To put my foot down when he tries to drop our plans tonight because he's had a better offer?

The first call for me would be to hire a babysitter and you both go out.
It's ridiculous that he abandons you without warning and knows that you will stay home.
You are living like land lady and lodger. Start behaving like his partner and accompany him to outings. Hire the baby sitter.

It will soon become obvious that you can't afford the babysitter twice per week so you'll need to talk about how often you'll both go out and how often it's fair to go out alone and dump the home life on the other.

Having children has given you both bad habits. Resume living like equals and people in a relationship again

I am not sure you’re getting anywhere with him, but one last try. You: when do you want o reschedule for? Him: x date. You: Is this scheduling us as a priority or scheduling us as something to do if nothing better comes up? IF the latter, im no longer interested. Him: huff puff you’re no fun. You: could you just answer the question? Are you willing to lock that in, and also not drink the night before?

and if he won’t that really tells you everything you need to know.

I have joined the al anon facebook groups, I'm not sure it's for me. They are about doing your own thing and living your own life, and whilst I do think having own interests and things helps take away the focus on the addict, to enable yourself to have less stress, it's not great having to almost have separate lives

I’d be inclined to think it’s because they know you’re flogging a dead horse unless the person really wants to stop drinking and you’re going to need a life of your own when the alcohol dependence gets too much to cope with.

Yes, he's very good at setting his boundaries, but I should have boundaries too, no? Generally I guess you could say that it's about that compromise Yes, you need boundaries. But this isn’t going to work if your boundaries are about putting restrictions on him. You cannot control him or limit him or even guide him to behave in a particular way. And it won’t work out between you if that’s what you’re having to do. He might go along with something but it’ll be because you’re making him, rather than because he really wants to. And the second you look away, he’ll be back doing what he wanted to do in the first place.

Your boundaries should only be about you and what you will and won’t tolerate. So it’s not acceptable to say ‘you need to stay at home more often’. But it’s absolutely acceptable to say ‘I do not want to be with someone who doesn’t prioritise his home life over spending time with randoms in the pub’. It’s not acceptable to say ‘you are not allowed to drink alcohol when you go out’ but it’s completely acceptable to say ‘I will not be in a relationship with a man who spends family time in bed with a hangover’. He’ll hear your boundary and he’ll either work with it and spend more time at home, or restrict his drinking, or he won’t and will carry on doing what he wants, which tells you how important you are to him. He has to want to work at it. If your family are not his priority, you can’t force it.

Reread your post as if it was someone asking for advice. Now give them good advice about this relationship, and take it. It’s not going to get any better!

Alcoholic or not, he has a drink problem.

You make out like this reset and counselling is made or break for your relationship but its not.

He knows you won't leave so it makes it easy for him to put drinking first.

This reset is supposedly so important to you both but he dumps it for not just one, but two drinking sessions.

How long are you prepared to pull double duty to paper over the cracks in your relationship and in your kids seeing hungover daddy every weekend. I'm guessing the don't see that because you pull double duty and take them out so the can't see dad is a mess. But they know he isn't showing up for them.

Seriously, how can you think you can save him when he just doesn't care to make changes?

A party is more important than saving your relationship so what is there to talk about?

You are living with an alcoholic. He might not realise it but you are. Until he choses to try and deal with the addiction, you and the kids are always going to come second behind the opportunity to have alcohol. You are into the relationship reset because you want the man you married back. He isn't there. If he is prioritising a night out before your talk/reset/whatever you want to call it, he isn't into it. You are wanting him to be there for you. He isn't. He can't be as addiction is a mental illness. You need to decide do you want to continue like this where he constantly disappoints you or end it and live your own life. You are already doing the bulk of the parenting so no difference there. It may be the rock bottom needed to make him get his head on the game. But you also need to accept that he may not put in the effort to save the relationship and this is why al anon workson the principle of having seperate interests - you are building a life you dont need to escape from. The choice is yours. Good luck from a stranger on the Internet x

YANBU to feel like this after his actions.
YABU to think that this is a relationship going somewhere.

Men don't want to 'talk it through'. Let him off that hook.

Op I’ve been in your shoes but it wasn’t drink it was drugs and I got all the promises it would stop, he would change blah blah blah. Then the minute someone brought out a bag he was off and it got worse over time to the point he done nothing in the house, with the kids or with me it was like having an extra child. While he’s out pack his bags and leave them at the door for him once he gets home if he really wanted your relationship to work he would put in the effort instead of changing the goal posts to suit his habits. You may not see it now but it is damaging your kids save them and yourself before he’s drinking from morning till night and your kids have trauma and therapy they need to deal with.
like a previous poster said when someone shows you who they are believe them because they won’t change or they will but only for a while till your off their back then the bad habits kick in again

Relationships shouldn’t be so much hard work, drama, anxiety etc. It’s better to be on your own, I think!

Honestly OP? I don’t think this is going to work out and you should make a plan to leave.

Im sorry.

It's going to be you arranging it isn't it?

Your DP is prioritising his drinking over you and his children. If what he says is true, his therapist is enabling this. The therapy sounds toxic and you and your children are collateral damage in this battle with alcohol.
How bad does it get when he’s been drinking? What is the effect on the children besides absent parenting? Do you see any real progress? What do you think deep down are the chances of working it out? Do you have a plan if the “reset” doesn’t work? Do you feel he respects you? Do you feel treated as an equal? What does your life look like in five years time? When do you get to do what you want? Who in your life is supporting and championing you?

If a man wants to he will It's that simple.

I am sorry but he is telling you how he feels and you aren’t listening…solely because you would like the other answer.

you need to say goodbye.

I don’t know how to vote on this because your only reasonable course of action is to admit he’s not invested in the relationship and to move on. No you shouldn’t accept this behaviour from him but I don’t see how “putting your foot down” is going to help any more than letting him get away with it as he’s clearly not interested in your opinions or feelings.

I don't know. I don't think I'd see an evening of talking as something to particularly relish, especially not when its likely to be talking about all the things you don't like. I'm not sure I'd see it as "plans" either. Is there no way of combining it with something actually enjoyable? I don't think just sitting at home moaning about all the things you dislike is going to be something that reignites love and passion, but that's just me.

Aside from that, what do you actually get out of the relationship and what is it that you're hoping to reset exactly? He doesn't sound like a prize!

You would be happier if you kicked him out. You would know then where you stood and wouldn’t need to be waiting for him to decide to show up as a responsible partner and father. Sorry, but there it is; he’s more keen on partying and being on his own than he is on your family unit and the two of you as a couple.

Oh bloomin heck not the “who knows” line again!

it is an anonymous thread. Who knows pretty much anything!

See this is where things get back to who knows, there are no facts here because some people give up off their own bat, some don't so slow down their drinking and others ramp it up.

I'm quite happy to say I agree to disagree because there is nothing factual about this really, the figures just aren't there.

So when posters were saying he’s an alcoholic and unlikely to change…. That is, again presuming on the balance of probabilities, he doesn’t pursue treatment

Yes, that right, they do.

I explained why on my answer to your other post