For stopping my partner going to his friends wedding

His mum is also expecting you to pay this ‘loan’ back ( because he won’t be able to on his part time wage). Is she also expecting you to cover the £15k debt her son got himself into? She’s not just enabling his addiction, she’s financially abusing you and her granddaughter when she knows at no point was this ever a joint debt, but expects you to take money from her grandchild’s mouth in order to pay for something you haven’t ever agreed to or benefited from. How is that fair on you?

You must be his mum!!
Honestly - you seriously think she should support someone who did this to her and their child?

Good grief, OP, he has run up debts, had problems with drink and drugs, run away from his responsibilities - and now proposes to rack up more debts (I note his mother will “loan” him the money) that in all probability you ‘ll have to pay back. Whatever happened with your wedding was a lucky escape - he should be coming to you on bended knee, not accusing you of being “spiteful” for not indulging his every whim. For as long as his DM is alive, he will go running to her at every touch and turn: once she’s gone, you’ll be picking up all the pieces. Is this really what you want for your own future and your DD, OP? What sort of an example are you setting her? I think you have to do some long hard thinking about what your future looks like - and I don’t think this selfish, self-indulgent mummy’s boy will be part of it.

You're not protecting your child and you're naive if you think the drugs won't come back.

People who lack resilience don't suddenly develop resilience with a stint of therapy. It takes a LOT of therapy and commitment and life altering to build resilience, but the next time something stressful happens, an argument, a bereavement, a disciplinary etc. The drugs will come back.

And if they do what do you think social services would say?

And if your first thought is that you'd do anything to not have them involved in your life, then the best way to do that is to ship this one back to his mum for good and let him be her problem.

Also, get some therapy for yourself. At the very least do Al Anon. Your mindset of you're going to give it another go, but if it doesn't work you can say you tried is deeply codependent, and selfish behaviour.

Your child has already had him walk out once, and now he will go again, either by his choice or your choice, and that is extremely damaging.

If you would do anything for your child, do this and get rid of this man.

If his mum were paying for absolutely everything including spending money for the trip as a gift, I could maybe see his point that there's no harm in his going and that whether he goes or not won't change the fact that you have had to scrimp and sacrifice and miss important events. But since it's a loan AND it won't cover all his expenses, he can't afford to go. Whether or not your finances are completely blended or separate, his spending money and incurring debt negatively impacts you so you're right to speak up about it.

However, if you're leading with reminding him that you've missed out and it's unfair rather than with the financial impact of his going, that's giving him an opening for the "spiteful" stuff. He KNOWS that's not the main issue unless he's a complete idiot, but he wants to go so he's going to grab on to anything that makes him look less bad and minimises his irresponsible and self-centered attitude and behaviour. You shouldn't have to baby him and a lot of people couldn't be bothered, but if the negative impact of his going is unacceptable to you then I advise keeping emotion out of the discussion as much as you can and focusing on budget and numbers.

the drugs was a huge issue for me

Obviously not that huge or you wouldn't have allowed him back until he'd been clean for a long period

I know he is a good man that has just struggled with his mental health and he has done everything in his power to turn things around for us

Has he? Because after all the effort you're making for him, my idea of "doing everything" would be to give whatever money mummy's paid to you, so you can enjoy a much deserved break
Or rather you could have done, except that leaving a young child alone with a drug addict would be madness

The fact that he thinks this is a good idea after what he has put you through would be enough for me. Someone who genuinely wanted to get on the right track would see the danger on going off on a holiday like this so early in recovery. He will bring you down again, waste your money and your time. His dm already enables him, don’t enable him yourself (I think you already are by paying off the wedding while he is contributing nothing - and he is the cause of you having to do that!)

I think you have to give him an ultimatum and then you will see whether he puts you or his addiction first.

Yep, put the rubbish out.

Manchild alert

Don’t marry him.

Run for the hills.

Give him your opinion but let him make his own decision.

He will borrow more money.
He will go.
He will relapse.
He might lose the job.
He will expect you to pick up the pieces.

When this happens you will either open your eyes to reality or you will continue to wear blinkers. Your choice

No, HE owes it to YOU to prioritise you, your daughter, your household and the shared finances, of which HE has messed up. His behaviour shows you he is an adolescent and I’m sorry OP, but he won’t be doing anymore growing up.

if you think he is going to go on an abroad stag and not drink then , with respect, you are utterly delusional.

and I know about drink and drug problems, more than most, so I do not say this judgmentally at all. If he is serious about staying sober, a stag do is the last thing he should be going on. It's not a 'oh I'm sober most of the time apart from when it's a stag/party/xmas/birthday/ day of the week with a Y in it'.

He's obviously not serious about sobriety or your relationship.

It saddens me in this day and age how women have such low self esteem and self worth

WOW, that is vicious, she is supporting him, and their kids and their pets and their home ...and paying for the wedding they had to cancel. I think she has been pretty tolerant and supportive.

But there comes a time when an adult has to accept responsibility for THEIR mistakes and reciprocate for their partner and kids. This is his chance to acknowledge, reciprocate and rebuild the relationship - the world does not revolve around him.

OP is being realistic and trying to manage the families affairs, if she goes down under the pressure, that is to no-ones benefit. Its a tough call OP but stick to your guns.

FFS don't marry this waste of space.

I owe it to him after 10 years to try and turn it around

No you don't - you really don't.

And even if you did - he's not playing to the same rules as you is he? He's meant to be in therapy, steering clear of drugs and working. So after 2 weeks in a new job - he's planning a trip aboard for a wedding. Is it a drink free wedding ? And lets be honest, there is a culture of recreational drug use these days. And he (and his mother) think it's a good idea to land a drug addict in that environment. Wonder what his therapist thinks ? He is not playing by the rules of proving to you he is worthy of your affection and hard work. So why are you honouring him with your efforts ?

He's a drug addict, barely back on an even keel. OK - You can't stop him going. You can ask for drug tests when he returns, but really if you can't trust him, the relationship is dead in the water. And let me be clear - you can't trust him, not because he's a bad person but because he's an addict and very early on in his recovery journey.

Untangle your finances - it's certainly not up to you to fund his holiday. I'm sorry - but it's time to get those ducks in a row and prepare to move on

this

Hi @YourOlivePoster ... my husband also has episodes of bad mental health. Nothing like this thankfully, but he did lose a job in the past when the atmosphere got a bit toxic and he started having panic attacks. It sucked, it was hard for a while, I knew it wasn't his fault but that didn't necessarily make it easy to handle.

I think the question is if you want to be with this man or not- and if you do I think you need to find a way to forgive the bad mental health and the repercussions it had on you. Because if you don't help him to find joy in his life and he is prone to bad mental health he will backslide (in my experience).

I think you need to start from a place of how could we maybe make this work and go from there or the resentment will kill off the relationship anyway.

I don't think any healthy relationship comes from a place of 'stopping' something that is important to the other. At least have open discussions where you are willing to find a compromise.

I think the real question you should be asking yourself is why do you want to be saddled with a man who is addicted to drugs, doesn't work, doesn't take responsibility for himself or his family and pops back to mummy when things get tough knowing mummy will bail him out financially and probably emotionally.

You tell him if he goes he is history.
it will turn into a bender
he hasn't even started to be solvent
he is immature
You are not covering his next failure.
You are done

And he's really not going to drink or take drugs on an overseas wedding away? Surely he can recognise it's a high risk to his sobriety/recovery!

If you persist with the delusion that you owe him a chance, at the very least can you do the right think for yourself and agreed that you won't marry him for at least 5 years fully clean and sober with no set backs?

I would be surprised if he manages it but at least you won't be saddled with him if he does.

Is this a joke?

He should have his tail between his legs thanking his lucky stars that he’s been both bailed out and given another chance!! To call you spiteful for not wanting him to get further into debt going on a piss up when you’ve had to live responsibly and are still paying off your venue etc. is unempathetic, shortsighted and beyond fucking cheeky.

I know it’s hard to acknowledge when you love someone, want to make it work (and are probably a kind person) but he’s racked up lots of red flags in a short amount of time and he doesn’t sound like a great guy

Ah you do sound like a caring person, don’t let this baby man bring you down, he’s going to a wedding on a Greek island and is in recovery… that’s a joke. Stop enabling him and look out for yourself. All the best ❤️

Voted yabu for staying with him. What is wrong with you