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Original poster

For stopping my partner going to his friends wedding

240 replies

YourOlivePoster · 23/05/2025 17:56

The title sounds bad- I know but hear me out. We have been together 10 years, engaged for 2 and were due to get married this year. He went through a full scale mental breakdown at the end of last year and left our home in wales (where we have a daughter, and a multitude of pets) and went back to his mum’s house as he couldn’t deal with the responsibility anymore. He had a problem with drugs, racked up £15k debt and just could not function. He had walked out of his job so wasn’t bringing in and income so I spent 6 months as the sole earner with him being away at his mums for 2 of them. Obviously that was an awful time for both of us but he is having therapy and had a part time time job and is back at home so things are on the up. Anyway, his friend is due to get married abroad in June and he is meant to be a groomsman. We hadn’t spoken about it. I am a teacher so wouldn’t be able to go anyway as it is during term time. He has come to me saying his mum is offering to pay for his flights and accommodation as a loan (on top of the £15k she stumped up to clear his debts and over £1000 for therapy) for him to go to the wedding. He thinks I am spiteful for not wanting him to go. I have had to back out of various events this year including my best friend’s hen because I couldn’t afford them as he was out of work having his crisis. It feels totally unfair that he gets to go because his family is more wealthy and his mum will literally pay for anything. I feel so frustrated but on the other hand it is one of his best friends. The other blow is we have had to cancel our own wedding due to everything that happened, I am even still paying off what we owe for my wedding dress and the venue every month. We are still recovering financially and living within a tight budget and he hasn’t put aside any money for spending whilst there so even though his mum will pay the bulk he is still going to spend hundreds of pounds we don’t have. Also the wedding is 3 days in Greece so he would be away 5 nights during the busiest term time leaving me to run everything at home. Am I being unreasonable by not wanting him to go? If anyone needs a holiday it is me!

OP posts:
Mopsy567 · 23/05/2025 21:18

Gustavo77 · 23/05/2025 18:00

He should go, everything else is incidental. You obviously have no idea, or seem to care what he's been through, be glad he's well enough to even consider going. Once he's well enough you can get a break if it's that important to you but it's not a situation where you being so selfish of playing tit for tat is reasonable. I'm glad he's got his mum to support him.

I've lived with a depressed person and 'just be glad' or 'you should be grateful that...' was an incredibly manipulative phrase designed to lower expectations. 'I can't pick up the milk, just be glad I'm able to go outside', 'so what if I spent x amount, you should be glad I'm not lying in bed all day'. The message was have no expectations/ give no responsibilities. The OP has a right to expect more from them.

GoodEnoughParents · 23/05/2025 21:13

Loopytiles · 23/05/2025 18:01

Hope this is the straw that breaks the camel’s back for you!

Look after yourself and DD, OP, because your partner isn’t going to.

This man will ruin your life, your career and your energy.

nomas · 23/05/2025 21:11

YourOlivePoster · 23/05/2025 18:06

Thanks all- the drugs was a huge issue for me. I know he is a good man that has just struggled with his mental health and he has done everything in his power to turn things around for us. I’m absolutely not jumping into marrying him but it is only a few weeks since he got back from his mums and I owe it to him after 10 years to try and turn it around. If it doesn’t work out I can walk away knowing I tried.

You don’t owe him anything.

Duvetsse · 23/05/2025 21:05

What a loser.
Your poor child.

The drugs are not a huge issue for you.
If they were you wouldn't be allowing this utter waster back into your home.

Jk987 · 23/05/2025 21:04

Gustavo77 · 23/05/2025 18:00

He should go, everything else is incidental. You obviously have no idea, or seem to care what he's been through, be glad he's well enough to even consider going. Once he's well enough you can get a break if it's that important to you but it's not a situation where you being so selfish of playing tit for tat is reasonable. I'm glad he's got his mum to support him.

He prioritised drugs and put his child and partner through hell. How much more do they have to take?

Itisalovelyday2025 · 23/05/2025 21:02

You are trying harder than him

Tagyoureit · 23/05/2025 21:00

YourOlivePoster · 23/05/2025 18:06

Thanks all- the drugs was a huge issue for me. I know he is a good man that has just struggled with his mental health and he has done everything in his power to turn things around for us. I’m absolutely not jumping into marrying him but it is only a few weeks since he got back from his mums and I owe it to him after 10 years to try and turn it around. If it doesn’t work out I can walk away knowing I tried.

Do you not think he owes you some consideration now instead of swanning off yet again leaving you to hold everything together again? And not for his health benefit but simply for a jolly?

I realise, sometimes, there is a comfort in what is known but sometimes, that very same comfort will be the death of you.

I think it's time to cut yourself free of him.

Rosscameasdoody · 23/05/2025 20:58

WildflowerConstellations · 23/05/2025 20:31

So he's been back for 2 weeks, his mum paid off his debts and is now also paying for him to go on some coke binge pissup while you stay home working to pay off your wedding dress from your cancelled wedding? Nah mate. He can go but I don't think he should be coming back.

Nailed it.

Pickledpeanuts · 23/05/2025 20:51

I owe it to him after 10 years to try and turn it around.

With respect OP, after his behaviour for the last 6 months don't you think he owes it to you to prioritise your family and finances, and to commit to getting his relationship with you and your DC back on track?

beetr00 · 23/05/2025 20:48

@YourOlivePoster

You should definitely let him go and then change the goddamn locks.

You are an educated woman and have a daughter.

What, exactly, do you think you are teaching her?

Believe it or not, sometimes, love is not enough.

Serious bar raising required here Olive.

eta; to correct typo

Fruitbat99 · 23/05/2025 20:47

YourOlivePoster · 23/05/2025 18:06

Thanks all- the drugs was a huge issue for me. I know he is a good man that has just struggled with his mental health and he has done everything in his power to turn things around for us. I’m absolutely not jumping into marrying him but it is only a few weeks since he got back from his mums and I owe it to him after 10 years to try and turn it around. If it doesn’t work out I can walk away knowing I tried.

Hes only just returned and already he's being unreasonable and emotionally manipulative. He doesn't sound like a good man.

WildflowerConstellations · 23/05/2025 20:31

So he's been back for 2 weeks, his mum paid off his debts and is now also paying for him to go on some coke binge pissup while you stay home working to pay off your wedding dress from your cancelled wedding? Nah mate. He can go but I don't think he should be coming back.

BobbyBiscuits · 23/05/2025 20:31

I'm not going to say that having MH issues and being an (ex?) drug addict means someone is a terrible person or partner.
But the fact he is so irresponsible with money, and allows his mum to bail him out and he runs away to her house whenever he feels he needs to, those are bad red flags.
How do you know he won't just go back to mummy again, he knows you'll take him back no questions asked.
I have respect for people trying to sort out their mental problems but he doesn't sound like he's taking full responsibility for his own actions.

JWhipple · 23/05/2025 20:26

Gustavo77 · 23/05/2025 18:00

He should go, everything else is incidental. You obviously have no idea, or seem to care what he's been through, be glad he's well enough to even consider going. Once he's well enough you can get a break if it's that important to you but it's not a situation where you being so selfish of playing tit for tat is reasonable. I'm glad he's got his mum to support him.

Sorry, so her wanting to look after her own mental health is selfish.
But him acting like a dick and saying it's his mental health is ever so special and is at the centre of the universe, because everybody knows people with mental health issues cannot help anything they do ever. Apart from OP. Because she should be continuing to hold the fort indefinitely with no respite or support.

SunshineIdiot789 · 23/05/2025 20:23

YABU. Tell him to go. Call in sick with work and use the time to pack his bags and change the locks.

WayneEyre · 23/05/2025 20:22

Has he got any suggestions for putting things right apart from the trip? As in, real, concrete steps?

Ilovelifeverymuch · 23/05/2025 20:19

Gustavo77 · 23/05/2025 18:00

He should go, everything else is incidental. You obviously have no idea, or seem to care what he's been through, be glad he's well enough to even consider going. Once he's well enough you can get a break if it's that important to you but it's not a situation where you being so selfish of playing tit for tat is reasonable. I'm glad he's got his mum to support him.

Really??? Is that you mama enabler?????

RampantIvy · 23/05/2025 20:18

The other blow is we have had to cancel our own wedding

I'd see that as a positive. Don't marry a drug addict.

Spinachpastapicker · 23/05/2025 20:18

YourOlivePoster · 23/05/2025 18:06

Thanks all- the drugs was a huge issue for me. I know he is a good man that has just struggled with his mental health and he has done everything in his power to turn things around for us. I’m absolutely not jumping into marrying him but it is only a few weeks since he got back from his mums and I owe it to him after 10 years to try and turn it around. If it doesn’t work out I can walk away knowing I tried.

Erm, if he really was “doing everything he could” he would have decided for himself not to go to the wedding and rack up yet more debt.

But he doesn’t care. He wants so he gets. Ultimate selfishness. So he’ll go, probably spend a fortune on cocaine or whatever and then wail and sob if you have an issue with this.

Time for a long hard think OP!

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 23/05/2025 20:12

Why does he honestly think it's OK for you to male all the sacrifices?

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 23/05/2025 20:11

RawBloomers · 23/05/2025 19:09

OP are his friends who are going to be at the wedding men he has previously done drugs/gone drinking with? Because an overseas wedding sounds like a bit of a binge fest waiting to happen and probably the sort of place a recovering addict ought to avoid.

Also on the I know he is a good man that has just struggled with his mental health and he has done everything in his power to turn things around for us. front -

He’s not done everything he can if he’s contemplating taking on more debt, abandoning you and his DD for 5 days and then calling you names when you point out the unfairness. I get that he’s come back and is doing some of the work needed to move on from his breakdown, but he quite clearly hasn’t appreciated what he’s actually done to you or DD.

Agree with this 100%.

disgusting that he has been happy for you to go without, and still accepts you going without, to dig him out of the mess he created...and instead of being massively grateful and wanting to contribute, he expects you to support him even more while he digs an even deeper mess.

MammaTo · 23/05/2025 20:11

I think even by him suggesting the idea of going, shows he hasn't learnt anything or changed one bit. He should still be in grovelling mode and doing anything and everything to make you happy, but instead he’s acting like a spoilt brat.

Greenegrey · 23/05/2025 20:08

Jesus love. Cut and run.

Rosscameasdoody · 23/05/2025 20:07

Gustavo77 · 23/05/2025 18:00

He should go, everything else is incidental. You obviously have no idea, or seem to care what he's been through, be glad he's well enough to even consider going. Once he's well enough you can get a break if it's that important to you but it's not a situation where you being so selfish of playing tit for tat is reasonable. I'm glad he's got his mum to support him.

That you mummy ?

Pinkissmart · 23/05/2025 20:06

You don't owe him. You've paid in full