She died and no one said thank you 🥲

i don’t think he’s that devestated to be honest she was an old lady and they don’t live in same country.. i doubt he’s. deep in grief so leave off the op. she’s feeling guilty

Well the original post certainly hadn't been edited when I replied to it

And obviously you hadn't read the full thread yourself as you would've known the Aunt had died before saying about sending a letter so a bit hypocritical

I think you misunderstood me, I care massively about the other person's feelings, often think about that constantly but can't get over the mental block. Have had depression and anxiety intermittently for several years but felt like this before that. I can be very avoidant in other scenarios which has caused issues. I'm working on it, all of it.

Anyway, I was just trying to give a different perspective to the OP, don't want to derail the thread.

OP, your intentions were good towards a lovely kind woman.

Your husband is just another selfish lazy man who even the bare minimum of a phonecall to say thanks, was an ordeal for him.

Hard for respect not to be chipped away when you see such consistent selfishness.

How about if people do the same to you? Do you feel hurt or not care? So if your mum died, and nobody said anything would you be ok with that?

I don't know enough about ADHD to comment on that, but you say it is not about other people's feelings. I think that might be the core of the issue - are you thinking about what you ought to do, or want to do, but lacking the necessary empathy for the other's person's situation or their feelings? You say you can't respond. Are you perhaps depressed?

It's not about their feelings or even my own. I fully know what I should do, usually I even want to do, I just often can't / don't. I know this sounds ridiculous but it's what happens. I do wonder if it is related to ADHD, I am not diagnosed and have always been a bit sniffy about it but I am coming to realise I have a lot of the issues ADHDers experience.

Women keep using this term nagging to refer to themselves.

Why is it not called nagging when men do the same?

I think I get this OP. My DH's dad remarried when DH was an adult, the only grandma on that side of the family our kids knew. She was lovely with our kids, but withdrew over covid due to health vulnerabilities and focused on her own immediate family, fair enough.

I was always the one who nagged our kids to ring her to keep in touch. One time I was away and asked my DH to ensure Dd2 (15 at the time) To rang her for a chat. Dh/Dd2 didn't do it and she died the next week.
I felt more guilty about the lack of contact, than DH did... Dd2 felt guilty for not ringing, lesson learnt. I hope

Neither has her father.

Leave it be. It'll have been the last thing on the aunts mind I'm sure. Why would you want to make him or your child feel worse?! This is a you problem, I'm with your hubby 100%

Your DD is 17 and her Daddy has to make the call for her?
17, not 7?
She is an adult FFS - capable of making a call since by herself since she was about12?
You may have insisted on your children doing this, but it appears your DD sees it as an onerous obligation that she has to either do or delegate - sadly not that you've taught her good ,manners.

Surprised you are still sending these rude, ungrateful nieces cash. I did the same with my nephews until they were 18, then stopped as never got acknowledgment. i was not too bothered, but I know it upset my DM never to get thanks from any of her grandchildren.

If she had a mobile my daughter would have messaged herself.

As if that was the only option available!

You seem determined to pin a 17yr olds lack of "thank you" on her dad rather than her!

*I have two nieces, ages 21 and 23. I used to get them birthday and Christmas gifts (toys etc) now I just send cash in a card.

They never, ever say thank you and I will now no longer be bothering. The cards are generally delivered via a relative so I know they get them. If I ever do say “did you get the card I sent?” They say “oh yeah thanks”.*

You’re quite right @sundaybloodysunday12 don't bother
if their lack of acknowledgment/thank you (understandably) irritates or offends you.

And yeah you’re right a WhatsApp thanks is very easy to do if they have your number.

I’m so sorry for your loss OP. I think you’re being given a hard time on here. It’s poor behaviour from your husband and from what you’ve said you were made to feel a nag if you asked him to call his aunt and told you were overstepping if you did it yourself. You were in a no-win situation.

IMHO I think you said what you did out of sheer frustration and grief. He should have called her! Not just for the ‘thank you’ but to keep in touch during her final weeks.

Emotions are running high. I hope you all find peace soon. And I hope your DH has learned the hard way how putting things off can come back and bite you.

For you OP

How is she making it about herself?

she’s annoyed because this man let his aunt down.

he’s now grieving because he loved her so much….yet she was elderly and terminally ill and he didn’t contact her at all in the past 8 weeks, and for who knows how long beforehand.

it’s a total lack of common courtesy.

the woman was dying and she still managed to send a gift. In 8 weeks this man couldn’t find the time to lift the phone to a) say thank you, b) enquire as to how she is and let her know they are thinking about her.

As to the posters saying the daughter, at 17, should have done it independently, I don’t disagree. However I do take the OP’s point about the language barrier being difficult on the phone. In that case, I think a hard written card in the aunts native language would have been an obvious, easy option, and I’m sure the aunt would have appreciated it.

I have two nieces, ages 21 and 23. I used to get them birthday and Christmas gifts (toys etc) now I just send cash in a card.

They never, ever say thank you and I will now no longer be bothering. The cards are generally delivered via a relative so I know they get them. If I ever do say “did you get the card I sent?” They say “oh yeah thanks”.

Their mum, and another very similar relative of mine both just tut and say “oh I used to hate having to write thank you letters when I was a kid, I’m not making them do that”

Ive never expected a thank you card. But a quick “thanks” over WhatsApp is apparently too much to ask?

Hhhm, not buying it, I think it’s lazy and really shitty.

Yeah I’m struggling with the idea of him not calling her as she was in her last months of life @Summervibes12 moreso than the absence of a thank you - when was the last time they spoke?

And does she have her own kids? Or any other nephews/nieces nearby? I hope she was surrounded by love and people who could bother to send a card or pick up the phone.

I just find it so depressing that you can be so kind and considerate to a family member or friend over a long period of time and then on your dying days they don’t bother with you.

I recently found out a friend I hadn’t spoke to for a few months had stage 4 cancer, I was going on a trip the next day but called her as soon as I got back.

He’s learned that lesson the hard way. He’ll be feeling guilty enough as it is.. no need to twist the knife

I’m with you, OP. It’s not just about this one time, it’s about nearly two decades of her sending birthday presents without fail, and about your husband not picking up the phone to say thank you without you having to nag him first. I see why people say ‘now was not the time to bring this up’ but you’ve brought it up a million times before without being listened to. All I can say is that you will all miss this aunt every time there’s a birthday and no present arrives anymore. And it’s not about the present, but about the void she will leave behind. I know this, as our family has only two old aunts left who send birthday cards. The others have passed. And I know it’s only a few more years, and the letter box will be empty on our birthdays. Then we (or at least I) will realise even more how special that actually was, someone taking the time and putting in the thought and the energy to send a card or a present. So I think I understand you and why you have kept bringing it up, even at the last moment. I’m really sorry for your loss.

What exactly do you find difficult in being considerate of other people's feelings? Is it that you are focused purely on yourself and your own feelings? Genuine question as I don't understand.

What a nasty post. If thanking the aunt was so important you could have got the child on the phone rather than wait around whinging about your husband in your head. Now you’re just trying to make him feel awful.

Let it go.
This is not the time to teach your husband a life lesson ( even if he needs it).
Teach your 17 year old to write a letter/ email/ land lines.
Grieve together rather than pull each other apart . Good luck. X

The kid is 17? 17? Lol I thought this was a small child we were talking about the 17 year old should be thanking herself not expecting daddy to do it, teach your child some independence for goodness sakes.

Your daughter should of thanked the aunt.