If your child gets a detention at school, do you punish at home too?

Mine havent had detentions but there has been minor issues at school from time to time. I don’t punish at home, obviously if it was something major like fighting/bullying etc I would but think it’s better for children to see school and home as separate. Often school can be stressful enough ideally home is an escape from that.

Mine has never had a detention but she did get a bad lesson note this week because one of her classmates left to go to the loo and while he was gone someone else locked him out, and she just watched him stuck out there instead of unlocking the door and letting him in (and probably laughed, though that wasn't mentioned). I just couldn't tell her off because I know I would have done the same at her age, and the boy wasn't bothered at all, he was grinning while the rest got told off.
She did apologise to him, which is important.

These days they notify parents of every minor misdemeanour via an app...

Here they lose screen time and have to write the teacher an email apology. Bonus is my one naughty child can now at least write a properly formatted email

So 5 warnings... i would be giving a consequence of no phone that evening. The consequence is immediate, impactful, and isn't dragged on forever. You support the school, your son learns there are expectations at his job that he needs to meet, and that you expect him to meet the minimum expectations. I think you're right.

Because my mum micromanaged everything to do with school, and made a big song and dance if I didn’t do well, I didn’t tell her things. I lied and covered things up, such as detentions, because I was afraid of her reaction, and I got into even more trouble later. So punishing a second time can reduce communication.

Unfortunately, legally there's no way for them to avoid school.

It's a prison we force them all into because we need someone to babysit them whilst we work for the system. So there's no incentive to respect the rights of children which should be the same as everyone's - not to be forced to be anywhere they don't wish to be.

You cannot argue education is the compensation unless it is chosen by the individual.

It is an ongoing generational system of abuse.

Once you can read, you can educate yourself on everything else. And classes should be optional for people of all ages. But currently we do not allow for that system wise.

I would never have children because I do not agree with perpetuating the cycle of abuse and indoctrination. But if I did, I would either home school or, encourage them to go but keep their head down and try to be decent to people - but not be forced to do anything the don't want to do besides actually being there. Fuck the system.
It's wrong and the only reason we allow it is to make our own lives easier. It needs completely overhauled and we need to stop forcing children into these hell holes. At best, they are not condusive to education. At worst, they are oppressive and dangerous.

Many of us have betrayed our childhood selves. We feel because we had it tough, our children should go through the same. And the cycle of abuse continues.

This stuff is a massive pain in the arse. Teachers don't get paid for their lunch break but usually work through it in their classrooms. If they can hear kids messing around like this on corridors they shouldn't be on and have to get up and deal with it multiple times, it's actually really out of order. Would he squirt water in the cinema, leisure centre, on public transport or in maccies or wherever he goes with his mates and expect no consequences?

Have a talk about it. Punishment achieves nothing.

My son got detention for punching a boy who punched him first and the boy in question had also just woken up the boy who sat next to my son on the bus by punching him.

We informed the school that our son had done the right thing. That they were free to give him one single detention but if the boy who had started it all didn't get a substantially larger punishment we would be very displeased.

"But but but the children are not allowed to hit!" We called BS. Said that they knew very well that boys who didn't hit back would become punching bags. We were then informed that the boy who started it all would get a whole week's detention. I doubt that would have happened if we hadn't made the demand that he was punished more.

No, we effing didn't punish our son at home. We praised him.

No, we never did. However there was always a conversation about what happened and what they could do to stop it happening again. We never had repeat detentions but if that's happening then you really need to look deeper into what's going on. Just dishing out further punishment isn't going to help.

Five is quite a lot of opportunity to change his behaviour before a detention is issued. It means he thinks he’s above the rules really. If it was a one off I wouldn’t punish him but when this becomes a pattern of behaviour then sanctions are also needed at home. Students need to see home and school working together and singing from the same hymn sheet. Behaviour would be so much better in schools if students knew there were consequences at home too for persistent and consistent poor manners and behaviour.

True, but school days are long, and at uni, there's a lot of free time for homework/study. My son doesn't do much at home as he is exhausted from his school day.

So, what’s the answer to my question?

You’re part of the problem in schools. You may think you’re doing your child a favour but you’re not.

they've been punished so I wouldn't punish at home but try to gt to the bottom of whats going on- perhaps a chat with school about what they are doing as the detention isn't working

No. We will discuss the detention, talk about what they could do differently next time. Put it to bed. I’m lucky though and my son has only had a couple and they have been from accumulating 3 sanctions (3 sanctions = detention).

“Screaming in his face.” This is a great story, but next time it needs a more exciting event.

Mmmm your child will do well in life then…….

Depends on the misdemeanour.
Forgetting a pencil/ talking in class/ wrong clothes/isolated and minor playing the fool behaviour- no

Bullying/ damaging property/fighting/ truanting or skipping classes/verbal or physical abuse of staff/ racism, homophobia etc/ being repeatedly and seriously disruptive/ - yes, there would be a serious talk and consequences at home as well as at school. If relevant they’d be made to apologise, pay for damage, that sort of thing.

Um, your kid doesn't get paid to go to school either. Commending for 'not bowing to the pressure'? How silly. Homework is normal 😂

I assume you think your DC won't go to uni or do any further study in their life past school? Because there's lots of 'homework' there too

It's about making sure his behaviour is reasonable at school and he is following the rules. Some things look petty and unimportant, but if the teacher is dealing with loads of these every day from different pupils then obviously they want them to stop.
As you say, taking his phone away has had an effect - so he can do the right thing, he just needs to remember and know that you want him to x

Yes we follow through at home - why wouldn't you? So no treats that week, removal of gaming time etc. At the end of the day they have to learn to follow rules and understand consequences even if I personally think some of a rules are a bit silly.

Detentions are to try to teach your DC more appropriate behaviour.

If he's not learning from that alone, then you need to do something about that.

Don't make excuses or minimise his poor behaviour

For homework, no. I'd probably commend him for not bowing to pressure tbh. Why should he do work at home in his own time? He's not being paid for it. Do you do unpaid work?

The rest, it depends. It's hard to know what he's being repremanded for. If he was being nasty to his classmates or teachers then fair enough, he probably derserves the detention. But the detention is the punishment.

Rather than punishing, I'd expect to be able to sit and chat with my child and hear their side and ask them how they can change things from their side in future so as not to wind up in the same predicament.

Conversation about morality etc should be ongoing too. But I think these dynamics needs to be set at a young age and may be difficult to establish now.