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AIBU?

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Original poster

For stopping my partner going to his friends wedding

240 replies

YourOlivePoster · 23/05/2025 17:56

The title sounds bad- I know but hear me out. We have been together 10 years, engaged for 2 and were due to get married this year. He went through a full scale mental breakdown at the end of last year and left our home in wales (where we have a daughter, and a multitude of pets) and went back to his mum’s house as he couldn’t deal with the responsibility anymore. He had a problem with drugs, racked up £15k debt and just could not function. He had walked out of his job so wasn’t bringing in and income so I spent 6 months as the sole earner with him being away at his mums for 2 of them. Obviously that was an awful time for both of us but he is having therapy and had a part time time job and is back at home so things are on the up. Anyway, his friend is due to get married abroad in June and he is meant to be a groomsman. We hadn’t spoken about it. I am a teacher so wouldn’t be able to go anyway as it is during term time. He has come to me saying his mum is offering to pay for his flights and accommodation as a loan (on top of the £15k she stumped up to clear his debts and over £1000 for therapy) for him to go to the wedding. He thinks I am spiteful for not wanting him to go. I have had to back out of various events this year including my best friend’s hen because I couldn’t afford them as he was out of work having his crisis. It feels totally unfair that he gets to go because his family is more wealthy and his mum will literally pay for anything. I feel so frustrated but on the other hand it is one of his best friends. The other blow is we have had to cancel our own wedding due to everything that happened, I am even still paying off what we owe for my wedding dress and the venue every month. We are still recovering financially and living within a tight budget and he hasn’t put aside any money for spending whilst there so even though his mum will pay the bulk he is still going to spend hundreds of pounds we don’t have. Also the wedding is 3 days in Greece so he would be away 5 nights during the busiest term time leaving me to run everything at home. Am I being unreasonable by not wanting him to go? If anyone needs a holiday it is me!

OP posts:
TunnocksOrDeath · 23/05/2025 18:30

Gustavo77 · 23/05/2025 18:00

He should go, everything else is incidental. You obviously have no idea, or seem to care what he's been through, be glad he's well enough to even consider going. Once he's well enough you can get a break if it's that important to you but it's not a situation where you being so selfish of playing tit for tat is reasonable. I'm glad he's got his mum to support him.

Maybe you "have no idea or don't seem to care" what it is like having your life held hostage by a partner with an addiction that forces you as an individual into financial hardship to cover your 'joint' costs. I can tell you from experience it is a relentless, soul-destroying slog.
The OP is paying off debt for the non-refundable elements of the wedding that they had to cancel because of HIS addiction. She is not being selfish in the slightest to suggest that it's not fair for him to borrow even more money to go off on a jolly before that is paid off.

BookWorrum · 23/05/2025 18:29

You have to know, in your heart of hearts, that he will relapsed and the weekend will be a major bender that he’ll lie to your face about once he gets home.

That’s what life with an addict is.

Davros · 23/05/2025 18:26

I chose YABU because you should be rejoicing to get rid of him, even if it’s only for a holiday. Don’t let him back, get rid 🗑️

SheridansPortSalut · 23/05/2025 18:26

He's been working for 2 week. How long has he been off the drink and drugs? Is he in any kind of rehab program?

Piginapokiee · 23/05/2025 18:23

I know you have a long history and a child together. But think back to yourself as a child- is this the man you would choose for yourself?

SpacedOutOut · 23/05/2025 18:23

Let him go to the wedding. And while he’s there, move his stuff to his mothers and change the bloody locks! Or you will be dealing with this the rest of your life.

YourSignalFadedIntoAnotherWorld · 23/05/2025 18:23

I know this isn't your question but FFS don't marry this totally failed human. Sell up, leave and stop being his rehabilitation centre. It will wear you down and hollow you out until you won't know which way is up.

Bigearringsbigsmile · 23/05/2025 18:21

Gustavo77 · 23/05/2025 18:00

He should go, everything else is incidental. You obviously have no idea, or seem to care what he's been through, be glad he's well enough to even consider going. Once he's well enough you can get a break if it's that important to you but it's not a situation where you being so selfish of playing tit for tat is reasonable. I'm glad he's got his mum to support him.

What the actual fuck?????

Viviennemary · 23/05/2025 18:21

Let him go to the wedding and then end this relationship. He is a waste of time.

JHound · 23/05/2025 18:21

I would be putting this one out for bin collection.

Original poster
YourOlivePoster · 23/05/2025 18:21

At the moment I am managing everything financially yes. He has only been working part time for 2 weeks now. He has stopped the drugs and is not drinking and still having private therapy sessions once a week.
reading some of your comments is really very humbling. I have also contacted his mum and told her she is enabling this behaviour and the handouts need to stop. It seems easy to see so many “red flags” when reading your comments but it is so difficult when you have built a life and love somebody.

OP posts:
IWishIWasABaller · 23/05/2025 18:20

SheridansPortSalut · 23/05/2025 18:07

He is always going to put himself first.

Your cancelled wedding was a blessing.

This 100 times over op , be thankful you are not married to him, find your backbone and leave. You'd be absolutely insane to stay with him and marry

viques · 23/05/2025 18:20

Don’t marry him.

You would be tying you and your child to an unreliable,
druggy , practically unemployable man for the next however many years . It won’t be his mother having to pay off his next lot of debts, it will be you. For the sake of your mental health, your child’s confidence and self esteem and your credit rating, tell him from now on he can go to as many weddings as he wants to - with the exception of the one you were planning, which won’t be happening!

SheridansPortSalut · 23/05/2025 18:20

Is he somehow supposed to stay sober and clean on this stag trip? No chance.

SALaw · 23/05/2025 18:18

YourOlivePoster · 23/05/2025 18:06

Thanks all- the drugs was a huge issue for me. I know he is a good man that has just struggled with his mental health and he has done everything in his power to turn things around for us. I’m absolutely not jumping into marrying him but it is only a few weeks since he got back from his mums and I owe it to him after 10 years to try and turn it around. If it doesn’t work out I can walk away knowing I tried.

Only back a few weeks yet you’re marrying him this year? I would say you would want at least 12 months of normality, drug free, no drama before even starting to plan a wedding

Divastrout · 23/05/2025 18:16

Loopytiles · 23/05/2025 18:02

Is Gusavo OP’s mother in law?

I was thinking the same thing

whitewineandsun · 23/05/2025 18:16

He's clearly used to having women save his arse.

Coconutter24 · 23/05/2025 18:16

YourOlivePoster · 23/05/2025 18:06

Thanks all- the drugs was a huge issue for me. I know he is a good man that has just struggled with his mental health and he has done everything in his power to turn things around for us. I’m absolutely not jumping into marrying him but it is only a few weeks since he got back from his mums and I owe it to him after 10 years to try and turn it around. If it doesn’t work out I can walk away knowing I tried.

Why do you owe it to him? Just because you’ve been together for 10 years? If this relationship was so important to him he’d try focus on getting financially secure again so you have a nice or comfortable life. Instead he’s prioritising this wedding over you and your feelings, why doesn’t he owe it to you to try make things right?
Also out of interest, if he’s only working part time who is paying the household bills and the debt?

whynotmereally · 23/05/2025 18:15

Are you managing yours and his money? If yes say to his mum if she gives him the money she won’t get it back.
but I’d be tempted to tell him to choose you and dd or the wedding if he chooses the wedding your relationship was doomed anyway

Gettingbysomehow · 23/05/2025 18:14

He isn't responsible enough to be your husband. For the love of God don't marry him. Going on from 2 previous man-child husbands I will never marry again unless it is 100% to my financial advantage.
His problems will become your problems, why would you want that?

whitewineandsun · 23/05/2025 18:14

It's so sad that you think you owe him anything when it's the other way around.

Sunshineclouds11 · 23/05/2025 18:14

ThejoyofNC · 23/05/2025 18:10

I I owe it to him after 10 years to try and turn it around.

You owe him fuck all.

Agree

TheQuietestSpace · 23/05/2025 18:13

I think I'd be very calm about it but absolutely clear that if he went, he would be single when he returned.

outerspacepotato · 23/05/2025 18:13

YourOlivePoster · 23/05/2025 18:06

Thanks all- the drugs was a huge issue for me. I know he is a good man that has just struggled with his mental health and he has done everything in his power to turn things around for us. I’m absolutely not jumping into marrying him but it is only a few weeks since he got back from his mums and I owe it to him after 10 years to try and turn it around. If it doesn’t work out I can walk away knowing I tried.

It's only been a few weeks back for him and he plans to go off again and run up a shit ton of debt.

He hasn't turned anything around. You're playing a fool's game here. Let him take a year and turn it around. Work a program. Work regularly at a steady job. No drugs or alcohol. Build up savings. Parent on a regular schedule. Then you talk about getting back together.

Did he go to rehab and is he working a program?

Loopytiles · 23/05/2025 18:12

Also, if he was using drugs in late 2024 and has been enabled by his mum and you not to face the full consequences of his addiction, it is likely a wedding abroad = relapse risk.

Has he quit booze?