For stopping my partner going to his friends wedding

I don't understand your post or why you quoted me.
Why not quote every other unanimous reply to the thread that says marrying a drug addict would not be a good idea? My post was not sarcastic and I resent you making up that it was.

just started to read the thread but felt the need to comment on this.

You owe him the sum total of fuck all. If he was in any way bothered about his MH he would have sought help from his Dr not the local drug dealer. You have missed out on things (such as the hen weekend and I suspect many other good times), whilst he just carried on living his life with no thought as to how it impacts you. You deserve better than that...raise your bar.

OP, if you don’t have separate bank accounts now is the time. Don’t let him access any of your money for this holiday, let him support himself whilst away. And absolutely do not marry a man who isn’t there supporting you and your family and helping get out of debt. Debt he created.

Seriously?!

I agree with PP that you are operating under a sunk cost fallacy. You've invested so much time and money that you feel you need to stick with him, but you will just keep sinking more money and effort into a bottomless pit if you stay with him.

Extricate yourself from any financial ties you currently have with him @YourOlivePoster . What is your housing situation? The worst thing you could do for your future and your daughter's is to legally tie yourself to him by marriage.

I would make it very clear to both him and his mum, that you will have no part in 'repaying' your partner's 'debt' to his mum. How does she think she is helping by getting him into further debt for a totally non essential expense, when he has a child to be housed and fed and clothed!

You don't have to stay with someone just because they are a good person, OP. (This was one of the most important things I ever learnt.)

I'd let him go on this wedding and let the consequences roll out on their own.

You owe him absolutely nothing. He however owes you big time

I understand mental health issues, but not drugs. Not throwing money away on himself whilst you’re still digging yourself out of a financial mess that he’s caused. If he goes, he should go straight back to his mums and let you start living your life.

This is a safeguarding issue for your child.

Look at ALL the expert advice that highlights the fact that children who are subjected to parents with drug/alcohol abuse habits are AT RISK.

If you continue to inflict this man (and his enabling mother) on your poor child, she will suffer.

He may be a lovely dad - that's not the point. His substance abuse and the fact he has one female facilitator ladling out money and another continuing to give him house room and excuses are giant red flags for her welfare and wellbeing. And for her view of relationships, of men and of what women and children are expected to endure.

Time to do your duty.

https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/safeguarding-children-affected-by-parental-alcohol-and-drug-use/safeguarding-and-promoting-the-welfare-of-children-affected-by-parental-alcohol-and-drug-use-a-guide-for-local-authorities

There is no way I would ever consider marrying a man who has drug and alcohol issues and who has put me in financial straits without stepping up to resolve it. He is not a ‘good’ man - he is a selfish, self-absorbed addict who will only get worse as you enable him. I would be kicking him out and not allow him back until or unless he sorted himself out (and I’m not seeing that he has made a genuine effort to do this).

Am also inferring, as you mention his being away in term time and leaving everything to you (assume you are not just referring to your job?), that you have kids? In which case double reason to kick him out.

I can’t understand why you would want to marry this bloke.

Have you had any therapy to unpick why your self esteem is this low? I think that would be a good place to start.

I beg to differ, @Tandora

a judgy, sarcastic dig at OP herself for the crime of trying to build a life with a less than perfect man. So , yeh, typical mumsnet

what posters on mumsnet are brilliant at is pointing out the unvarnished truth that the OP is selling herself very very short being with a waste of space, and the thought that she should set herself up for failure doing all the heavy lifting "trying to build a life" with him while he obviously couldn't give a shit is just living in cloud cuckoo land.

Er to be clear I think OP’s DP is a selfish arse and I have every sympathy for OP.

I just find it ridiculous that comment 2- rather than offering OP (who is clearly NBU) some constructive advice or support - was a judgy, sarcastic dig at OP herself for the crime of trying to build a life with a less than perfect man. So , yeh, typical mumsnet,

He needs a 12 step programme such as AA or NA - they are actually free - his mummy is part of the problem sadly - he's an addict sadly and he needs to get to the root of his issues. Look after yourself and don't let him continue with part time work for too much longer - I hope he's pulling his weight at home.

He’s the one with the ‘trying’ to do. Is this really what you want to be involved in for the rest of your life? Run.

No, oh apologist for a selfish drug addict who chose to bring children into the world. Why do they get to continue being a man child swanning around on social jollies while the OP has the day to day stress and mental load of bringing money into the household to ensure their child is clothed fed and roof over their head, get to school and home stability. There are millions of people across the country living with the selfish choices of others, where do they fit in this equation other than suffering the impact..

my aunt married a guy who was an alcoholic, they were married for years, her life was hell and he isolated her , she works all hours and he works if he could be arsed. She had every excuse for him under the sun, he died and she is a bitter, twisted old woman due to the hurt, emotional and physical abuse.

my sibling is an alcoholic, his adult children no longer speak to them due to the abuse, they don’t speak to their other parent either because they put the alcoholic parent before them.

most of the family and either no contact or low contact.

please don’t let this happen to you.

Oh mumsnet

I can't understand why you would even consider having this waste of space in your life anymore. He brings you nothing but grief. He contributes nothing to your happiness, nor to the family finances and how can he possibly be a role model for your DC.

He's utterly feral and being enabled by his mother, who has paid off all his debts so he's never going to be an adult with her around. And now after all he's done, hes sulking because you don't want him to swan off on a jolly with his mates. Give me strength!

It's tough, but if you love him, the best thing you can do for him is to let him go.

yes, reward the addict's appalling selfish behaviour, that'll help 👍

Also, don’t marry him. Do not tie your finances to this selfish addict. You have a child to care for.

I think get rid of him from your life.
i can’t see any good from what you’ve written in your post. You’re giving giving giving op and he is nowhere near matching you in effort or in desire to repair or nurture the relationship. He’s got a problem with drugs - I’d go no contact and I’d not let him have any presence in your child’s life. There’s nothing good there for your child; only dire influence and a higher chance of a crappy future; undermining your hard work as a parent. I wondered why you chose this person as a partner/father for a child because there’s deep fundamental issues here. Honestly I think save yourself and your dc years of anguish and move on from him in your life. X

Oh OP, this is rough.

He may be clean/dry now, but he hasn't changed yet. He's still using others (his mother's money, your patience) to fulfill his own desires. It's standard addict behavior.

Until he takes responsibility for himself and his family, and learns to put you first, his mindset hasn't changed. Addicts are inherently selfish and until they've dealt with that, they're always one step away from being back to square one.

It's tough, but if you love him, the best thing you can do for him is to let him go.

Reconsider marrying this fellow.
Take that decision slowly.

Inform his mother that he already is paying off drug debts of 15,000 and her giving him money is enebling him not to pay off debt. Inform mother to only give him as much as she can afford to give as a gift, in all likelihood he won't repay it.

If it can be afforded the wedding will be great - you should get a babysitter and go as well. If you mean to try again, going to Greece together could be a reward for getting off the drugs.

Will he have access to drugs on his Greece trip?
It could end up being a fast way to tell if he's really off them.

.

You need to leave him

Presumably he is clean or in recovery as she used past tense. Addiction is easier than you think, judgement doesn’t help.

He “had” a problem with drugs, presumably he’s clean now or in recovery.

his behaviour has been awful otherwise but I hate the judgment on addicts.