To think I must have a mental health problem/not be a nice person/something else wrong to feel like this about other people?

It’s a way for our brains to process when something happens. Primarily your brain is assuring you that this calamity is not happening to you.

It’s hard wired in to you as a survival instinct.

It’s the same as when you sometimes have thoughts of doing awful things to people. You would be horrified if you actually had to do those things but in that moment your brain is working through your sub-conscious thoughts.

It’s better to leave your brain to it.

Thank you.

it’s not a nice thing to admit to, so thank you for not shouting at me!

as I say, I don’t feel like that anymore.

I used to very much feel that I was “in the gutter”, looking up at all these people with perfect lives….so it felt very much like a levelling of the playing field when things went wrong for them. There was a real feeling of “otherness”, I just felt completely that I didn’t belong.

I did, however, collect waifs and strays. Anybody who had a harder life than me, I loved to befriend and help. Contrary to what other people on this post are saying though, about enjoying being needed, enjoying the drama etc, I genuinely just felt a lot of empathy for them and wanted to help them.

Once my own life improved and I found some self esteem and wasn’t so insecure, I realised these other people didn’t have perfect lives. I became much more understanding and compassionate and felt genuinely bad for them when bad things happened.

I’m doing fine in life - good job, nice house, lovely kids etc. But I do often wonder how my life would be if I hadn’t spent years plagued with insecurity and viewing everybody with suspicion and mistrust. I only found some confidence in my early 30s, around the the time I met my husband. If I had had that confidence from childhood, it would have made a huge difference

Yes. I agree, well done on recognising your issue too OP.

There are so many nasty people around (many on MN) and I’m sure they’re not worried about it…

What are you like as a person? If you try to be a nice person then you’re probably doing better than a lot of the population.

I’m also like you OP and, like a PP, I also enjoy drama, a crisis and an emergency. Recently, I considered applying for a job as a 999 call handler too - not to revel in other people’s problems, but because I really do care about people and because I’m very good in an emergency.

If you’re good at heart then just accept your foible. If you don’t feel you’re actually very nice, then maybe work on that.

@sundaybloodysunday12

That's a very honest post from you. I get it. And good you can recognise what you feel.

I have this too sometimes and it almost always comes up when I'm feeling insecure about something or I feel I don't have it. It's not a pleasant emotion but it's a very human one and good to acknowledge. Part of it is just liking a gossip. Both my mother and mother in law love a minor tale of woe about some random friend's child!

I only have it for "minor-ish" problems- nothing big like a bereavement. So I'm pretty sure I'm not a monster!

The more you say, the more it sounds like we are thinking of the same woman!

I have it too.

For me, it comes from a place of jealousy and insecurity.

I didn’t have a good childhood. I was quite neglected. So I was always very jealous of kids who were well loved and looked after. So I secretly liked it when something bad happened to them.

I stayed that way through my 20s and I probably was a bit unpleasant.

As I grew up and had my own career and family and became happier within myself I found myself having much more compassion for people.

Life previously felt like I was always on the outside looking in. I always felt very different.

Now I realise that everyone has problems, and that the life I have now, I am one of the lucky ones. So I no longer feel jealous and I feel a lot of compassion for people in situations where something goes wrong (or whatever).

My mum had a bad childhood. She then neglected me as a child, so my childhood was bad, but not as bad as hers.

Since her 20s though, my mum has had a good life and is very lucky with the lifestyle she has. HOWEVER, unlike she, she does not see this. She is a very jealous and bitter woman and she is very wary of people and absolutely takes pleasure when unfortunate things happen to them.

I don’t know why I managed to break out of that cycle but she didn’t.

I have young daughters now and they have lovely lives. However, when I see other very well cared for young children I still get a pang of jealousy, as I wasn’t well cared for when I was a little girl.

Other than that, I don’t have those feelings any more.

I reckon maybe youre overthinking it.
It sounds to me like you dont want your friend to be having a bad time, but you acknowledge that you enjoy helping people through a tough time. Theres something rewarding about it.

Maybe you should work in a caring profession

Yep my mother is almost gleeful when something bad happens to me, she tries to cover it, but I know. I think it is some sort of mentality where she needs to feel in a better position than other people

It can be part of having ADHD. We perform brilliantly in a crisis or emergency, hearing about one can bring the same sensation of alertness and ability to focus and achieve.

Hmm - is it definitely the "drama", or is it feeling wanted or even feeling like you can be useful in a crisis?

For me, I've experienced more than my fair share of bereavements (I'm under 40, have lost a parent and many close relatives), and my way of processing immediate grief is to be very practical, and help with things like arranging funerals, contacting everyone, sorting out home insurance and bills for empty houses, etc. It makes me feel useful and I guess in control.

I find it much harder to sit with other people's emotions, and to do that thing that stereotypically comes easier to women than men, of offering sympathy rather than advice. It's something I am working on, but my comfort zone will I think always be with the practical side.

Not sure if that resonates, just offering another perspective.

I think you’re just being honest. Let’s face it, humans have a massive appetite for enjoying drama….look how successful soap operas and action films are! Many people also enjoy watching fighting and horror films….all of which involve getting a thrill from someone else’s misfortune.

So many people like to be better than the next….just look at all the threads on here about how much people earn and so on!

I think you just want to be needed and possibly crave superiority over others? Do you like power? There’s nothing wrong with that you’ve just got to channel your energy in the right direction. Use it to further your career or do well in sport etc.

This is very honest and self-aware of you. I’d suggest you derive some of your identity and self-worth from being needed. It doesn’t sound like you wish bad things on your friends. But I think it would help you to try and understand this more, maybe with a therapist.

OP. It's not nice. I had a 'friend' once (I use the term loosely). I was going through a tricky time. She was supportive.

When I got myself back on track, she distanced herself from me and actually said... ' I don't like you happy, I don't feel the same about you now'

I had been a huge support to her but she could not cope with someone who felt better than she did. It was mean.

Dont be that person

I know someone like this. I’ve never been able to put my finger on it exactly, but she is almost gleeful and energetic when she hears bad news or someone is having a rough time.
She somehow places herself at the centre of it, even when it has nothing to do with her. It’s a deeply unpleasant trait ( I’ve been on the receiving end of it) and feels very fake.

You are not a bad person, just a human being with flaws and a lot of self awareness. Please don’t beat yourself up about this. Most of the people judging you here aren’t brave or honest enough to face their own flaws. I’d advise researching ‘shadow work’ if you want to explore this and reassure yourself. I admire your emotional honesty and maturity X

I'm very much like this. I hate it.

If it's just a fleeting feeling I wouldn't worry about it.

I'm not going to be as harsh as some people on here because it's a very human response, probably more common than some people will admit and probably not something you can consciously help... I've known several people like this.

But it's not great and its probably something you should get help with. Firstly because it's not great to go through life enjoying people's minor misfortunes and you feel worse about yourself ultimately.

Also because people who thrive on "helping" other people through drama, grief vultures or just low-level drama addicts eventually get sussed out by the people they are purporting to help. If you develop a pattern of doing this people will start to feel quite repelled and creeped out by it and stop trusting you. It's not a nice trait to be on the receiving end of and it also makes you suspect that people like this have a warped sense of getting pleasure.

But also wouldn't you just rather have friendships where you lift each other up, not thrive on mutual misfortune?

I think everyone feels good to be needed to some extent.

it does make you feel good to help someone.

But I would worry about your own fulfilment in life if the biggest buzz you get is from this.

What do you do in between the times your needed? How do you feel then? Especially how do you feel about yourself when you aren’t being someone’s crutch?

I do think therapy would help you unpick this.

It’s not necessarily an unpleasant trait. Not unless people are only part of your life if you can use their sorrow for your own enjoyment but you don’t say this.

Yes it is toxic and eventually it will become apparent to people. Eg I was going through an awful time personally at one point and my sister would ask many Qs about what had happened and how I was feeling. Yet she never empathised or took the time to really try to support me same as I did countless times with her. NB by this time she had just married and was blissfully happy with her lovely kind DH. Anyway, as time went on I realised that I was almost like an entertainment piece for her. She would ask Qs then just let me vent and that’s about all the interaction there was. Sometimes she would make me feel worse! And say things I hadn’t even thought of! Eg she’d say ‘when you get back home after visiting us, don’t you feel bad you’ll be all alone?”.

Once I realised it was hard for me to stomach opening up to her and I’d just give short answers. It was only later I realised it was called schadenfreude. My mother has this trait even worse.

You are just feeling a bit shit, I think, OP. Most people never admit it to themselves.
<hugs>

Are you envious of them and are happy when they are not doing so well?

I hope you're not my friend!

Maybe you are sensation seeking , like needing a thrill?