirm in writing?!) He said this party he's been invited to is only tonight and we can do our talk any time.

I said it really is hurtful when you drop our plans as soon as you get a better invite. I feel you are de-prioritising me and our relationship. He denied it and said I was being rigid.

I'm actually feeling quite upset that I feel sick that he won't agree to stick to his plans and prioritise me. Am I being too rigid? I was looking forward to tonight to reconnect and progress things with him, so I'm feeling sad.

OP posts:
Mrsttcno1 · 24/05/2025 19:50

I’m voting YABU purely because I think if you’re having to try and force him to cancel plans for a “relationship reset” evening to work on things then honestly- things are already broken.

Fixing a relationship takes two people who actively want to- he doesn’t, he is showing you with his actions where you sit on his priority list. It’s up to you whether you accept that but don’t beg for the bare minimum that someone who actually loves you would give freely.

Ragruggers · 24/05/2025 19:49

Why do you want to be with him? Are you happy with this relationship do you actually think life with him will improve because to an outsider you are flogging a dead horse.Nothing is going to change believe me you may want it to but he has no interest in doing so.Do you own or rent work or have savings? Look after yourself and your children .You can do this.

YourSignalFadedIntoAnotherWorld · 24/05/2025 19:49

WhereIsMyJumper · 24/05/2025 17:42

I have never heard of a “relationship reset” and it doesn’t sound like a great way to spend an eve. If you even need that in the first place, then this isn’t for you. Especially if you’re the only one fighting for it

This. By the time you are using terms like 'relationship reset' and 'deprioritising', the ship has sailed and is well over the horizon too. You are allowed to make decisions too you know. Be done.

Original poster
Northwinds · 24/05/2025 19:47

CarpetKnees · 24/05/2025 19:28

See, I think you are focusing on the wrong thing here.

You said this 'reset meeting' was last night, but seem to accept that it could just not happen because "he started drinking".

Then, just now you have said "Thing is he can't control his drinking, so if he does go out, on, say, a Friday night, if I leave him to it, he will sleep in til noon and then be a bit of a slob/hungover all day, sleeping on the sofa at times and just generally not being available much to parent or spend quality time with the kids"

I - like him - would accept an invitation to a party if the only plans we had were 'talking to each other' . He isn't wrong that you can do that any night.

Nor do I get the 'only one of you can go out' thinking. That is what babysitters are for, so two halves of a couple can go out at the same time. (and, before it gets said, no, we didn't have family to do it, we paid people)

I would not , however, be with a person who can't control his drinking.

I really think you are fixating on completely the wrong thing.

Also, we don't have regular babysitters, we have no family nearby. We do get to go out during the day sometimes when kids are at school

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 24/05/2025 19:46

Northwinds · 24/05/2025 19:44

It's just a pub regular who has invited him to birthday drinks. At the usual pub they go to every week.
I've never been to this pub as he goes on his own for his 'me' time and so I don't know this acquaintance of his.

Show quote history

And when is your ‘you’ time? Does he stay home while you go out or do you just stay at home?

Cherrysoup · 24/05/2025 19:45

So you do the majority of the parenting while he wastes the weekend being hungover and stays in bed? Do you think he’s going to change/become a better parent? I don’t see him changing, you’re doing all the heavy lifting in this relationship while he decides a party is more important than your marriage?

Original poster
Northwinds · 24/05/2025 19:44

Ilikeadrink14 · 24/05/2025 19:41

What’s the reason you clearly haven’t been invited?

Show quote history

It's just a pub regular who has invited him to birthday drinks. At the usual pub they go to every week.
I've never been to this pub as he goes on his own for his 'me' time and so I don't know this acquaintance of his.

OP posts:
Brightanddrywithsunnyspells · 24/05/2025 19:43

Maybe you can try talking in normal human language instead of 'relationship reset', and 'he had flexibility last night'. (wtf?)
You say it's not going to be negative but it really sounds like it is.
No wonder he's telling himself to : 'not try to extinguish the fire, but instead exit the building using the stairs not the elevator'.

Ilikeadrink14 · 24/05/2025 19:41

GettingFestiveNow · 24/05/2025 17:35

He said this party he's been invited to is only tonight and we can do our talk any time.

Do you have kids? I can't think of another reason why you'd bother hanging around for him.

What’s the reason you clearly haven’t been invited?

Original poster
Northwinds · 24/05/2025 19:40

CarpetKnees · 24/05/2025 19:28

See, I think you are focusing on the wrong thing here.

You said this 'reset meeting' was last night, but seem to accept that it could just not happen because "he started drinking".

Then, just now you have said "Thing is he can't control his drinking, so if he does go out, on, say, a Friday night, if I leave him to it, he will sleep in til noon and then be a bit of a slob/hungover all day, sleeping on the sofa at times and just generally not being available much to parent or spend quality time with the kids"

I - like him - would accept an invitation to a party if the only plans we had were 'talking to each other' . He isn't wrong that you can do that any night.

Nor do I get the 'only one of you can go out' thinking. That is what babysitters are for, so two halves of a couple can go out at the same time. (and, before it gets said, no, we didn't have family to do it, we paid people)

I would not , however, be with a person who can't control his drinking.

I really think you are fixating on completely the wrong thing.

Thanks for your post.

Yes, we agreed we shouldn't do it last night because these things are best done when you are sober.

That's true, we can do it another night, but it's the principle of him just dropping our plan tonight cos he got an invite to something else (btw i found out he only literally got the invite this afternoon, and it's from someone who drinks at the same pub as him, someone who is friendly with, but not a friend).

Yes, I'm like you, I don't want to be with someone who can't control his drinking either. It only started being a problem AFTER we had a kid. He's going to therapy about it.

Yes, the drinking is an issue. Though this post was whether I was being unreasonable in saying no I want you to stick to our plans and it hurts when you drop them for something new.

Thanks for taking the time to reply.

OP posts:
Original poster
Northwinds · 24/05/2025 19:33

DaringlyDizzy · 24/05/2025 18:12

Youre getting a lot of flack for this and I disagree! When me and DH were on the rocks and we both decided to carry on we had WEEKLY resets for a year! It saved us!

Show quote history

I'm glad it worked for you. Tbh there are comments saying I can't imagine anything worse than having to have these serious talks etc, which to be fair, compare that with being out at a party, sure, BUT they aren't awful, in fact the first session we had which was about talking about past hurts but trying to empathise with the other person, and not laying any blame - was really cathartic and it wasn't unpleasant at all, it aired things that weren't spoken at the time and provided both of us with a lot more clarity and understanding.

The second part is supposed to be reconnecting and talking about shared goals, so it might be serious but should also be progressive.

OP posts:
CarpetKnees · 24/05/2025 19:28

See, I think you are focusing on the wrong thing here.

You said this 'reset meeting' was last night, but seem to accept that it could just not happen because "he started drinking".

Then, just now you have said "Thing is he can't control his drinking, so if he does go out, on, say, a Friday night, if I leave him to it, he will sleep in til noon and then be a bit of a slob/hungover all day, sleeping on the sofa at times and just generally not being available much to parent or spend quality time with the kids"

I - like him - would accept an invitation to a party if the only plans we had were 'talking to each other' . He isn't wrong that you can do that any night.

Nor do I get the 'only one of you can go out' thinking. That is what babysitters are for, so two halves of a couple can go out at the same time. (and, before it gets said, no, we didn't have family to do it, we paid people)

I would not , however, be with a person who can't control his drinking.

I really think you are fixating on completely the wrong thing.

IggyAce · 24/05/2025 19:23

I’m sorry op but imo you are flogging a dead horse, he’s not interested in trying to save the marriage and he certainly isn’t interested in parenting.
Cut your losses and build a better life for you and your children.

WartFace · 24/05/2025 19:20

Northwinds · 24/05/2025 19:15

Shared young children. If I never said a thing then he would go out at least once a weekend, and during the week too.

But I've tried to set some boundaries and said he should try and not go out every weekend. Thing is he can't control his drinking, so if he does go out, on, say, a Friday night, if I leave him to it, he will sleep in til noon and then be a bit of a slob/hungover all day, sleeping on the sofa at times and just generally not being available much to parent or spend quality time with the kids.

So he now doesn't always go out at the weekend, probably every other weekend. He'll go out during the week though.

Last night he was drinking but at home.

Show quote history

‘He can’t control his drinking.’ That’s huge, OP, and I’m so sorry.

DoYouReally · 24/05/2025 19:18

You are trying to change a man.

Yes, he probably needs to change but you can't change him, he needs to want to change himself.

He doesn't want to change at all.

You can want, hope, wish, dream, cajole etc but it won't happen. He is who he is and he isn't changing it because it's working for him.

You are attempting mission impossible.

Original poster
Northwinds · 24/05/2025 19:15

TheCurious0range · 24/05/2025 18:43

So you live together and have shared children but he was out drinking last night and at a party tonight? Is that a normal weekend for him?

Shared young children. If I never said a thing then he would go out at least once a weekend, and during the week too.

But I've tried to set some boundaries and said he should try and not go out every weekend. Thing is he can't control his drinking, so if he does go out, on, say, a Friday night, if I leave him to it, he will sleep in til noon and then be a bit of a slob/hungover all day, sleeping on the sofa at times and just generally not being available much to parent or spend quality time with the kids.

So he now doesn't always go out at the weekend, probably every other weekend. He'll go out during the week though.

Last night he was drinking but at home.

OP posts:
Original poster
Northwinds · 24/05/2025 19:09

minipie · 24/05/2025 18:39

This party… when was it arranged?

If it’s been in the diary for weeks and he just forgot that when he postponed after drinking, then I could understand he doesn’t want to ditch a long arranged invite.

If he just got invited today… not ok. He’d already made plans with you.

I've just found out he got the invite this afternoon only. And it's from someone who is a regular at the pub he goes to. So not even a good friend. And he sees them every week anyway.

OP posts:
Shatteredallthetimelately · 24/05/2025 19:07

How can he have the cheek to deny something that's he's blatantly doing.

He just feels like we can do this 'whenever'.....
Whenever?
Whenever he can be bothered to spare you a bit of his time, until then you can either choose to wait until such time arises, or make a decision for yourself and what's best for your own future.

RockOrAHardplace · 24/05/2025 18:58

OP, there are few potential things going on here and none is good for you and the kids:

  1. He is happy with what he is doing already and doesn't want a reset and thinks you will give in. He will fit in a chat when it suits him, he is his priority and whilst you pick up the slack he will continue putting him first.
  2. He really doesn't care and doesn't have the balls to say so, it will be an inconvenience if you split up but he feels that is your loss and wants you to be the one to make the split so he can play "poor me" - "look what she did to our family"
  3. Or, he knows he is pushing it and knows he is taking advantage and in tends to stretch this out as long as you allow him because he doesn't believe you have the balls to issue ultimatums.
  4. He genuinely has no idea what the issue is, thinks its all in your head and you need to sort yourself out, because he is fine as he is!
  5. He is dodging the subject as he is scared of losing you.

Only you know which it is but as y9u have already tried to reasonably talk to him, at the very least you need to mirror his behaviour to get your point across or kick him out. Maybe then he will get the message that you are serious.

Jk987 · 24/05/2025 18:51

What does the re-set involve? If it’s a forced, scheduled conversation it sounds very uninviting compared to a night out with friends…

MarySueSaidBoo · 24/05/2025 18:46

Sounds like you're the housekeeper/nanny and he's the "free spirit" that does whatever he likes. And sadly, you've likely enabled him to do so. You try to break the cycle but he's resisting it.

Is he honestly worth you fighting for?

DancingDucks · 24/05/2025 18:44

I think you need to move on OP, he's not the one.

TheCurious0range · 24/05/2025 18:43

So you live together and have shared children but he was out drinking last night and at a party tonight? Is that a normal weekend for him?

Nikki75 · 24/05/2025 18:42

He has already shown you who he is and where you are in his life... take this as your answer to the future.

minipie · 24/05/2025 18:39

This party… when was it arranged?

If it’s been in the diary for weeks and he just forgot that when he postponed after drinking, then I could understand he doesn’t want to ditch a long arranged invite.

If he just got invited today… not ok. He’d already made plans with you.