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Original poster

For stopping my partner going to his friends wedding

240 replies

YourOlivePoster · 23/05/2025 17:56

The title sounds bad- I know but hear me out. We have been together 10 years, engaged for 2 and were due to get married this year. He went through a full scale mental breakdown at the end of last year and left our home in wales (where we have a daughter, and a multitude of pets) and went back to his mum’s house as he couldn’t deal with the responsibility anymore. He had a problem with drugs, racked up £15k debt and just could not function. He had walked out of his job so wasn’t bringing in and income so I spent 6 months as the sole earner with him being away at his mums for 2 of them. Obviously that was an awful time for both of us but he is having therapy and had a part time time job and is back at home so things are on the up. Anyway, his friend is due to get married abroad in June and he is meant to be a groomsman. We hadn’t spoken about it. I am a teacher so wouldn’t be able to go anyway as it is during term time. He has come to me saying his mum is offering to pay for his flights and accommodation as a loan (on top of the £15k she stumped up to clear his debts and over £1000 for therapy) for him to go to the wedding. He thinks I am spiteful for not wanting him to go. I have had to back out of various events this year including my best friend’s hen because I couldn’t afford them as he was out of work having his crisis. It feels totally unfair that he gets to go because his family is more wealthy and his mum will literally pay for anything. I feel so frustrated but on the other hand it is one of his best friends. The other blow is we have had to cancel our own wedding due to everything that happened, I am even still paying off what we owe for my wedding dress and the venue every month. We are still recovering financially and living within a tight budget and he hasn’t put aside any money for spending whilst there so even though his mum will pay the bulk he is still going to spend hundreds of pounds we don’t have. Also the wedding is 3 days in Greece so he would be away 5 nights during the busiest term time leaving me to run everything at home. Am I being unreasonable by not wanting him to go? If anyone needs a holiday it is me!

OP posts:
Springtime43 · 23/05/2025 18:12

He should not be going

SheridansPortSalut · 23/05/2025 18:12

"I owe it to him after 10 years to try and turn it around"

No you don't. You can't fix this. It has to come from him. He owes it to you to try to turn it around but that's not what's happening.

I'll say it again - he is always going to put himself first.

ginasevern · 23/05/2025 18:12

@YourOlivePoster

"I owe it to him after 10 years to try and turn it around. If it doesn’t work out I can walk away knowing I tried."

No you don't and anyway you have tried. You should be putting your child first, not him. You've had lots of good advice on here but you seem determined to ignore it. Good luck OP.

Loopytiles · 23/05/2025 18:11

He clearly hasn’t ‘done everything he can’ though, has he?

After taking 15k from his mum and leaving you to parent DD and pay for loads, he’s seeking yet more money from her for a personal holiday, while you work/parent/pay the bills he created, and is calling you ‘spiteful’ for objecting!

he’s a loser and you should do better, if not for yourself for your DC. Loving him isn’t reason to put up with such things.

ThejoyofNC · 23/05/2025 18:10

I I owe it to him after 10 years to try and turn it around.

You owe him fuck all.

Tartanboots · 23/05/2025 18:10

YourOlivePoster · 23/05/2025 18:06

Thanks all- the drugs was a huge issue for me. I know he is a good man that has just struggled with his mental health and he has done everything in his power to turn things around for us. I’m absolutely not jumping into marrying him but it is only a few weeks since he got back from his mums and I owe it to him after 10 years to try and turn it around. If it doesn’t work out I can walk away knowing I tried.

And what does he owe you OP? Support, respect, kindness, love? And has he provided it to you? You owe him nothing.

Justmuddlingalong · 23/05/2025 18:10

He'll never change. He doesn't have to, when those around him pick up the pieces.
Him attending the wedding is a red herring, when your life is in bits clearing up his mess.

Birdseyetrifle · 23/05/2025 18:09

Multitude of red flags so big they’d dwarf a stadium, throw him back to his mums.

Do not out yourself or your children through this shit show caused by a selfish man!

SemperIdem · 23/05/2025 18:09

YourOlivePoster · 23/05/2025 18:06

Thanks all- the drugs was a huge issue for me. I know he is a good man that has just struggled with his mental health and he has done everything in his power to turn things around for us. I’m absolutely not jumping into marrying him but it is only a few weeks since he got back from his mums and I owe it to him after 10 years to try and turn it around. If it doesn’t work out I can walk away knowing I tried.

You owe it to yourself and your children to not waste more time on this man who will never prioritise anyone above himself.

sweetsandsour · 23/05/2025 18:07

You’d be better off on your own OP. Get your ducks in a row.

MyOliveHelper · 23/05/2025 18:07

I don't think he should go, but i don't think you should stop him going. That's not who you want to be.

I think you need to think carefully how much more you want to attach yourself to this guy. He doesn't sound dependable.

Callie247 · 23/05/2025 18:07

I think this wedding is probably the least of your problems to be fair.

Coffeeishot · 23/05/2025 18:07

Let him go, you and your child don't need this loser in your life! He isn't going to change he isn't going to ever make you happy and he is emotionally damaging his child.

ThejoyofNC · 23/05/2025 18:07

God OP I don't mean to sound harsh but you were so incredibly stupid to take him back.

I would tell him plainly that he's in (at least) £16k of debt and he can't afford to go. If he's too much of a spoilt mummy's boy child to accept that, then I just don't know how you can stay with him.

He's shown you in the past he thinks nothing of leaving you in financial distress and he got away with it then so no doubt he will think he can rinse and repeat.

SheridansPortSalut · 23/05/2025 18:07

He is always going to put himself first.

Your cancelled wedding was a blessing.

SeventeenClovesOfGarlic · 23/05/2025 18:06

Having a drug addict for a parent is an Adverse Childhood Experience. Read up on the impact it has on a child.

You could be happy and enjoying life instead of having this man around.

Original poster
YourOlivePoster · 23/05/2025 18:06

Thanks all- the drugs was a huge issue for me. I know he is a good man that has just struggled with his mental health and he has done everything in his power to turn things around for us. I’m absolutely not jumping into marrying him but it is only a few weeks since he got back from his mums and I owe it to him after 10 years to try and turn it around. If it doesn’t work out I can walk away knowing I tried.

OP posts:
Eastermuppet · 23/05/2025 18:05

The only way that you are unreasonable is by still being with him, use this to think about your future with him

CurbsideProphet · 23/05/2025 18:05

I'm sorry but I can't see how you benefit from having this man back living in your house. You bear the weight of responsibility for everything and it sounds like he does not appreciate any of your sacrifices .

xxxwd · 23/05/2025 18:04

Let him go and pack his bags while he is gone.

Ponderingwindow · 23/05/2025 18:04

Your household is still suffering money issues and he wants to accumulate debt. People are right, you can’t stop him from going. You can however choose to end a relationship with someone who thinks acquiring debt instead of focusing on his family is a wise decision. That is even without his history.

Just that one decision would be enough to end things. Add in the previous financial irresponsibility, drug use, and child abandonment and you would be wise to leave him. He did not gain any real sense of responsibility in his time away

SemperIdem · 23/05/2025 18:04

The only thing you are being unreasonable about is taking back this selfish man at all.

ginasevern · 23/05/2025 18:04

Yes, you are being very unreasonable - to even consider marrying this waste of fucking space. You don't honestly think that he's a "reformed" man do you? Your life will be nothing but an on/off misery with him. Do yourself a favour, send him back to mummy and let her finance him. If you don't do it for yourself, at least think of your daughter.

eustoitnow · 23/05/2025 18:04

Why would you take him back? You should have dumped his bags on his mother’s doorstep and left him to it. He sounds entitled and selfish and he won’t change

SemperIdem · 23/05/2025 18:03

Gustavo77 · 23/05/2025 18:00

He should go, everything else is incidental. You obviously have no idea, or seem to care what he's been through, be glad he's well enough to even consider going. Once he's well enough you can get a break if it's that important to you but it's not a situation where you being so selfish of playing tit for tat is reasonable. I'm glad he's got his mum to support him.

Are you joking?