I've messed up with 3 year old

You did mess up, but everyone does. Don’t let people on MN convince you they’ve never shouted at their child and that you’re a bad parent, everyone snaps.

You’ve already got loads of really good practical advice here, but one thing I will say is maybe try a parenting class? I was fuming when my mum suggested I go to one because it felt like she was saying I don’t know how to parent, but we went and it was really helpful. I think we were already parenting pretty well, but the class actually helped me understand why you do certain things. I think people think (I was guilty of this) classes are just for people who are bad parents, but I think everyone should take them now.

I have a three year old too. I understand you are frustrated.

but you’re turning everything into a battle. You’re not going to break her and she’ll finally start complying. That’s old school discipline and it just does not work on some children. Yes, it will work on others- they’ll be afraid of there parents and just do as their told, but some just won’t and you’ll never ‘ break her ‘.

my son is like your DD and my older DD who’s now 5, was also very similar. Tantrums ALL the time. Refusing to get dressed, running off, refusing to brush teeth- running away, not walking to the car, constant tantrums. BOTH my kids are / were like this.

hard arse discipline doesn’t work with these kids. My brother was like this too. My parents shouted, hit etc. it only made his behaviour worse.

you know what does work for kids like this ? TIME and patience and understanding.

Rewarding good behaviour, rather than focusing on the bad all the time. Ignoring bad behaviour sometimes and just distracting them. Stoping the power struggle. Preempting when the power struggle will start. Preempting bad behaviour - giving them choices.

for example if she doesn’t want to walk back to the car after nursery - you try telling her that if she walks back nicely - she can have a start or a treat or whatever it is. Or you race her back to the car / or you bring her scooter so she can scoot, anything to stop the current routine and power struggle that ensues.

getting dressed in the morning - make it a reward or a fun activity - give her choices of outfits - or order of how she will get dressed - shoes first or jumper first ?

I know I don’t have all the answers here, but you cannot continue to battle every little thing out with her in my opinion.

it’s a stage. She will change and she will grow out of it.

they also do it for attention- yes, even negative attention, is still attention.

I speak from experience. My DD is 5 now and she’s pretty well behaved and she was an absolute nightmare at 3 ( like my son is now). They grow out of it as they mature. It doesn’t mean she’s a bad kid or will grow up to be a bad kid. I bet if you weren’t so combative, she’d stop hitting etc.

good luck

Repeated post due to system glitch

Op, have you heard of an emotions chart? It has happy, sad, angry faces on; the children point to how they're feeling. It then has techniques underneath of how to make them (and you consequently, feel better). It has worked really well for my youngest.
They don't emotionally regulate until much later, sometimes they don't even know why they're upset! We all lose it occasionally, it is demanding having young dcs. This shows you are human, you know it isn't productive hence creating this thread. You need support, not criticism.
It is our job as parents to help the child label how they're feeling, and then try techniques to deal with those strong emotions. They cannot voice it at this age.

You need The New Learning Centre:

tnlc.info/

After six months of properly following their advice you really will have a calmer, happier family for decades to come.

I'm older, but can remember losing it a couple of times with mine. I think this is more likely when we feel we are in a battle with children and then we easily feel angry or humiliated. Parents probably feel the latter more often than is discussed, especially those who have had difficult childhoods themselves. We can lash out if we feel disrespected & manipulated, even by a very small person. Feeling like you are failing as a parent again and again is a recipe for humiliation-rage cycles which can then make a child feel less secure and..... Alternatively, if you live a very goal oriented and pressured life you might be feeling heightened anger that your DC's behaviour is getting in the way of what needs to be done in a short amount of time.

When your DC is resisting you or finding it hard to regulate her emotions, it might be helpful to try and imagine yourself as some kind of wise, kind, serene, god-like figure (seriously!) who does not get drawn into personal battles with little humans who can't help themselves but calmly reinforces boundaries without emotion. I'd also try to anticipate flash points by using distraction, allowing plenty of extra time and getting yourself into the right headspace beforehand. Alongside this, I'd prioritise as much shared fun with her as you can fit into a very busy life.

A mantra that helped me get through tricky times with children was ' this too shall pass'. She's unlikely to be doing this for ever (we hope!)

PS she's lucky to have a mum that cares enough about having shouted to post here.

Why would anyone want to discipline a 3yo child for crying. This is a disordered approach and damaging. There is a reason for crying and it's not to manipulate you. There is a need behind. Maybe see if you can work up more compassion. Fix yourself first. What happens if you speak to her and mirror possible emotions, console her, hug her. Boundaries are not for crying unless you want to raise a child that will remain emotionally immature.

Agree?? Spitting and hitting are NOT okay and do not deserve silliness and laughter as a form of discipline. I was loved but also disciplined hard if I was to behave like that and I'm perfectly fine and love my parents.

OP, I think a lot of people have been unfair here. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate and are really overwhelmed. I’ve shouted too on occasion and feel awful afterwards, and although shouting all the time isn’t okay it’s a very human response to feeling stressed.

I have similar issues with my 3 y/o - beautifully behaved for everyone else but can be an absolute misery with me and throws tantrums over anything and everything (e.g. if I put her socks down in the wrong place, don’t give her the exact right amount of milk requested etc…). I think she just lets all her emotions out with me as it’s where she feels most comfortable doing so, sounds like it may be similar to with your DD especially if it’s happening around transitions like finishing nursery. I’ve tried similar discipline methods but the only thing I’ve found helps is slowing everything down (getting up way earlier, starting bedtime way earlier so it doesn’t feel like routines are being rushed) and involving DD in EVERYTHING (helping with washing, helping cook, helping find my shoes when we go out etc…) which isn’t ideal but has led to less whinging! I’m also reading ‘the highly sensitive child’ which has been pretty insightful so far.

From what you say, you’re effectively solo parenting during work days. If DH has time for the gym before work, can he get DD up and dressed/brush teeth/do breakfast to give you some respite from the incessant moaning? Or are you able to disappear for some alone/social time during the weekends (even if it’s studying from a coffee shop with some cake!) to recharge your batteries?

What a load of rubbish 🤣🤣

this is why we have these bratty kids today! She’s 3.5yo so the hitting, spitting and bad behaviour does need to be disciplined. Seems like she is spoilt and has learnt that everyone else panders to her, yet you discipline and she doesn’t like it.
well you continue to do that because she will learn very bad habits and difficult as she grows.

Surprised by these replies, you are completely in the right to tell off your child for spitting.

OP i do believe you need to find ways to make things light hearted and silly with her and find out why she's crying etc BUT my god a little shouting doesn't make you horrible the way some people on here are going on. Forgive yourself and you can hopefully move forward now and think of new techniques fkr dealing with her crying :)

Mumsnet can be tough. You don't sound like a bad mum to me. Children can be difficult, and they do need boundaries (and love). I've read through the posts, so I hope I haven't missed this, but I think this is the old Mumsnet classic of you have a DH problem. Where is he in all this? Swanning off to gym whilst you're trying to get everyone out the door on time? Coming home late after the stress of dinner and bathtime and bedtime is all done? And then critcising you? As other posters have said, you need more help, and DH should step up.

Oh OP, I was exactly where you are and it is so tough.

We suspected DD had ADHD, and it was confirmed but not for years. At the time it was hell on Earth - nothing was right, the screaming and tantrumming were almost constant, it was exhausting.

I think what needs to change is that you need more support. And, trite as it seems and hopelessly beyond reach as it will feel, time really does help - once DD got to about 8 or so it definitely improved.

I really feel for you. If it helps even a smidge, she's behaving worse with you because you're the one she trusts most. She doesn't kick off with other people because they may leave her. She knows you won't. It's small comfort when you're being the physical and emotional punchbag all the time though. Are you able to meet some other SN mums in the area, or get some counselling to work through your frustrations?

It can be draining when it seems like constant battles but if you can reframe the crying and meltdowns as bids for attention you can see it for what it is- just a little one who wants security from their most important person. Try offering hugs and speaking with them. Obviously letting them grizzle a bit is ok eg I can’t hold you right now, both my hands are busy. But meeting this head on is becoming a power struggle and you are the only adult! Your child is doing age appropriate stuff. Sendin them off to cry alone is not good for emotional regulation and their future. I’m not sure if at 3 they have the brain skills to understand a thinking step?

are you doing any fun stuff? Eg stop chores in front of her do half hour to read books etc to have that connection. So they feel secure with you again

It doesn’t sound like your DH is supporting you or doing his fair share of parenting?

😂my thoughts exactly

Its bloomin hard- I have a 5 year old like this, just coming out of the worst of it, I think- it does get better.
Cut yourself some slack, sometimes things get on top of us and we shout- not great, but nobody is perfect..
BUT, I think other posters are right, kids can pick up on how exasperated we are making them feel and they begin to think they are too much for us. Connection and boundaries are the keys here,
The more I connect with my five year old they more her behaviour improves- so one on one time, hugs, asking her about her interests. When a tantrum starts- hold the boundary calmly, enforce consequences for bad behaviour and then immediately reconnect after- don't sulk or try and continue to punish the behaviour by your mood, that's done, reconnect by one of the above and move on.
It's hard but worth it. Xx

Whilst I see Mumsnet is absolutely obsessed with the topic, not EVERYTHING needs to be related back to trans people. Christ on a bike.

You are raising a child, so building her self esteem and confidence is really important. Not just an obedient robot.
Do you also shower her with love, cuddles, and praise her loads..?

I would focus on having a happy child, and forget these silly “punishments”. She is only tiny.
What does “spoiling “ mean anyway..? Raising someone who feels they deserve the world and can articulate their needs? Good for them.

https://themontessoriroom.com/blogs/montessori-tips/is-your-child-having-meltdowns-after-school-or-daycare-it-could-be-after-school-restraint-collapse?srsltid=AfmBOoo45ovH2mkk069z7As3GsovF5a_eT6um7fFAwL7k6OTqW1nlJBM

It's so hard OP. I have a 3yo and he's going through a a phase of lots of crying and lots of tantrums. It's hard to react in the right way all the time and you obviously know that shouting doesn't help.

It sounds like you are doing a lot which will make it harder for you to have patience and also hard for your DD because she has less of your attention.

It's hard to change patterns of behaviour when you are knackered but as the grown up you need to try and change the script between the two of you - you might find that in order to have the bandwidth to do that, you might need to lighten the load elsewhere. Good luck xx

I don't think your nephew is having a good time with you, ignoring him and preventing him from joining in is nasty. Your not meeting his emotional needs, I'm not surprised he is crying when he sees his mum, he's crying because he needs some emotional warmth from someone and he only does it when he sees his mum because he knows he won't get it from you. You should really reconsider your approach. If you were my child's aunt/uncle I wouldn't be leaving them with you, does she know your approach with him?

She shouted at her for crying, not for hitting.

I came here to say this. My DD was the same.

OP, rather than giving her expectations that she perhaps sees as demands, streamline her morning.
Make it as low stimulant as possible. Make a chart for her wardrobe with pictures of sun/cold weather and the appropriate outfit.
Hang the two outfits on her wardrobe.

Add to the chart of pictures such as washing her face, brushing her teeth.

Then when she is dressed and ready she comes downstairs for breakfast.

Stay with her for the process. Stay calm. Praise her for staying calm and completing each step.

Make it fun, my DD hated brushing her teeth so we found a brush your teeth song, the ting tings great DJ! The verse and chorus fitted with brushing front teeth and back teeth.

Getting her out of the house was difficult, I used to sing instead of talking as it makes ot light and puts you in a better frame of mind too.

Read Joanna Faber’s How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen, some excellent advice in there.