I've messed up with 3 year old

Honestly this is really upsetting to read. If my young child came to me crying my response would be empathy, not annoyance. And this is from someone who is really stressed by my young child’s cries - but as the adult I understand she needs compassion as well as discipline and I can honestly say I’ve never shouted at my toddler. Absolutely I may use a stern or louder voice, but never shouting or screaming at her.

From what you’ve described you’re not showing your daughter much kindness, warmth or guidance. I think you need professional help/support with your parenting. If I were your husband I would also be angry with you, sounds like your daughter deserves a lot better treatment from you.

I just want to say that maybe you didn't break the cycle as well as you hoped, but you're doing amazingly listening to all the different suggestions and taking on board what might work for you and DD. You clearly care a lot and are willing to put in the hard work on both yourself and your parenting to get it right for your children.

If she potentially has additional needs and is masking at nursery, is part of it just that she's functioning right at her limit (and so are you, with all you've got on)? If you can find little ways to make her life easier for her to cope with, that might help. Would it help to make things a bit simpler, a bit more repetitive for bit? Weekend trips to the (same) playpark, not big days out, and so on? Perhaps a conversation with nursery as well – a little extra support for her there might make a big difference.

OP doesn't do a naughty step, it's a thinking step and DD's nursery has a thinking area children go to if they have hit or hurt someone intentionally. You can give consequences for unkind behaviour. 3 year olds do have the capacity to understand hitting and spitting is not ok. OP also doesn't believe I shouting and feels guilty for doing it hence why she is here asking for advice. Children often challenge their most trusted caregiver most. So her daughter is not responding to poor treatment from OP, OP is the person she feels safest with.

OP, ignore unhelpful comments like this. I have a 3 year old who goes through phases of extreme moaning and tantrums when she doesn't get what she wants. I got the book 'how to talk so little kids will listen' and it really helped.

Look up Dr Martha, a clinical psychologist who has lots of free information on how to parent in a loving caring manner and to med children where they are. You recognise this isn’t working for either of you, so make a change. Parenting is tough, but naughty steps and telling her to go away aren’t the solution.

You’ve got a lot on your plate OP, and your 3 year old is fighting for attention, whether it’s good or not so good. I used to say ‘sorry, I don’t speak whinge, let’s sit down and then you can use words and I will listen’ You sound as if you’ve reached the end of your tether, so maybe something in your life has to be dropped in favour of giving that time to your littlest child.

I have a 3.5 year old. Crying can get a bit annoying by the end of the day but punishing for crying isn't going to help. She cries because she is having a hard time, you have to help her to find other ways to cope.

She isn't crying to piss you off. She doesn't want to be feeling like that anymore than you want her to be crying. It's not personal. She just doesn't know how to cope with the absolutely massive feelings that 3 year olds have about all kinds of minor things. It's developmentally normal. Rather than trying to stop the behaviour you don't like by punishing, try replacing it with a different behaviour that helps her to regulate herself.

We had an issue with throwing things when they felt angry, now we have a hug and some calm down breaths instead. Eventually it'll just be the breaths and he won't need me.

If an adult was crying, you wouldn't shout or send them off into the corner. You'd comfort them.

It sounds like you are having some difficulty with your own feelings when she crys. Modelling how to manage that without shouting or giving consequences/punishments out of annoyance or anger will also help her to behave as you would like her to.

It was me too. I promise I didn't mean it as a criticism. You've posted here so you clearly care. You can change. I would definitely recommend a parenting class as PPs have said or even some Instagram accounts directed at parenting. I've learnt loads from there.

It sounds like she has struggles with transitions too from what you've said.

It's hard to comment on your situation because we as parents, our children and our circumstances and all complex and unique. Noone is perfect, as long as your not shouting at your child consistently and prolonged then she'll be fine. You clearly care as it's weighing on your mind and you're asking for advice. Sometimes even 5 minutes of play at the start with them makes such a difference and stops you getting into that spiral or decline, where the children play up, then the parents gets stressed, then the children play up more etc etc.

Id gets some ear plugs to take the edge off the crying. Sometimes when I ask my child why she is crying she literally tells me she just wants a cuddle so I give her one. I also talk to them and it distracts them, even stupid stuff like "do you want to know what we're doing tomorrow? And she likes me just talking her through her daily routine 😂" although mine is nearly 3 so yours is a bit older, maybe that wouldn't work.

This will pass, continue to try your best. That is all you can do. You are only human.

Lots of mum bashing on here!
I noticed @Neitherherenorthere1 you said your oldest D probably gave up trying to get your attention, no it’s just she has a different personality to your 3 year old.
There is some good advice posted. You need to change your strategy to one that works for you and your youngest. Do you have any part of the day with her that you can play and be silly? Do you ask her what she did at nursery? When she gets upset or hits her sister, she needs to know it’s ok to feel her emotions but there is better ways to express it, like talking about it and how she makes people sad if she hits them.

You can hold firm boundaries and say no without constant disapline and shouting. 3 year olds learn a lot from watching their parents. If Mum is constantly shouting and unable to regulate her emotions, of course she isnt going to regulate her hers as you haven't taught her to. People on these threads always claim that gentle parenting is the problem. But genuine gentle parenting involves strict boundaries delivered respectfully. Shouty parents are generally lazy parents. If a DC is shouted at constantly, they will stop responding to requests thar aren't barked at them. And then they will struggle to break the cycle with their own children.

It's sounds like you might be both stuck in a cycle of behaviour. It can be very difficult to turn around , when the dc is crying/whatever abd you're constantly telling off. Try really hard to focus on the positives. Praise anything good. Understand that she is tired and cranky after nursery,and at an age where she is starting to try and find a bit of independence, and pushing back.

I totally understand you snapping, but try to model calm behaviour if you can. I remember being told not to tell dc to stop crying because they should be allowed to express their emotions. To me, it really depends what they're crying about.

at this age I ignore the crying with distraction. It sounds like you are in a crying angry pattern

Blimey, if you've messed up then I must mess up on a daily basis. My son is 3.5 years old and has regular tantrums and also occasionally hits me and his dad! That does sometimes result in us raising our voices because we are frustrated! Don't beat yourself up about it, please! You are only human, she will not have any lasting damage. I'm sure you are a very good mother or you wouldn't be worrying about the implications. It's easy for people to make judgements when they're not in the situation at the time.

Take care!

What would you do if your child was naughty, how would you respond to them if you don't believe in punishments?

You’re getting a tough time on here I think. None of us are proud for shouting at our kids but she will be fine.

My eldest DD has always struggled with regulating her emotions and sounds a lot like your DD in many ways. She is a lovely natured girl and only ever hits or kicks when she’s really upset but sometimes she needs a physical outlet.

So I used to tell her to go to the living room and hit the sofa or cushions, or find a teddy to throw on her bed. Then when she’s calmed down a bit, we have a cuddle and talk about what’s wrong. She’s now nearly six and she still has a physical reaction to her emotions sometimes, but it’s more stomping her feet or hitting the floor rather than kicking or hitting me.

A lot of posters are suggesting distraction which worked well with my second DD but my eldest wouldn’t have any of it.

It’s really hard OP. Be kind to yourself.

Oh ffs not the "you dont like her" bullshit. Only on mumsnet people say this in every other post.

Sorry for your struggles. Some children are much harder than others as little ones and people who haven’t had one don’t understand. My DS was similar to your DD and I found all the pre school years really tough. Some days I cried, didn’t want to collect him from nursery, wondered if he was autistic etc. My DH and I alternated getting up at 5am with him at weekends and he cried at every thing that didn’t suit him. He also tended to be angelic when out but terrible at home. It was exhausting. Once he started school things improved a lot although there were still some days he was good at school then cried all the way home.

One piece of advice I got from my mum was pick your battles. It’s ok to sometimes give in at this tender age. Discipline is more important when they are a bit older and understand more. It’s ok at home to say shall we all have a biscuit and watch tv. Or I like the PP who said surprise them being silly. Keep strict mum for when you need it. I still remember the time I marched him home from a restaurant under my arm, kicking and screaming all the way down the street in full on tantrum mode.

Finally remember this is a phase that will pass. My son was an easy teenager and is now an amazing young adult. Take a deep breath and believe that you will raise an amazing child.

Also very important - is she tired ? Is she hungry ? Is she under stimulated? Ask yourself these questions when she’s acting up.

Disciplining her when she is distressed won't work.

You need to do some research into coregulation techniques.

There's a lady called Jordan who runs a website called sensory classroom, and she is fantastic. It's aimed as SEN, however the zones of regulation module she offers are fantastic even for using at home, not just at school.

As another PP pointed out it is restraint collapse. She's not able to communicate her needs appropriately, and then that is spiralling because she's telling you something is wrong and isn't being heard so then one thing leads to another and she is pushing and hitting, and you're focusing on the negative behaviour behind it and not why that negative behaviour is occurring.

She isn't in a learning space if that is the headspace she is in so you're going to find it harder to curb these behaviours.