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Original poster

Another useless dh thread

40 replies

lissydoll23 · 23/05/2025 08:09

I don’t think he’s completely useless, he works hard, does his fair share around the house, maintains the garden and does most of the cooking. But when it comes to looking after our toddler he just doesn’t seem to use his initiative and wants to be spoon fed by me.

Example - the other day I had a family emergency and had to go out from about 10am-2pm. When I got back dd was still in her pjs and hadn’t left the house. I do feel quite strongly that the dc should go out for some fresh air if they can but it hadn’t occurred to dh to just dress her and take her for a walk. So after a stressful few hours I had to. This sort of thing happens a lot. When he’s ’looking after her’ he’s basically sat in the living room with her playing or watching TV. He doesn’t get on with anything else like tidying up or taking her out like I do on my days off.

He waits until I get in from work to give her an evening meal. If I’m running late he’ll just wait rather than get on with it himself. If we’re out in public and she needs a nappy change he just assumes I will do it as he gets flustered changing her in different places.

Dd is his first child whereas I have an older dc from previous marriage. So it’s like he just automatically thinks I know best and need to instruct him on everything. If I’m not here he is perfectly capable of doing all of these things he would just rather let me do it if I can.

I have so much on lately with work, family and the kids. I am burnt out and have snapped a few times at dh about this but then he just accuses me of always criticising him.

How do I approach this in a proactive way?

OP posts:
Gettingbysomehow · 23/05/2025 08:27

lissydoll23 · 23/05/2025 08:13

That’s super helpful thanks.

No need to feel sorry for my dc, they are very happy and loved. I do worry about yours though, can’t be easy growing up with a parent that is so pointlessly nasty.

Show quote history

What do you expect people to say? You sound right on the edge OP.
We can't make him do efficient childcare any more than you can.
At least he is doing something like gardening and cleaning and does play with the child unlike either of my exes who did nothing at all. Literally nothing.
I dumped both of my exes because they contributed absolutely nothing to my life just made it harder.
It doesn't really sound like your dh is that bad.

4444223e · 23/05/2025 08:27

Maybe there's a halfway point between your way and his that you could have a constructive conversation about?

Yes, he shouldn't wait for you to give her dinner, and yes, he should be as able to change a nappy as you are, regardless of where you are. But playing with her instead of multi-tasking with housework is, imo, not a bad thing. And while obviously small children need outings and exercise and activity, it isn't going to kill anyone if she doesn't go out for a day. Unless she's unusually high energy you didn't need to take her out, and if she desperately needed it, you could have just asked him to do it.

Maybe your standards are too high and his are too low, so meeting in the middle might make sense. Sorry you're having a stressful time @lissydoll23

Thesequel · 23/05/2025 08:25

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Thesequel · 23/05/2025 08:24

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Original poster
lissydoll23 · 23/05/2025 08:24

Renabrook · 23/05/2025 08:23

So because he didn't do it your way he is useless?

No but I don’t think it’s a lot to ask and it would just be nice to see him use his own initiative rather than me have to instruct him on everything.

OP posts:
Renabrook · 23/05/2025 08:23

So because he didn't do it your way he is useless?

Poisonwood · 23/05/2025 08:21

Rather than snapping in the moment, you need to organise a time when the children are asleep or away that you can both sit down and discuss this as mature adults wanting to communicate healthily.

RoofTopSingers · 23/05/2025 08:20

I think the crux of it is you said "So after a stressful few hours I had to." why did you do it? Why not tell him to get her dressed? Tell him to feed her at a set time and not wait for you to come home. So what if he gets flustered changing a nappy, as you know this is parenting and you just have to get on with it. You need a sit down talk with him and you need to step back a little, stop rescuing him. I know this is hard because you are the default parent but lay down your expectations of what his parenting role is including doing other things like tidying up.

xxxwd · 23/05/2025 08:20

He sounds utterly useless and you’ve gone on to minimise it. I divorced a man like that.

MyOliveHelper · 23/05/2025 08:20

I'm a midwife. I work with families in their early days. What I see is that mothers often think their way of doing things is the only way so they both take on this role of instructing their co-parent on how to do things rather than letting them find their own way and they can be highly critical of the process when the guy is finding his way.

To me, this can only lead to the man taking on less and less and awaiting the woman's word for how and when to do things. He becomes an assistant.

Okay so you feel strongly that the kid needs to be up.and dressed and out by X o clock..great that's how YOU can do things. Maybe he does it a different way. You need to give him the chance to do that.

So my advice is back off. Your kid wont die in their PJs. You need to allow your husband to gain confidence and accountability for your child, and that comes by actually giving him responsibility for her. You're not doing that when you keep instructing him on how it must be done.

It's too late to ensure you have the same views on these things so you have to make do with the fact that you'll do it differently.

Original poster
lissydoll23 · 23/05/2025 08:17

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Ah yes a stranger on the internet knows much more about my kids happiness than me.

Did you miss the part where I said he works hard, does his fair share in the house etc? That’s not being unsupported.

Could you leave the thread if you’ve nothing constructive to add?

OP posts:
Thesequel · 23/05/2025 08:15

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Original poster
lissydoll23 · 23/05/2025 08:13

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That’s super helpful thanks.

No need to feel sorry for my dc, they are very happy and loved. I do worry about yours though, can’t be easy growing up with a parent that is so pointlessly nasty.

OP posts:
Thesequel · 23/05/2025 08:11

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