Husband too defensive of SIL

Sounds like there is a pair of ye in it!!
Ye have nothing in common except ye are married to brothers. Your DH treats her like a sister because she was in his life for years before you met him. I only see a clash of personalities ,she is being playful/bitchy with and you are taking it WAY too seriously.

You don’t have to compete or take things so personally! Why do you care so much? Are you actually jealous because her marriage is happy and yours is not?

Same. I would find it odd if my husband sent me flowers after I had our baby. There was so much more to think about when we had a newborn in the house, I did not need flowers. It makes far more sense to send flowers to a family member or friend.

Marriage counselling might help your dh see reason. You've mentioned a couple of times that he's tried to draw a line, but failed. He seems enmeshed/brainwashed.

That's the only thing I can thonk of other than to end it, as I doubt he'll spontaneously change. Horrible situation for you.

Im not sure what you’re looking for. Clearly at this point you need to live with it or walk away from it. It’s not going to change.

It's unusual when your own wife is suffering early complications during pregnancy. I wouldn't be wasting any more time on him or his family.
Tell him to go live with his brother and his wife if she's so wonderful while you find a man who deserves you.

Did you read the OP?

I think you sound jealous. My family see my husband as family we’ve been together a long time and if my sisters new husband started slagging him off im sure she would stick up for my husband aswell. You’re basically saying you hate her because your husband likes her. 😂

Apart from the fact that your DH fancies the pants of his SIL, this is generally a very weird family dynamic. What sort of bloke wants to hear a blow by blow account when a woman, not his wife, is in labour. Why is he expected to rush to her aid when she has a perfectly capable husband of her own, and is financially secure. As I said, he obviously wants to get in her knickers but the whole thing sounds fucking bonkers. Personally, I couldn't live like this.

How easy would it be to avoid all contact with her? Are all family gatherings big get togethers with her included, or could you just go along when it's only your own family visiting the in laws? Or you could just step back from the whole thing and let DH go. If you're not there, she can't make digs at you.

The other question is how much this taints your own family time. Would your DH let you and his child down if SIL clicked her fingers? That's a bigger issue for me and would lead me to think splitting is the only way forward.

Where are your family?
how old are you all - as Mil ages dynamics might change.
why do you live so near.
i would say get your own life separate from this bunch
tell DH you don’t want to hear updates on SIL/bil
Start your own fun life, start your own interests, more time with DCs, new hobbies, make sure you are secure financially
why are you seeing so much of her?

If you are still struggling with your marriage consider divorce - they won’t change -you have to -nothing would annoy her more than to see you happy and successful.

How does she react to your child?

Did your bil send you flowers after you gave birth?

This woman may be awful, but its important to remember, your husband's (frankly weird) behaviour is all on him. No matter how much she enjoys and encourages his attention, a man with healthy feelings towards his brothers wife would not act this way. The whole dynamic between the brothers is off, with his brother seemingly enjoying having a wife your husband is also in love with. I'm really not sure there's much hope in this situation as I genuinely can't see what would change things. Yourbhusband has accepted the role of fawning unrequited lover and played it for many years, prioritising it over you. You could issue an ultimatum whereby he distances himself or you leave, but frankly, I'd have my bags ready, because I doubt he'll comply.

Does your OH tend to do what his brother tells him also? Because that might be the key dynamic here and SiL more of a symptom.

If he’s known her 10 years before you got married she IS going to be his family - sounds like they knew each other from very young? Me and my husband have been together since we were 20, and his sister and her husband got together at the same time so we’ve all grown up together and gone through so many life stages and events - BIL and I are family in a way my husband’s other siblings partners who are all much newer just aren’t. It’s hard for them sometimes I think, and I am conscious of it, but it’s impossible to avoid.

Yes OP, it’s clearly a shit situation and the majority of posters agree that YANBU.

However, as plenty of posters have already pointed out, he was like this BEFORE you married him and went and had a child together.

Did you honestly think he’d suddenly wake up one day and completely change his personality and centre you instead of her?

Surely you must see that there’s absolutely nothing you can do that will change this situation to one where you feel completely loved and cherished by your DH.

You could try issuing ultimatums, leaving him for a few weeks etc. but I doubt that will have any lasting effect because his behaviours are deeply ingrained in his psyche.

The only thing you have the power to change is yourself.

Do you want to live the rest of your life in her shadow or are you strong enough to get out of this relationship and go it alone (which you are probably already doing to an extent)?

If you were my best friend, I’d be helping you make plans to leave. Despite what the movies tell you, wishing hard enough for something won’t make it happen, and do you really want to look back in 10/20 years and realise that you’ve wasted your life with a man who isn’t worthy of you?

DH didn’t get me flowers after either of our children being born. I would have found it odd. I wanted practical help not gifts!

I feel your pain. My BIL wife is the chief wife in DH family, but luckily DH isn’t under her thrall. She’s an expert at the sly digs, but I’ve learnt to a) not trust her and b) not let her get under my skin. His family don’t like me (there are cultural differences at play here, as I’m not from their country), but I don’t care and just ignore them all.

We too have to spend the larger holidays such as Christmas and Easter with her family, and her extended family such as her SIL’s parents. Luckily we don’t live in their country, so it’s not a constant thing.

She sounds annoying for sure, but considering some of these examples are pretty innocuous and you say you hate her, I’m sure she knows that and reacts / treats you accordingly.

Hmm. It sounds like your DH has known his SIL for a long time and loves her like family. Without some better examples, I’m not seeing evidence that he’s in love with her.

I think you are well within your rights to not want to see her or spend time with her, and I think it’s fair to tell your DH this. What I’m not sensing from your posts is if you are actually in love with your own DH yourself? Do you want to be with him? If you do, I think you’ll need to accept that she is his family… and unless she’s done something unforgivable to you, I can’t see how you can force him to shun her. Personally I think that would be pretty messed up on your part.

Do you actually WANT the marriage to continue?

It doesn't sound like you and your husband are happy, although with the possible exception 1 or 2 contrarians on this thread, I struggle to imagine who he WOULD be happy with other than his SiL.

Well, they're on no speaks with just about everyone on both sides, aren't they?

Can't imagine Interflora is run off its feet with orders for them.

Definitely this. Why on earth did you marry into this mess. It is odd. He showed you where his priorities were. His brother must cringe.

Hi OP

It might be helpful if you could give examples of some of the things she has said

Either way, if his family were unaware of how she treats you...did you ever try and raise it with her in any way?