Another useless dh thread

Sounds like there needs to be some compromise here, he doesn't have to do everything exactly as you would. Yes, she should be fed and nappy changed, but it is not compulsory that a child gets out of the house every day, if he was playing with her at home that's fine too and you didn't actually have to take her when you got back. If he's doing most of the cooking, does he have the meal ready and is just waiting for you to eat as a family?

did he clean her teeth? If he didn’t that’s piss poor.

One being the ‘default parent’ and the other being poor is a shit deal for your DC.

Did you ask him if he could get her dressed and take her out for a walk?

I get that you shouldn’t have to but maybe he lacks a bit of confidence in taking the initiative with DD? Maybe he thought playing indoors for the morning was fine and he would have taken her out later.

Also with dinner you can’t let him get away with not bothering to start cooking but maybe he just needs a nudge - when our DDs were little I used to work part time so do most of the food shopping & meal planning so we had a whiteboard in the kitchen with meals for the week on it so if DH got home first he would start cooking whatever was on the plan. It just saved us bickering about silly things like “why did you make bolognese, the chicken needed using before the mince”

Have you talked to him? If you haven’t addressed this he probably thinks he can carry on. He doesn’t sound confident at all, I’d probably book a night away to give him some immersion therapy.

This is probably something I’d also snap at in the heat of the moment/being exhausted. However, on the outside looking in, it’s always easier to see another viewpoint.
Your DC might grow up thinking “when it’s just us and Dad we get to stay in our PJs and chill and we love it…”.
He sounds very helpful around the house in general (as he should be) and his style of parenting might be more relaxed/chill.
I’m a “let’s go out and do this” Mum too whereas my DP would be quite happy to stay inside with my DD(7) and watch a film 😅

I get why you’re pissed off because it’s not rocket science to think to get your own child dressed by midday, or when you’re running late from work for him to ask you if you would like him to wait for you or to just crack on with dinner for the little one. I wouldn’t be too fussed if he’d been playing indoors instead of getting out in the fresh air because that’s just his preference. If he was sat on his phone or gaming while the little one was running feral then that would be different.
I’ve been pissed off in the past and told my DH that nobody gives me a list of what to do, so why does he need one but maybe you need to kind of point him in the right direction? ‘Right DH, I’m off. See you in a couple of hours. Obviously make sure LO is dressed and fed. I’ve left the pushchair in case you fancy getting out for a bit’. That kind of thing?
How old is your little one?

I don't agree with you insisting she has to be taken out - if he didn't want to that's fine.

I do agree he should change nappies when you're out and she should be fed at her usual times whether you're there or not.

The rest - if he's 'in charge' then it's up to him

To be fair I don't take my kids out every single day even when they were little. They are old enough to play out by themselves now so take themselves into the park with friends but on Sunday I don't plan on going anywhere and it's up to them to get dressed. If they go outside they put clothes on, if not then I don't have any issue if they stay in a onesie.

Changing a baby in public is a lot more annoying than at home, getting flustered isn't a major deal but assuming you will do it is, you both need to share the load.

The dinner thing...is he waiting for you to cook it or is he just waiting so you can eat too because there is a difference assuming your child isn't screaming because she's hungry.

He will never take initiative if you keep telling him off. He sounds like he is a good husband and really tries in other areas. He is probably scared of your reaction.

He had her for a few hours and you criticised him for how he did that. He doesn’t have to parent exactly the same way as you do all the time. Perhaps he waits for instructions because he’s so used to you telling him how he is supposed to do things when he tries to take initiative. If he is saying he feels criticised, perhaps it’s time to listen.

To be honest, the tone of your responses so far gives an insight into your character. I can imagine your husband might feel demoralised if that’s the way you respond to people.

So it’s like he just automatically thinks I know best and need to instruct him on everything.

I do feel quite strongly that the dc should go out for some fresh air if they can but it hadn’t occurred to dh to just dress her and take her for a walk.

You are putting yourself in the position of knowing what's best and getting angry at him when he's not doing things the way and time you'd do them. I'm not surprised he's letting you take the lead because he's realised that it's not about him taking an initiative, it's about him following your orders.

Tell him he’s cooking X nights a week, if he then doesn’t, feed DD but not him.

If there are unisex changing facilities when you’re out, stop changing DD when DH is there to do it. You’re enabling his shitness.

Okay, well on the nappy change thing - that's easy (well, 'easy') he gets stressed doing it, which will improve with practice. So that's what you say to him, every single time. In fact, apply that to everything. You need to step back, or find opportunities to step away from being 'main parent' because he needs the practice. And you sound like you could really use a break, to be honest. There will be a transition period where you might find it tougher, because I totally understand that coming home to find that he's done nothing would also be stressful, but ultimately things aren't going to get better unless he internalised the fact he is an equal parent, not just your babysitter. The only thing I would suggest on the 'your way or his way' is that you ask him what he's planning for her dinner, if you are out over dinnertime, to make it clear that the expectations is that he will organise food and feed her. You need a break, he needs the practice.

He’s not ‘doing his fair share’ if his parenting is poor. (Cooking, getting her dressed, doing things with her etc)

Have you spoken to him about your concerns about his parenting? If he’s reasonable he’ll sort himself out. If he’s a lazy, shit parent he won’t and you’ll then need to decide what to do.

This woman [thesequel] is a freak, an absolute nut job, She's all over my post and in my DM's mocking my infertility, seriously, just report her posts. She's absolutely unhinged.

Sending love to you OP.

I think it’s in the dc best interests to get outside on a nice day even if just for half an hour. It’s not a big thing to ask and I don’t get why Dh can’t see that. It’s not like I’m saying ‘right I want two educational activities before breakfast and a 5 mile hike in the afternoon.’ It’s basic stuff.

Ideally, yes. I don't disagree with you, but it's also worth looking at your own expectations and whether they're creating unnecessary stress, both for you and the people around you. His opinion might be that building legos together is equally valuable.

Sometimes it pays to step out of the dynamic and do a check on whether we're keeping things in perspective. From the outside, it sounds like some things are worth discussing and something things maybe need to be let go.

Why can't dc just spend time simply living? Was dc crying and neglected in pj's or just having a chill day? You like dc being out daily. Dh likes staying in... Surely he can parent his way in his time?

It isnt a big thing to ask and its how I do things too. But believe it or not, I did try to make sure my co-parents shared some of those core values beforehand because I really didn't want someone who would let the baby still be in their PJs at midday.

There are things I didn't make sure of and yeah, I've had to deal with the fact that I picked them and they aren't necessarily wrong.

Op you have two options-

go away for a long weekend and leave him to crack on,there is a risk you will come back to a big mess but if you do take dd out and leave him to sort it. At least he will have had a go at feeding/ bedtime etc

or teach him to do it, you shouldn’t have to but he doesn’t seem to know. So you text and say “going to be late can you feed dc at X time” he will inevitably ask what he should give her so you say “ did you check the fridge? I thought there was chicken and broccoli in there?”!! Don’t at any point do it for him and try not to snap as he will play victim. On a weekend say “ I need to catch up on x job, can you get dc out the house for a couple hours from 1? You could go park or soft play?” As thes things become normal to him you pull back your involvement, stop making suggestions .

This is good advice OP, he needs to build his confidence. I made the same mistake with my sons dad and stepdad, it’s such an easy one to fall into especially as it pushes your protective buttons but the more you try to control the worse it will get. If you can talk to him and really own your part of the dynamic, you guys might find yourselves in an excellent new place.

But that's the thing, you seem to be waiting for him to use his initiative and do what you would do. Otherwise you think his initiative isnt being used.

There is “being neglectful” “being useless” and “not doing things the same as you” and you need to untangle these.

You “feeling strongly” that children should go out for fresh air every day .. is a “you” thing, it’s not important to everyone, and him not thinking the same as you makes him neither useless or neglectful, it makes him “not you”. You are not automatically correct in all things, people are different, and he is allowed to parent in a different way, that is in no way “neglectful”.
He needs to be allowed to get on with things, in a different way to you, without you correcting him, or trying to make him into you.

Waiting to give her an evening meal .. so he likes to eat as a family, how nice. Again, unless she’s screaming the house down in ravenous hunger, what’s the problem?

He gets flustered as nappy changing in new places…. He’s not the only one. I can’t imagined that this is a situation that happens often, but if it does, just leave him to it. He may be flustered, but he’s an adult, and nappies don’t last forever.

I imagine he lets you do it, as you criticise the way he does it, as it’s not “your way” … just let him get on with it.