To put my foot down when he tries to drop our plans tonight because he's had a better offer?

Commitment: Ensure both partners are genuinely committed to making it work.
Relationship Reset Fallacy: Be aware that a "reset" is not an instant fix and requires consistent effort.

You've got it right here ^ in your AI primer of what a Relationship Reset involves. The only way it can work is for both partners to be genuinely committed, and he just isn't.

why are you not seeing what we're seeing, @Northwinds ?

please don't come back on here in a year's time, still with him, still not moving forward and still unhappy.

please use your intelligence (of which you have plenty and he has none) to move you forward to a positive situation without him.

Sounds like he's not that "in to you".Surely a party would be arranged in advance and he should have told you about it anyway. Why are you not invited?

YABU for pursuing this relationship.

Sorry to say, but it sounds like he's already checked out and gone. Actions speak louder than words, and he's telling you that he's no longer interested. He's doing these "relationship talks" to keep you on board for the moment, but no doubt he's making his own plans to go. You need to be doing the same. Secure your documents and your finances.

How clearly I can see your absolutely wasting your time with this one. Please also look up adult children of alcoholics and you will see the damage on children from growing up in a family where a parent is a drinker. You children will thrive better with you. He probably will step up the odd time when he sees you distancing yourself but he will revert to form.

I suggested @Northwinds to read it, as I think it will open her eyes.

I suggest you wind your neck in @Bidedtime and stop trying to get attention. Make your own thread.

I'm sorry I think the problem is you are being too flexible. he was not sensible postponing due to drink - he was wrong to drink in the first place knowing you had agreed to talk.
put your energy into finding someone who cherishes you.

And hopefully doesn’t correlate in any way to the content of the book

either way, any author that names their book “women who love too much” is not author I will respect the view of

You shouldn't need to reset your relationship; it's not an alarm. It either is or isn't working.

I agree, the title is shit

“Women who love too much”

what a grotesque title

I suggest strongly you read ‘women who love too much’ by Robin Norwood. It’s not so much on having partner’s with addictions, being emotionally unavailable etc, it focuses on you.
How the dynamics of our parents lead us to choose someone that is similar, it’s a very insightful book and invaluable.
I agree it’s more to do with his drinking, how he checked out of the relationship once the DC were born and is desperate for ME time. Drink enables him to escape, but the focus should be on you because you can only change yourself.
Is this what you really want for you and DC? A man who has to escape and shut down because he’s not capable of giving you, or being the husband you need. He’s not capable of being the father your DC deserve.
A man who is there physically but mentally he is looking to escape mentally and any excuse, he breaks promises to go to the pub.

The party was his priority not you. The relationship is over, turn off the life support and find someone that loves you and is emotionally available.

Its not really a party is it?

Its just another night at the same pub as he went to the night before.

Where he'll have too much to drink. Again.

If I had young children with this man I wouldn't be happy.

I would watch his actions op. If you are a priority he would show you. Let him go to his party but start putting yourself first.

@Northwinds It sounds like you need to start building a life away from him, invest in your friends, children, wider family and career.

Boundaries are about how you behave and react, not controlling someone else's behaviour. I think your only option with someone like this that frequently crosses your boundaries is to end the relationship. It seems like he has zero respect for you as an individual, you're just someone that facilitates his life.

Going to the pub every weekend/regularly is so alien to me. I've never known any man that does this. When I worked in a pub, it was just a handful of quite sad characters that were there so regularly.

You know what would reset the relationship? Kicking him out. That would give him some time to think about whether he wants to start making an effort. Show him you won’t just be walked over any more.

For me, it would be all about his attitude towards postponing the "reset" evening. If he was very apologetic, explaining to you that he does understand and appreciate how important the reset night is, and suggesting a firm date to postpone to - then I would be OK about changing the date. It does, however, sound like this is NOT what happened. To turn it back on to YOU and complain about you being too rigid is actually gaslighting you - and indicative of the poor state of your relationship. I'm very sorry, OP... it does sound very hurtful. My advice would be to seek professional relationship counselling together. Good luck x

Why does he get to go out two nights at the weekend? When do you ever get to go out? It sounds like you’re the default babysitter for his party plans and he sounds selfish.

OP this must be so difficult and disheartening.
I don’t think your relationship can make progress until he gets a handle on his drinking. I agree with previous posters that have said he is likely lying to his therapist.

You and your children deserve better than this. He is showing you who he is, very clearly. When you had the first reset conversation, did you discuss his drinking? It is something you both need to confront. Unfortunately you can’t make him confront it, but you can clearly communicate how his choices are damaging the relationship.

If his choice is to carry on drinking, then you do need to draw the boundary and either leave or he leaves.

Sounds like your husband doesn’t want to reset his relationship!!

Relationship reset is an actual thing and he has agreed to it

he has agreed to it to keep you quiet.

He isn't resetting anything, but he's telling you 'crack on doing the relationship reset whilst I'm planning my next drinking sesh'. He has absolutely no intention of changing his attitude to you or his relationship with drink.

It doesn't sound like you and your DP are in anyway on the same page about your relationship.

his priority is to socialise, drink and generally do everything possible to dodge having to face up to adult conversations.

i admire you for wanting to get things sorted, but you're doing it alone, your DPs mindset is to make as little effort as possible towards investing in you. he knows you're there today tomorrow and ongoing so he just shrugs and thinks I'd rather be at a party with a drink in my hand.

Honestly, he’s shown you over and over again where you and the kids stand. Why do you tolerate this? If he takes custody of the kids x days a week, YOU get me time and a life. If he doesn’t, move to where you do have friends and family.