For stopping my partner going to his friends wedding

Why are you spending so much on a wedding to a drug addicted financial wreck?

He could cost you your entire career if you marry him and he gets convicted for drug offences. I’ve had to sign paperwork that I don’t live in a home with criminals in 2 different schools I’ve worked in. He sounds like such a prick for even asking to go if you’re still paying for your dress and the venue?! Are you having to pay for the deposit or the full amount? I’m so sorry :( You deserve so much better but most importantly; your child deserves a safe, happy and STABLE home. If you can’t think of you please think of her. Would you ever have done any of this or abandoned her and fucked off to your mothers? Of course not.

MIL - Is that you???

Are you his mother?

I’d let him go permanently.

At this point I wouldn’t care if he went or not.
But I wouldn’t be there when he got back.
Life’s all about choices, @YourOlivePoster- make it your choice in life to love someone who respects you. ❤️

Im married to someone who struggles with mental health and drug issues (only recently attends cocaine anonymous having had issues on/off for 20 years !! ) it’s hard, relentless and our finances have suffered immensely as has my career prospects & friendships as I have a young child with him (a very happy accident) and an 18 year old. What I can say is your MIL bailing out someone who has driven up huge drug debts is lovely - particularly if he owed money to them directly as very scary prospect- BUT in the back of his mind he probably knows he can get bailed out again so lesson not learned. It’s taken me years to see you can’t change them/ they can only do it themselves. I know my DH has good intentions but is easily led/ a bad day/an anniversary of a relative death etc. any tip the scale and we are back to square one- I catch him out quite quickly now when he relapses thankfully as I recognise the signs but what a way to live !
I want to RUN for the hills some days but at the moment it’s just not possible. As kindly as possible I would think really carefully about your future with him and where you want to be in say 5/10 years. I am immensely grateful for my darling little one whom I wouldn’t have otherwise but my god life with my DH is very very hard some days and I have serious trust issues as drug addicts are very good liars !

It’s only a few weeks since he got back!! He owes it to YOU to not do this. I’d say do whatever you want but if it’s this family you want then no more debt. I’m the woman who’s parented our child and is paying off our cancelled wedding and is broke because of your debts and desperately needs a break, and you want to take on more debt to go away to a wedding in Greece leaving me to struggle through a busy work period as a single mum again , then you clearly don’t really want this family, and I can’t keep trying. It’s ok to have limits op.

Goodness, I can only think you must be his mum to have that take on this. Although if he was my child, I’d still have a very different take. Oh, unless you were just getting some kind of odd kick out of being mean to someone on the internet?

If you are missing out on fun stuff, he has to as well. He needs to pay the debt. Not you. Doesn’t matter if you’re married.

If his mum has offered to bail him out and he wants to take it and go to the wedding that’s up to him. But I wouldn’t be impressed nor trust him to use the money for the debt. Especially if he has spending issues.

RE the drugs, you have to let recovering addicts (I am one) do stuff, you can’t keep them in their room, but so many people do coke at weddings I’d be concerned. I’d want someone to be keeping an eye on him.

I've been married 20 years to a man who is also loving (never cheated or physically hurt us) but is an addict and alcoholic. His DM sounds like your DP's DM...enabling, giving money to him for fun times, ignoring that I'm working crazy hours to support our DC. She was a single mother so feels guilt about that and overcompensates. While DH loves us and has always had a job, he's a manchild who mismanages money if left alone. He "manages" his addictions but they don't go away.

MIL now has a terminal illness, and while she's kind to me and I'm sad for her, I'm looking forward to inheriting her money because I'm going to manage it. Her recent 'gift' to DH was a brand new car. I fumed because he doesn't need it (we have 2 cars in working condition) but our DC need university funds.

When she's gone, all her money, his car, etc. will go to our DC's university funds and down payments for DC first houses. If my DH spends it w/out my input, he and I both know he'll gamble and drink it all away, so he's agreed to this, but somehow he can't help himself asking dear mother for toys.

It's been a long road, OP, and addicts don't necessarily get fixed. I see small improvements but a lot of that is my taking tighter control of decisions. I wouldn't have heeded any advice at your age, but you should see what happens to women like us in 20 years time. I'm exhausted and should have had far more $ than I do now.

I read this and thought YABU to want to marry him. I thought maybe I was being harsh then realised most comments agree OP.

You owe him nothing.

he put drugs before you and your child.
he got you into debt
he ran back to mummy because she enables his behaviour,
he obviously doesn’t give a shit about anyone bar himself.

id tell him to go but to go back to his mums too, I wouldn’t be with someone who Weber put drugs before their child.

Fucking hell, LTB already!

So when he couldn’t cope with responsibility and had racked up 15 grand of debt, he runs home to mummy, she pays his debt. Mummy waits on him hand and foot so he gets rested and recuperation, when he feels better, bless his cotton socks he goes back to you. You have had to handle everything, a child, a full time job and the household, no respite and 2 weeks after he comes back he wants a holiday? It might be his mates wedding but it’s still a holiday! He doesn’t care he owes 15 grand to his mum, that you’re paying back for the cancelled wedding dress/venue and money is tight! His mummy thinks he deserves a break, her poor baby, so gets her purse out and offers to pay again . Even though money is tight, he still wants spending money and wants to take it from the monthly budget.
He is a complete and utter cock, he has mummy on one side and a strong woman in you looking after him, so he can be a weak and snivelling child with you both enabling him.
You need to put you and your child needs before that sad sack, I’d toss him back to mummy as he’s no man.

Point being let him go. Stop trying to prevent him. You can't tell his mam what to do with her money anyway so that's a pointless line of enquiry.

See what he does off his own bat.

If he chooses to do as he pleases after everything, make a decision about the future with full awareness of his priorities and empathy for you and the impact this period has had on you.

If the event is important, he has the funds (mummy but that's their business), and he takes some accountability for the DC and considers you whilst away, that may be a bit different from just fucking off (say arranging family childcare and letting you have a reciprocal break plus seeing it through).

If it's everyone else wiping his arse again, you know where you stand. Might as well be clear eyed about that. Don't force the issue.

You can't force this man into a mould. You'll have to see and accept who/ what he is one way or another and decide if that's good enough for you sooner or later.

I'm sorry, what the actual fuck??

I would explain to him that it is his choice but the choice he makes will have a lasting impact on your future.

he should be grovelling and making the decision not to go himself as it’s out of the question- the worst thing he could so imho

You owe him nothing.

He owes you the decency to not run up anymore debt. Bare minimum.

What does he bring to the table? What do you love about him?

Yes! He’s already disrespecting you within a few weeks, yes 2weeks of returing. This should be his ‘trying hardest to please you’ period.

Also, from the simple fact that he ruined your wedding and now what’s to celebrate someone else’s makes him a massive inconsiderate pig.

Why are you marrying him?

I’m sorry OP but if we was serious about making amends he’d be hunkering down (like you are) saving money and being grateful you’re giving him another chance. Not taking handouts from his mum and calling you spiteful.

YABU and as enabling as you say his mother is.
WTH did you take him back? He's barely recovered.

Yes!

WTF - you actually are STILL with someone like this?! Why?