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Original poster

For stopping my partner going to his friends wedding

240 replies

YourOlivePoster · 23/05/2025 17:56

The title sounds bad- I know but hear me out. We have been together 10 years, engaged for 2 and were due to get married this year. He went through a full scale mental breakdown at the end of last year and left our home in wales (where we have a daughter, and a multitude of pets) and went back to his mum’s house as he couldn’t deal with the responsibility anymore. He had a problem with drugs, racked up £15k debt and just could not function. He had walked out of his job so wasn’t bringing in and income so I spent 6 months as the sole earner with him being away at his mums for 2 of them. Obviously that was an awful time for both of us but he is having therapy and had a part time time job and is back at home so things are on the up. Anyway, his friend is due to get married abroad in June and he is meant to be a groomsman. We hadn’t spoken about it. I am a teacher so wouldn’t be able to go anyway as it is during term time. He has come to me saying his mum is offering to pay for his flights and accommodation as a loan (on top of the £15k she stumped up to clear his debts and over £1000 for therapy) for him to go to the wedding. He thinks I am spiteful for not wanting him to go. I have had to back out of various events this year including my best friend’s hen because I couldn’t afford them as he was out of work having his crisis. It feels totally unfair that he gets to go because his family is more wealthy and his mum will literally pay for anything. I feel so frustrated but on the other hand it is one of his best friends. The other blow is we have had to cancel our own wedding due to everything that happened, I am even still paying off what we owe for my wedding dress and the venue every month. We are still recovering financially and living within a tight budget and he hasn’t put aside any money for spending whilst there so even though his mum will pay the bulk he is still going to spend hundreds of pounds we don’t have. Also the wedding is 3 days in Greece so he would be away 5 nights during the busiest term time leaving me to run everything at home. Am I being unreasonable by not wanting him to go? If anyone needs a holiday it is me!

OP posts:
Lovelynames123 · 23/05/2025 20:06

Gustavo77 · 23/05/2025 18:00

He should go, everything else is incidental. You obviously have no idea, or seem to care what he's been through, be glad he's well enough to even consider going. Once he's well enough you can get a break if it's that important to you but it's not a situation where you being so selfish of playing tit for tat is reasonable. I'm glad he's got his mum to support him.

This must be his mother!

CurlewKate · 23/05/2025 20:04

YourOlivePoster · 23/05/2025 18:06

Thanks all- the drugs was a huge issue for me. I know he is a good man that has just struggled with his mental health and he has done everything in his power to turn things around for us. I’m absolutely not jumping into marrying him but it is only a few weeks since he got back from his mums and I owe it to him after 10 years to try and turn it around. If it doesn’t work out I can walk away knowing I tried.

You really owe him nothing. He, on the other hand, owes you loads.

ilovepixie · 23/05/2025 20:03

Why do so many educated women stay with waste of space cock lodgers? Are they so desperate for a man they will take anyone!

Gundogday · 23/05/2025 20:03

Not sure I would have took someone back who racked up 15k in under six months! You’re a better woman than me.

However, I do understand your frustration that he gets ‘rewarded’ with the holiday/wedding, and you’re stuck at home struggling with the fall out still.

MagpieCastle · 23/05/2025 20:02

YourOlivePoster · 23/05/2025 18:06

Thanks all- the drugs was a huge issue for me. I know he is a good man that has just struggled with his mental health and he has done everything in his power to turn things around for us. I’m absolutely not jumping into marrying him but it is only a few weeks since he got back from his mums and I owe it to him after 10 years to try and turn it around. If it doesn’t work out I can walk away knowing I tried.

I owe it to him after 10 years to try and turn it around.

No, you really don't. You've already done so much, contributed so much. It genuinely is up to you but you probably wouldn't have posted on here if your instincts weren't telling you something.

He might have lots of lovely qualities but he's also handing over the life burden to you. You have a choice as to whether you want to accept it and constantly accept the 'mother' role in this relationship (having to always be the one to point out 'you can't.../it'd be better if you didn't..') whilst, as an adult, you manage to do it automatically (can't do x because we don't have enough £). He already has both you and his mother sorting the adult life stuff so why would he need to adapt? Marriage should be between equals for this life stuff.

I don't underestimate how difficult your situation is but sunk cost fallacy suggests that, in this situation, you don't 'owe' anything but that you really do need to find a way to look at this clearly and prioritise your own needs in order to move forward. The key issue really isn't about him going to his friends wedding - it's about you and your future.

Donttellempike · 23/05/2025 20:02

Given what you’ve said, the fact that he is even considering a holiday like this now is your window into your future with this man.

You don’t matter, or not enough anyway, for him to throw everything he has at staying drug free. And nor does his child .This is your life if you stay with him

Whether or not he goes on the holiday doesn’ t really change that.

He has one priority, and that’s him

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 23/05/2025 20:01

Don’t marry him. Break up with him and split finances asap

dreamingbohemian · 23/05/2025 20:00

Tell him you cannot stop him from going but if he does, you are through

If he goes it will show he is not serious about sobriety or his debts, and that he is does not care about you enough to repair the harm he has caused.

Then you will know you gave him a chance and he failed, and you can move on with your life

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 23/05/2025 19:59

I think you should dump him and then nothing he does will be your problem anymore.

Purplehairbrush · 23/05/2025 19:57

Throw this one back OP.

Vaxtable · 23/05/2025 19:57

I would give him a choice, his friends wedding which would put him more in debt to his mum ( and I would block access to any joint funds to cover living costs) or you and his family

if, after all the support you have given him over the past 6 months or so he chooses the wedding I would be telling him to go now to his mums and stay there the relationship is over

tortiecat · 23/05/2025 19:50

OP are you on drugs??
No?
Because you would have to be out of your mind to marry this man baby - run away from him and his enabling mother and with the exception of co-parenting your daughter have nothing to do with him.

NotEnoughRoom · 23/05/2025 19:47

YourOlivePoster · 23/05/2025 18:06

Thanks all- the drugs was a huge issue for me. I know he is a good man that has just struggled with his mental health and he has done everything in his power to turn things around for us. I’m absolutely not jumping into marrying him but it is only a few weeks since he got back from his mums and I owe it to him after 10 years to try and turn it around. If it doesn’t work out I can walk away knowing I tried.

But OP, what is HE doing to try to turn it around? Nothing.

if the relationship ends, it’s not for YOUR lack of trying.

Bonjovispyjamas · 23/05/2025 19:45

OP, you'll look back in 20 years time and wonder why you wasted your life with this loser, don't let that happen, get rid now.

EllieEllie25 · 23/05/2025 19:40

He’s being incredibly selfish, and him calling you spiteful tells you he has absolutely no understanding or appreciation for how you have been carrying everything single handedly while he fucked off to have his crisis.

Time to sit him down and spell out exactly how much he owes you and why him going on this trip is beyond unfair.

Butchyrestingface · 23/05/2025 19:38

Sorry to be blunt, but if you've really got your heart setting on getting married, I recommend running out onto the street and marrying the first single bloke you come across.

You've at least an evens chance of finding someone more suitable than your current intended. Throw this one back to his long-suffering mother.

Totallytoti · 23/05/2025 19:33

His mother is not the only one enabling him!!

op is too. When the women in his life is giving him all these chances, then who is to blame?

Nanny0gg · 23/05/2025 19:32

Gustavo77 · 23/05/2025 18:00

He should go, everything else is incidental. You obviously have no idea, or seem to care what he's been through, be glad he's well enough to even consider going. Once he's well enough you can get a break if it's that important to you but it's not a situation where you being so selfish of playing tit for tat is reasonable. I'm glad he's got his mum to support him.

You're kidding, right?

You're not?

Oh.

RockOrAHardplace · 23/05/2025 19:30

@Puzzledandpissedoff I agree, that would be the best way to go but I am not sure the OP is ready to do that yet and ultimately she has to live with the consequences so she needs to make her own mind up about the future of her and her kids.

Its tough for her, she will be in a world of pain which ever way she goes.

Zuma76 · 23/05/2025 19:30

SeventeenClovesOfGarlic · 23/05/2025 18:06

Having a drug addict for a parent is an Adverse Childhood Experience. Read up on the impact it has on a child.

You could be happy and enjoying life instead of having this man around.

What a sanctimonious thing to say. OP already has a child. If she chooses to leave him, he will still be a parent. If you have nothing nice to say it’s usually better to say nothing at all.

UndermyShoeJoe · 23/05/2025 19:30

After 10 years together not married and him racking up debt. I wouldn’t be wasting another 1 year because of the previous 10.

Sunken cost fallacy.

He isn’t bothered about debt clearly as his happy to take on more debt for a holiday. His not parenting when his barely come back after being away for so long and then wants to skip off again. Also 3 day wedding and his meant to be sober and drug free when his only just started again…. Yeah that won’t happen. Just a toast will lead to a load and someone will have something to sniff or smoke once the party starts.

But yourself and child first. So no you cannot stop him but don’t be relying on him for anything and prepare to leave. For your child.

Panama2 · 23/05/2025 19:25

He can’t afford to go and if he is getting handouts from his Mum he should use that money to help you clear the debts he has caused such as leaving you to pay off your dress etc.
He needs to be sober for some time before you even contemplate marriage, sorry

WilfredsPies · 23/05/2025 19:25

Define ‘good man’. Because I’m seeing someone who didn’t just go sick, but who completely abandoned his wife and child to fuck off back to mummy’s house and now that he’s back, is glossing over the damage he’s caused both to your relationship and your finances, and deciding that now would be the time to get even deeper into debt so he can go off for a jolly with his mates. That is NOT a good man. And he won’t change.

The feeling you’ll get when you’re in a relationship with an actual good man and realise that responsibilities are shared between you rather than all being on your shoulders will make you feel very emotional.

MoreChocPls · 23/05/2025 19:24

You don’t owe him anything g. He’s taking you for a ride. He’s for his family as a security blanket. You’ve got nothing so why waste you life with a druggie.

WaltzingWaters · 23/05/2025 19:21

The fact that he even wants to go on a bender in Greece and increase his debt so soon after returning home, rather than focussing on you and his children and paying off what he can, shows that he’s utterly selfish and this should be what motivates you to end the relationship. At least don’t marry this man until he has been clean and committed for at least a few years.