To put my foot down when he tries to drop our plans tonight because he's had a better offer?

@MarkingBad both you links are regarding alcoholics that sought treatment

Absolutely completely irrelevant to the OP’s situation as neither she nor her dh have identified his addiction as the problem so the dh won’t work on it and OP can’t work on it. Your posts remind me of the famous economist’s quip. In response to some authority’s insistence that “in the long run” everything will work out, economically, I believe it was Galbraith who said “in the long run we are all dead.”

I raise this here because for a woman with young children the long run may be too long—is a latency period in child development and in OP’s life. Having a loving, functioning, husband and father now is of more yse than in five or ten years when he may or may not decide to put the work in.

I just want to make it clear that the advice charity is that, an advice charity but we see a lot of addicts so it's not people coming in for treatment advice necessarily although some do. It's also other life admin stuff people fall foul of.

No I'm not a dependancy free alcoholic, or have ever been an alcoholic

I am a long term volunteer where addicts and in particular alcoholics come for advice. Not all of those go for a treatment however at some point the NHS spots alcoholism in their patients which is why I used government stats and not those of private clinics

The idea that addicts relapse is nothing unexpected, recovery is hard, but stay clean for 2 years and addicts are more likely to remain dependancy free for life.

indeed.

IF they have sought help to recover

@MarkingBad i am going to guess you had a drink problem and successfully recovered. Good on you.

those stats are based on people who have actively sought help

now think of the majority… who have not and will not

I said the point of mentioning it in my earlier post to you. Another poster said something and I agreed with that poster.

The stats I find do not bear it out, these are just two.

https://fingertips.phe.org.uk/profile/local-alcohol-profiles/supporting-information/Treatment2

https://www.gov.uk/government/statistics/substance-misuse-treatment-for-adults-statistics-2022-to-2023/adult-substance-misuse-treatment-statistics-2022-to-2023-report

The idea that addicts relapse is nothing unexpected, recovery is hard, but stay clean for 2 years and addicts are more likely to remain dependancy free for life.

Not the OP or the DC should cope with someone elses addiction, if addiction it is. Only OP and he partner know or at least can take a reasonable guess.

Well OP had better find out—because its her life down the drain as this guy pickles himself to death in the pub rather than spend an evening with her.

What is the point of this repeated assertion that “no one knows” whether this man can bring his alcohol use under control? We don’t know if he will be hit by a bus either. Not to a certainty. But we don’t make decisions about life based on certainty (see eg, bus, hit by) we just try to do the best we can with the information we have.

All OP can do is evaluate the worth of his words based in past performance. She can guess, probabilistically, that he will continue to agree that some couple should spend time together, enjoy intimacy and life work together, but when the actual opportunity arises he will dub out to drink.

No but as posters, we use the information provided by the OP and if someone is an alcoholic… it is factually correct, albeit sadly, to say that likely not to recover

I think this is good advice. It’s certainly what I would do in similar circumstances.

Who knows, but that's kind of the point really. Who knows.

@Northwinds, it sounds like you need to go to Al-Anon more than you need to do an AI relationship reset.

They don’t know

but on the balance of probabilities, they’re correct

What hope do the kids in this “family” have of possibly knowing what a loving healthy marriage and family environment is, given their childhoods will have been in this shit show of a couple

You have absolutely no need to lecture me about alcoholism.

And yes it is part of the point, people keep mentioning he's an alcoholic and how he's never going to change. They don't know any of that.

Totally besides the point and pretty much false. Both heavy and “light” drinkers can meet criteria for alcohol abuse disorder whatever local terminology or culture says. The word “alcoholic “ really frightens and repels UK posters but its a technical term for someone who meets criteria (roughly: drinking more than you intend, drinking to incapacitate, drinking that interferes with normal life duties, drinking that cannot be controlled, drinking that takes over, drinking that has been flagged by others as problematic…etc…). The OP’s DH clearly meets criteria.

While mumsnet is generally unforgiving in re addictions, seeing addicts as weak and unlikely to manage or overcome their addiction, it is really far more accepting of alcohol abuse or dependency. In keeping with UK standards and cultural practices around male alcohol use and male social bonding mumsnet is usually very forgiving of (for example): binge drinking, blackout drunk drinking, drinking until the drinker vomits or is incapacitated for a day post event.

The place where mumsnet usually takes a hard line is in supporting women who are trying to work with a person in active addiction who does not/can not/will not participate in family life or in the relationship.

That’s this dude. An active addict is never going to be a reliable partner for a non addict. If both share the addiction or have complementary addictions the relationship can roll along pretty merrily (codependency is one way of describing it). But OP wants something else for herself and her children than being the afterthought in a drunkard’s life.

@Northwinds

Just seen that you have kids together. That complicates things but I still think you need to get rid of him. He would rather repeatedly prioritise random pub mates & booze over his partner & small children?? I mean, that alone would be enough for me. What exactly do you get out of having this selfish man-child in your life? He just sounds like another thing you have to deal with. Ugh. Would give me the ick.

@Northwinds

This! ⬆️ He doesn't give a shit. He sounds like a prick. Ditch him.

The sheer lack of understanding around addictions on MN is astounding. Heavy drinkers are not always alcoholics, and alcoholics can stop drinking for the rest of their lives. It depends on the addict, it's not a forgone conclusion.

OP I'm sorry you are in this situation it's obviously not ok to keep pushing back plans to work on you relationship. I can't offer any advice that hasn't already been said but I do hope you can get back on track and work things out.

OP, start making plans for how you will go it alone.
He is not committed to you or his children.
You deserve better than this.
Tell your family and friends the truth so you have support.
Drinking is his priority, not his family.

You can’t fix an alcoholic. If they’re going to change, they have to make 100% all the effort.

Please stop thinking a ‘reset’ can fix this. It won’t. He will relapse and prioritise the drink again. You need to focus on you and the children.

Contact al-anon and get some real life support from people who know how this goes. Your children deserve better and growing up with an alcoholic parent in the home is damaging them, even if you can’t see it. (Personal experience)

Split up. There's nothing to save.

I'd block without sending any message.
He's just not into you.

This.