For stopping my partner going to his friends wedding

Its also possible that when he goes, he will fall off the wagon as its too early in his recovery although no one can blame him for wanting to go. And this will; be framed as your fault for stressing him or for allowing him to go when he is not ready

If you tell him he cannot go, he will rant and probably go back to his old habits and his narrative will be that you pushed him to it

Exactly, @RockOrAHardplace, and now OP's possibly offended mummy by suggesting she's enabling him there's every chance she'll be in his ear, commiserating about how OP "drove him to it"

To my mind the only sensible option is to send him away and reconsider only if he stays clean for an extended spell, but of course it's OP's choice to make

You don’t owe him anything regardless of how long you have been together. If anyone owes anyone anything it’s him for walking away and leaving you to pick up the slack.
He shouldn’t even have the brass neck to borrow more money and he should be eternally grateful you took him back.

I would end it for good now. He will bring you nothing but misery

Please god do not marry this man! He has zero respect for you.

There are 2 words to describe your fiance: selfish manipulator. Having mental health issues does not give any person the excuse to behave is such inconsiderate, selfish and bs manner. He calks you "spiteful" when you have had to hold EVERYTHING together, your daughter, home, pets, bills, job and now pay back for your wedding. Why did he not get help to consolidate his loans? It seems to be jumping from one debt to another except his mother is the lender AND enabler indulging her son. Is he reprehensible to not even see the strain you are under and think of himself again! Why you are with this man and even want to marry him is a mystery. He ran off back to mummy. He left you to cope and abandonded the child you have together. If you have so many pets maybe it is a lot and can cause chaos and stress. It might be kinder to rehome some and better for all. I don't see how you are benefitting from this relationship. The man wants to get more money off mummy, does not have spendimg money, go on a bender, you are stressed out, working flat out and he has the gall to call you spiteful! Honestly, you are not showing your daughter a good example of supportice relationship from both sides. The strain you are under is enough to give you a breakdown too. If it was my fiance I'd end it and come the holidays go to your parents with your daughter, get the pets rehomed and find a place ro live.

Don’t marry him. This man is not husband Material.

Did his mum hear your point of view? Does she understand she is enabling him @YourOlivePoster ?

I dont understand for the life of me why you're hitching your horse to this wagon.

OP are his friends who are going to be at the wedding men he has previously done drugs/gone drinking with? Because an overseas wedding sounds like a bit of a binge fest waiting to happen and probably the sort of place a recovering addict ought to avoid.

Also on the I know he is a good man that has just struggled with his mental health and he has done everything in his power to turn things around for us. front -

He’s not done everything he can if he’s contemplating taking on more debt, abandoning you and his DD for 5 days and then calling you names when you point out the unfairness. I get that he’s come back and is doing some of the work needed to move on from his breakdown, but he quite clearly hasn’t appreciated what he’s actually done to you or DD.

My heart goes out to you OP, you still see the man you fell in love with and have had kids with, the man you expected to marry and despite all his flaws, you have accepted them and done everything you can to support his recovery and from the sounds of it, have made significant sacrifices for you and your children to support him.

People can recover from this and I whole heartedly applaud your tenacity and commitment to this man. BUT... quite frankly you are damned if you do and damned if you don't here!

If you let him go, he is not taking accountability nor prioritising his families well being. That would be it for me. Its also possible that when he goes, he will fall off the wagon as its too early in his recovery although no one can blame him for wanting to go. And this will; be framed as your fault for stressing him or for allowing him to go when he is not ready.

If you tell him he cannot go, he will rant and probably go back to his old habits and his narrative will be that you pushed him to it.

You need to sit him down and tell him the emotional, practical and physical costs this situation has had on you and the financial long term ramifications for the family. Not only is he not appreciating this, but he is adding to the load by creating additional unwarranted debt . He needs to think about what he is denying you and the kids for his own few days of fun.

I personally would say that just like you, he is an adult and is responsible for his own actions but if he chooses to prioritise his own short holiday at the cost of additional years of financial misery, for his future wife and kids, then he is not the man you fell in love with and the man you have been waiting to re-discover. Tell him you are not willing to do that to your kids and ask if he is?

As a teacher, I am sure you can spot the kids with families like this and you must know first hand how it affects them?

This is his decision not yours, he either starts taking some responsibility for his actions or he needs to ship out. You (or his Mum), can't keep propping him up, he needs to decide to want to do it for himself and sadly sometimes that means he needs to hit rock bottom first...and that is not something your kids should witness.

Big hugs, you must do what you must do as you and your kids will either suffer the consequences or reap the rewards. You have been loving and supportive and now its time to be strong and stand your ground.

What a loser. He brings nothing to your life. Send him off to Greece and tell him not to come back.

You owe him nothing. You owe your child a future without this man dragging you both down.

I owe him after 10 years…?

You don’t owe him anything, he’s screwing you over with his mother colluding with him, you count for zilch in his life.
Ffs start putting yourself and your dc first because god knows he won’t.

No, you owe it to yourself to extract yourself from this intolerable situation. He needs a LOT of work which will take a LONG time. With his mother enabling him it will take even longer.
Exit stage left. Let him come back when he’s sorted himself out. You don’t need or deserve this.

Why is it that when men have a MH crisis they get to opt out of life for a little while but women don’t?

I think you should reframe the way you talk about the money she’s giving him. It isn’t a handout for a jolly (which would be bad enough when you’re stuck doing all the grunt work), what she is actually doing is loading him down with more debt for a jolly. Debt that will have a direct, detrimental impact on your and her DGD’s life.

So who’s paying the money back to his mother?

YABU to marry him or even stay in a relationship with him. He’s a drug addict and his debt will become your debt. Please don’t teach your daughter to think it’s ok to stay in a relationship with someone with drug and debt problems.

Indeed! I have a feeling “Gustavo” is OP’s MIL!

And when does op get time/money spent on herself?

A good and decent man wouldn’t call you “spiteful” under these circumstances. Lord knows what he actually brings to the table OP because even if the roles were reversed I’d say the partner in his position was an absolute disgrace.

He thinks it's ok to go, that is enough for you to know he isn't committed to recovery or you and the daughter you share. This is he way of telling you - you don't count and you never will.

I'm truly sorry you can't see this. He shouldn't want to go and leave you again, he shouldn't want to borrow money, he shouldn't want to spend other money from his part-time job on himself.

He's given you the answers you need to move on - please take them for what they are and have the strength to separate.

When you pointed out that you have had to make sacrifices (such as the hen do) what does he say? Is he making an effort for your relationship?

agree with you that his mum is enabling him

Five nights in Greece for a wedding and he's still having weekly therapy for an addiction. He can't be serious enough about recovery or he wouldn't have even considered going, never mind actually planning it. Your fighting a losing battle and deserve better.

I have also contacted his mum and told her she is enabling this behaviour and the handouts need to stop

I wonder if that was a good idea, @YourOlivePoster?

It seems unlikely that a mum foolish enough to enable him will take any notice, and you might well have been framed as "the real problem" because of how "spiteful" you're being over objecting to the trip

Please don't marry him. He is not worth any of this. For him to criticise you after everything you put up with and supported him through is a joke.

He thinks about himself only and views you as a nag because you are making mature decisions that he doesn't want.

He is unlikely to ever make you happy. His influence on your child won't be a positive one either