I've messed up with 3 year old

I doubt there is a parent out there who hasn't shouted at their child. What's done is done OP, you need to look forward and try and mitigate how much the crying and whinging gets to you. My little one does this ear drum bursting, whinging screech, it's like a dagger in brain. I've actually bought loop earplugs to wear constantly as it's like constant nails down a chalkboard. It does help a little.

My 3 year old is similar. I don’t mean to sound patronising or anything, especially if you work with kiddos as a profession but I read a book that really helped us, it’s called ‘how to talk so little kids listen.’ The change has been huge for us! A lot of the tantrums, protesting etc are now averted using the techniques and there is much less shouting in the house. I used traditional reward charts etc before, now I use none of that and it works much better for us.

Repair with you child for shouting this morning and try to be kind to yourself too, it sounds relentless. If you can, grab some time for yourself, you’ll be more refreshed/happier and able to have more patience ❤️

Try reading there's no such thing as naughty by kate Silverton. Found her book for older children really helpful for understanding my youngsters.....

She's three years old you don't need to discipline her for crying, crying in itself isn't bad behavior it's just an expression of emotion. Have you tried just surprising her and being silly when she cries? Fastest way to snap my little one out of it - just get in front of her and do something totally random (ideas: pretend your hand suddenly has a mind of it's own and keeps running off and you're trying to stop it; pretend you genuinely believe she's turned into a cabbage and keep asking her why she's a talking cabbage; fall over and tell her you've forgotten how to walk and she needs to teach you - just anything totally mad that will initially confuse her, then make her laugh and get her to forget the sads). She just sounds tired and in need of connection and getting cross is only going to make her cry more.

Sounds like you’re being too tough with her. I’m all for appropriate discipline but is there enough fun between you both? She’s craving positive attention from you, not constant discipline and correction. If you’re being a misery, she’ll also be a misery. Lighten up a bit and I bet she will too.

Most of the advice on this thread is good apart from this one who suggests shouting at 3 yo is a good idea. But yes you’ve had some really good replies on the whole

Of course three year olds can understand consequences.
When you pick her up from nursery go down to her eye level and say.. We are going to the car. If you scream and cry like a naughty girl you can not have an ice pole and play in the garden this afternoon.
If she plays up then stick to the consequence. This way of parenting becomes nearly impossible though if you have a husband who undermines everything you put in place.
You do need to get your own reactions fixed though, you can’t scream and shout at a three year old.
Boundaries make children feel safe, she needs to understand you are in charge and have expectations on her behaviour.
The example I’ve given about the ice pole and garden have always worked for my kids, she’ll be bored for a few afternoons (don’t swap taking playing in the garden with another fun activity obviously) and it will sink in that she has more fun before and after nursery if she stops throwing tantrums all the time.
She’ll be at school next year so is best to try and fix it now.

My child is more likely to behave like this if they are tired, hungry, or I haven't been able to give them the attention they need. Or all three. So I try and provide dinner earlier now, and sit with them after preschool to do something quiet together, like reading / drawing / board game / TV.

I lost my rag once when they were nearly three and so regret it, because in hindsight they were just wanting to be near me and had developed some separation anxiety.

I do tell them off for whinging though. And expect an apology for hitting.

I highly recommend parenting classes. They are free. Contact your local family hub. Don’t knock it until you’ve tried it. I’ve recently looked into enrolling on the teen version, as I had so much success with the normal one. It’s all research backed methods. It’s excellent .

I think shouting was perfectly fine to be honest. She's getting away with being physically violent. I would stop visits to the ILs for the time being until her behaviour is under control and they agree to stop undermining you.

The replies on here are absolutely typical and I'm not surprised there's a crisis amongst children's behaviour.

I wish my mum had been like you. You sound lovely.

She’s just testing the boundaries. I don’t think it goes any deeper than that. She’s pushing to see what she can get away with. 3 year olds are bloody hard work. Mine was a nightmare from 3-4 years and yes there were many times I really didn’t like him very much!
But, if you can be consistent and firm and try your absolute best not to get really exasperated and angry with her, she will come good in the end. Mine is now 10 and an absolute pleasure most of the time. But back then, ugh he was very trying indeed.

I discipline her

What do you think “discipline” means?

(It actually means “to learn”. Does everyone learn in the same way? Why would you expect this child to be the same as other children? Why aren’t you considering that this child needs a different kind of parenting rather than being forced into the child you think she should be?)

I’m a therapist. Call me in 15 years or so.

Yeah i don't think it definitely means they haven't been okay there. I have a nephew who cries and whinges whenever he sees his mum out of pure habit. He does that and it makes her go into this mode where she just gives him anything he wants, there's not even tears most of the time, it's just a constant noise. He doesnt do it with us at all. He starts as soon as he sees her and wants to revert to that mode where there are no expectations on his behaviour or conduct and he doesnt have to communicate to get anything he wants.

What we do is ignore him, do things he will want to join in with and prevent him unless he talks to us properly. Now he doesnt even bother with it. He switches it off when he's with us alone, and back on when he sees his mum.

3 year olds can be testing.

But it might be worth considering your approach.

You can be strict and hold a strong line on behaviour without shouting and without being “sharp” with her.

If she cries everyday coming out of nursery think how you could avoid that. Or what the reason might be. Is she overwhelmed with tiredness, excitement to see Mummy, is she hungry or overstimulated?

Could you change the record if you picked her up at nursery gave her a big excited hug and said how much you’d missed her during the day? What if you said “I have a lovely snack for you in the car, can you walk really nicely” or if you made a game of doing silly walks to the car?

She came downstairs crying for “no reason” but it won’t have been no reason, it might just not have been a logical adult reason.

What if you had tried, what’s wrong? Where has my smiley girl gone? Do you need a big hug?

Bed time and bath time can be difficult transitions. Try giving her some choices, which bubbles shall we use, which PJs? Go and choose some bath toys. Go and pick a dress for tomorrow, or socks or a hair band or what ever. Sing a song, make it fun. Give her time warnings like “five more minutes and then lovely bath time’”

Strict doesn’t mean shouty. It doesn’t always mean punishments.

You shouldn’t give into tantrums but I never found a tantrum reduced by yelling. Better managed by saying “I’m not going to change my mind, but let’s have a hug and read a book/dance in the kitchen, you choose the music etc”

Hitting and pushing. Remind her it hurts other people, ask her how she would feel if someone hit her. Remind her her sister won’t want to play with someone who hurts her. Encourage empathy. And never ever allow hitting or push in to be rewarded with what ever she wants. And tell her that “I love you but I won’t fix you hair if you hit me” etc

She’s 3 she needs help managing her big emotions. Calmness, consistency and reason are more effective than shouting.

Is she crying sad upset poor me tears or angry 3 year old tantrum tears? I’ve only really experienced the latter on a daily basis so would generally sympathise with the former and love bomb as past poster has said. But if it’s the former consistently I can see that being quite draining.

she is only 3 though and you’ve made a small slip I wouldn’t stress too much about it. But if you’re struggling try to get some help. Is there support at nursery to help you unpick behaviours and give you a standard response to try to be consistent?

But crying isn’t poor behaviour! Hitting is but it sounds like the OP isn’t responding appropriately to the child’s distress and is esculating the situatiom.

When a child cries as soon as they leave a place they haven’t been OK there. They’ve been holding their emotions in until their in a safe place to express them.

OP, you can sort this. Apologise to your child. Get some ear loops for yourself. Find out why things are difficult for your child eg hair brushing, use a soft brush and a detangler spray, make sure you’re calm first.

Research zone of regulation, if clothes are an issue look at soft and seamless ones, use visual timestables and menu choices.

Your child isn’t giving you a difficult time, they’re having a difficult time and it’s your and her father’s job to help.

I think your daughter's behaviour is a cry for your attention. She isn't naughty or difficult and your in laws haven't spiked her or ruined her she just needs some attention from you and this is her way of showing it.

Three year olds are difficult, they are trying to be independent but they can't be. she won't be able to control her emotions so she is frustrated and lashing out. She isn't your earlier children so don't compare her with them.
And the naughty step doesn't work, all it will do is make her feel even more upset and rejected.

Have you tried saying yes more and no not as much?

It's hard when you have a child who fights everything. My DD is like this some days. It seems the thinking step etc isn't working for your DD or you and it's leaving you both unhappy which isn't what you want. Does redirection work? Or sometimes with my DD, she just needs a moment to completely melt down after being told no so I let her and then offer her a cuddle which usually works. You obviously love and care for your daughter and toddlers are very hard.

Changing the way you think might help, instead of thinking you need to discipline her, think you need to teach her to regulate her emotions and be kind, think about what triggers her and what makes her feel safe and secure.

Look up restraint collapse - it's why these behaviours come out with you, as her safe space.