To put my foot down when he tries to drop our plans tonight because he's had a better offer?

You are getting a lot of flack on here, which I don’t understand. The relationship reset sounds like self guided couples counselling.

Those saying they would be happy with a last minute party invite taking priority/ being more fun would you feel the same if it was a more formal counselling session.

OP I agree with you- he is putting you last. Which he we’ll always do as he is an alcoholic

You can’t change him - only he can do that - but you can change you.

Sadly I agree with this

Agree. You accepted crumbs. I think you know this in your heart. If he was really serious about the reset, he'd engage with it. He's giving just enough to keep you hanging on.

The short answer is -
He only agreed to a relationship reset to shut you up, not because he wants it.

@Northwinds

Lovely, you may have read a lot of words today about alcoholics and their loved ones that may seem unkind, unsupportive, or argumentative. And we've given you a LOT to think about, some of it may be painful. But please understand that we have written from experience and with compassion and understanding.

You have tough decisions ahead of you. But they don't have to be made today. As long as you and your children are not in physical or emotional danger, take your time, seek out resources, get help, and consider wisely.

It’s slightly painful to see you piling all this effort and angst and structured thinking into a bog-standard beer-and-boobs bloke who isn’t remotely interested in the quality of “the relationship” and isn’t likely to be. Sows’ ears leap to mind, I’m afraid.

He has reset the relationship - he's kicked it into the long grass.

There's your answer. He's got better things to do than work on the relationship. I'd call it a day. Sorry op.

Honestly I think you’re flogging a dead horse. Relationship reset sounds a bit formal, a bit forced somehow. But he is clearly not interested in doing anything to save this relationship.

I've never been to this pub as he goes on his own for his 'me' time and so I don't know this acquaintance of his

When do you get to go out for your 'me' time?

@Blackcountrychik83

'My' alcoholic is my brother. He's in recovery now, thank God. But there was a time I just knew 'that call' would come. It was serious enough that at one point, when we were going to be gone RVing for about 3 months, I made 'preneed' plans for his direct cremation so my sons wouldn't have to do anything other than make one phone call.

Basically he’s shown you his true colours.

He’d rather go to a party ( without you) than discuss your relationship, as agreed yesterday.

Hardly a Rejationship Reset, more like a running away.

The point I'm making is that in a healthy marriage neither of you really need to set boundaries at all. Because it is about compromise, and compromise doesn't need boundaries. Boundaries are to keep someone OUT or to keep them IN. Compromises are 'free' and 'open' and work for both parties. But there are no possible compromises when you're dealing with an addict. Addiction is to destructive for compromise.

I'm not sure couple's counseling is such a good idea. As long as he's in denial about his alcoholism what would be the point? He'd be denying there's a problem and you'd be trying to 'set boundaries'. Sounds like a waste of time to me. Now, if you want to start seeing a counselor on your own that may not be a bad idea. Examine your own mindset to see if the way you're seeing things is healthy and constructive for you. And if not, what mindset would be healthy and constructive for you.

And you need to understand that (Al-Anon again!) "You didn't cause this, you can't control this, you can't cure this".

He’s obviously not being truthful with his therapist .

My partner died due to drink and drugs and let me tell you they will lie til they have no breath left . I found empty cans everywhere . He used to tell me he was at his therapy and really he was at his sisters getting money for drink .

Alcoholics will never prioritise you or anyone but themselves . They are addicts . They are selfish . It’s time for you to look after yourself and your kids coz he’s not going too .

So you leave.

Why are you putting yourself and your children through this?

He’s made it clear he doesn’t care about his relationship with you, or his relationship with his children; he’d rather get drunk and lie on the sofa half asleep than interact with them. He prioritises going out to drink with someone he barely knows over trying to resolve things with you and keep his family together.

You know the answer to this already. It won’t change. He’s had a year of therapy and he’s still drinking and still can’t be bothered with you or his children. Why would you stay in this relationship where you are treated with contempt?

Of course he's adamant. He's an addict. If he admitted it, he'd have to also face himself. No addict wants to do that because they'd then have to deal with, not only their addiction, but the destruction they leave in their wake.

His therapist says that, hey? And you've heard that from the horse's mouth have you? Because if this is what your H has told you, it's absolute bullshit. And if his therapist has said that then either your H is lying to him through his teeth about his drinking OR his therapist needs reporting.

Al-Anon isn't about living a life separate from 'your' alcoholic. It's about not allowing their alcoholism to rule you. Part of that can be finding your own interests and your own identity and doing that doesn't mean you don't also have a shared life. 'Spouse/parent/child of an alcoholic' isn't an identity anyone wants. But it's the identity the alcoholic wants us to have because it means we're putting them and their needs before our own selves. That's is the very definition of selfish.

I'd suggest you attend a few Al-Alon meetings. I think you'd get more understanding of their program 'in person'. And if by some chance you're afraid to go because of his possible 'reaction', well that doubly means that you should go.

@Northwinds

But I've tried to set some boundaries and said he should try and not go out every weekend.

You don't set boundaries for other people, they get to set their own whether we like it or not. It's only up to you to decide whether or not want to accept the boundaries they set for themselves. But actually, in a healthy relationship one partner considers the other before 'acting'. When that happens, boundaries per se don't really need to be set.

Thing is he can't control his drinking, so if he does go out, on, say, a Friday night, if I leave him to it, he will sleep in til noon and then be a bit of a slob/hungover all day, sleeping on the sofa at times and just generally not being available much to parent or spend quality time with the kids.

So, he's an alcoholic. An alcoholic isn't just the bum on Skid Row drinking cheap hooch from a brown paper bag. An alcoholic is someone who cannot control their drinking, period. Whether it's going on benders every night or a bender once in a blue moon, it's still the inability to stop once they've started. I suggest you contact your local chapter of Al-Anon. You may find it helpful and informative.

FWIW, I don't think these 'resets' will do any good. He is who he is and you are who you are. If you have to keep 'resetting' something, then chances are it's not that good in the first place. I mean, if I had a clock that kept losing or gaining time, I wouldn't keep 'resetting' it. I'd get a new clock! Not that I'm proposing you find a new husband, just to decide whether the one you have that you have to 'reset' is worth keeping.

Listen, my marriage (35+ years) hasn't been a complete bed of roses. DH and I have certainly had our 'moments', especially when our children were young. But we've never had to 'reset' our relationship. We've apologized for our actions, forgiven each other, picked up from where we left off, and continued down our road.

OP I’d suggest you fry Al-anon for some support. I agree with those saying that the drinking is a real problem here and I feel like you are so close and so used to it that you can’t see it. This will be doing real damage to your kids.

Reach out for support. You need to make some tough decisions. We are all here for you too

AI may make this sound workable but your dh is just a shit human being so he can’t rise to the challenge set by an artificial one. He doesn’t care about you or the reset. There is nothing you can do about that. He has the control—as addicts snd alcoholics akways do. The power to ignore you snd frustrate you and agree with you then refuse to keep the agreement.

Couldn't be arsed with all that. Throw him out. You aren't his priority.

Have you actually RTFT, or at least all of @Northwinds comments? I don't think you have because if you read them all there's no way you'd be kicking her. His behavior is the problem, not the words that she uses.

Don't reset, shut down.