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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To put my foot down when he tries to drop our plans tonight because he's had a better offer?

214 replies

Northwinds · 24/05/2025 17:14

Things haven't been great with our relationship for a while so we are doing a 'Relationship Reset'. We did the first session a few weeks ago, and had planned to do the second session last night. But he decided to drink last night, and he himself was strict first time saying we can't do this when one of us has been drinking. So we postponed it until tonight.

Now this afternoon he drops on me that he's going out tonight. I said to him we were doing this relationship talk tonight? I said no I would prefer you to stick to our plans and not just drop them when you get a better offer.
He said we can do it any other night, doesn't have to be tonight, we actually didn't confirm it (which is not true, not sure how we should confirm plans, should I email him and get him to confirm in writing?!) He said this party he's been invited to is only tonight and we can do our talk any time.

I said it really is hurtful when you drop our plans as soon as you get a better invite. I feel you are de-prioritising me and our relationship. He denied it and said I was being rigid.

I'm actually feeling quite upset that I feel sick that he won't agree to stick to his plans and prioritise me. Am I being too rigid? I was looking forward to tonight to reconnect and progress things with him, so I'm feeling sad.

OP posts:
nomas · 24/05/2025 20:40

Northwinds · 24/05/2025 19:44

It's just a pub regular who has invited him to birthday drinks. At the usual pub they go to every week.
I've never been to this pub as he goes on his own for his 'me' time and so I don't know this acquaintance of his.

So it’s not even a party, it’s just drinks at a pub?

YANBU. He doesn’t give a shit.

CarpetKnees · 24/05/2025 20:36

Northwinds · 24/05/2025 19:47

Also, we don't have regular babysitters, we have no family nearby. We do get to go out during the day sometimes when kids are at school

Which is exactly why I pointed out in my post that - due to the fact we had no family who could babysit, we put in the effort to find people we could pay to babysit. I knew that would be someone's response so I pre-empted it.

thenightsky · 24/05/2025 20:32

LucyMonth · 24/05/2025 18:09

When you said “relationship reset” I thought you meant going on a fun date night once a week or something. Having an angsty state of the union talk once a week sounds bloody miserable. I’d be trying to get out of it too. Do you really need to dredge over your relationship issues on a schedule once a week? Can you not just decided you want to be together and plan some stuff to reconnect and fun again?

I agree.

Mrsttcno1 · 24/05/2025 20:19

Northwinds · 24/05/2025 20:08

Thank you, I see your point.
Also, thing is he never had these 'plans' to cancel. This party invite was out of the blue and he only got a text about it this afternoon, after we had already agreed our plans.

But again, does that not show you how he truly feels? Why would you beg him to stick to your plans? If you have to force him to attend your “relationship reset” then that entirely defeats the point anyway, yes? You can’t force someone to love you and you can’t force someone to make an effort, as I say, he’s showing you with his actions where you & your relationship come on his priority list- believe him.

dottiedodah · 24/05/2025 20:15

I think if you have a "breakdown relationship reset.it means that you are struggling. I once read that a relationship can only go 2 ways if you marry or live together or not.i think this is quite true

Blobbitymacblob · 24/05/2025 20:10

OP, I notice you haven’t used the word alcoholic.

These are the behaviours of alcoholics and addicts. The drink comes before you and the family, but also their fun, excitement, dopamine chasing comes before you too.

Have you any support irl for this? Al-anon or a group like that?

RealEagle · 24/05/2025 20:09

Zucker · 24/05/2025 20:08

Is the relationship reset a set program/manual you're following? Is it a book laying out the steps to follow?

im wondering this aswell

DorothyStorm · 24/05/2025 20:08

Northwinds · 24/05/2025 20:02

Relationship reset is an actual thing and he has agreed to it. Not sure I did say he had flexibility last night in those words,but I think another poster said this.

It's not supposed to be negative, but fair enough you think it sounds it :)

He hasnt agreed to it though.

ignore what he says and look at what he does.

did he do the session? No.

Zucker · 24/05/2025 20:08

Is the relationship reset a set program/manual you're following? Is it a book laying out the steps to follow?

Northwinds · 24/05/2025 20:08

Mrsttcno1 · 24/05/2025 19:50

I’m voting YABU purely because I think if you’re having to try and force him to cancel plans for a “relationship reset” evening to work on things then honestly- things are already broken.

Fixing a relationship takes two people who actively want to- he doesn’t, he is showing you with his actions where you sit on his priority list. It’s up to you whether you accept that but don’t beg for the bare minimum that someone who actually loves you would give freely.

Thank you, I see your point.
Also, thing is he never had these 'plans' to cancel. This party invite was out of the blue and he only got a text about it this afternoon, after we had already agreed our plans.

OP posts:
Blackcountrychik83 · 24/05/2025 20:07

I don’t think this is about tonight at all . I think you have bigger problems than just sitting down talking about your rship . He is prioritising his drinking and I suspect he’s hiding a big problem that you’re ignoring .

Youre doing all this with your kids by yourself anyway so what does he bring to the table ? He gets his bread buttered at home .

Time to shape up or ship out .

Pedallleur · 24/05/2025 20:03

ArtTheClown · 24/05/2025 17:31

Give it up, it shouldn't be hard work like this. Not that it's hard work for him though is it?

Absolutely this. He just hasn't told you it's over.

Northwinds · 24/05/2025 20:02

Brightanddrywithsunnyspells · 24/05/2025 19:43

Maybe you can try talking in normal human language instead of 'relationship reset', and 'he had flexibility last night'. (wtf?)
You say it's not going to be negative but it really sounds like it is.
No wonder he's telling himself to : 'not try to extinguish the fire, but instead exit the building using the stairs not the elevator'.

Relationship reset is an actual thing and he has agreed to it. Not sure I did say he had flexibility last night in those words,but I think another poster said this.

It's not supposed to be negative, but fair enough you think it sounds it :)

OP posts:
DorothyStorm · 24/05/2025 20:01

The course is a waste of time. He doesnt want to change his actions and he doesn't respect you.

you are wasting your time.

Bumblebeestiltskin · 24/05/2025 20:01

Is it you who's putting all the work into repairing the relationship? Because it honestly sounds like he's not that bothered.

Olika · 24/05/2025 20:01

Does he actually parent your kids at all? Is he present and involved in your and the kids’ lives? If not then I think this relationship is done. By the sound of it he lives like a single man so he should be a single man.

ZiggaZigAh · 24/05/2025 19:59

I’d be pissed off @Northwinds .
The point of these conversations is not only to try and rebuild, it’s also to show commitment to that rebuilding. It’s both what is spoken about and the action of showing commitment by prioritising and dedicating time to it. Of course a party is more fun, but it sounds like his choice of behaviour here is demonstrating exactly the kind of behaviours that are causing issues in your relationship; doing what he wants when he wants, and drinking to excess. He’s literally highlighting not only the issue, but that he couldn’t really give two fucks about it. And if he lies around hungover tomorrow it’ll be adding insult to injury.

You can’t make him choose you and the relationship, but you can make choices about what you’re prepared to put up with. From where I’m sitting it looks like you’re the one doing all the running and the person who is actually the problem is doing nothing about it.

Screamingabdabz · 24/05/2025 19:57

Oh God op, just give up. You’re flogging a dead horse. There is no relationship. He’d rather be in the pub with some random than his wife and kids. Poor kids… having that as your male role model.

Frostynoman · 24/05/2025 19:56

Is he an alcoholic OP? Does his behaviour engender a safe, stable and loving environment for your children?

MercuryRisingBeware · 24/05/2025 19:56

You could put your foot down.

But how would you feel, knowing he was only there by force, not by choice? Physically he might be present, but I can guarantee, emotionally he has checked out. Sorry.

thedancingclown · 24/05/2025 19:54

that tells you all you need to know really.

however evenings don’t sound like a great time to have them. Mid morning over a coffee would be better.

MercuryRisingBeware · 24/05/2025 19:53

TheSandgroper · 24/05/2025 17:15

If he was interested in your relationship, he would be interested in your relationship. He is interested in other things.

Now you know.

Yes! This.

NavyFawn · 24/05/2025 19:53

When I was in my early twenties, I was in a long relationship with a guy who always did this. One particular day we were trying to plan a day out and I was trying to think of where to go (he had no ideas). I wanted to go into our local city, he vehemently refused to go there on a Saturday. I got showered and when I was done he said his mates had just texted him inviting him out for a day drinking session, he'd accepted, and they were going to the local city 🙄 unsurprisingly, the relationship didn't last and I have no idea why I didn't end it on that day, as the message was loud and clear - I wasn't who he wanted to spend his time with. You owe it to yourself to end the relationship and find someone who thinks the best plans are those made with you - I did, and we've been together 10 years this year ❤️

godmum56 · 24/05/2025 19:52

oh dear....ducks in a row and plan the split time I think.

tripleginandtonic · 24/05/2025 19:52

I'd rather go out than talk relationships, can't you go along with him?