Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find this very odd. Do I ditch this person

89 replies

Lesleyann25 · 22/05/2025 16:13

Well I am looking for advice because I am finding this really weird. I have friend she is 20 years older than me, she was my best friends neighbour and we’ve always got along but she has always been a bit unusual. She is in her 60s I used to take her for shopping etc occasionally or go around and have dinner with her as I am single parent and I enjoyed the company.

In the pst year i changed jobs I have a much longer commute and also my daughter does not go to her dads house very much. This friend is constantly asking me to to take her places and I have had to decline either tired or busy. Now she keeps saying im so worried about you, go to the doctor you must ill. I said I’ve been had bloods had low folate and im on medication and she saying things like go back for a second opinion you don’t look well and it’s all the time. My other friend said I look fine but this is bizarre is she gaslighting me? Or maybe getting mentally ill? I don’t want to be mean but it’s really bothering me should I just cut her off?

OP posts:
Original poster
Lesleyann25 · 22/05/2025 17:17

Sera1989 · 22/05/2025 17:13

I think she’s got used to you doing things for her and she thinks your tiredness is medical (even though it’s not, as you’ve explained) so she’s laying it on thick so you go to the doctor again, “cure” your tiredness and continue to help her. When she said to your friend ‘I don’t want to lose you’ she didn’t mean in case they die, she meant in case they stop helping her with things.

You said she’s been manipulative in the past and I think she will only become more expectant as time goes on. Time for a slow fade as she’s not your responsibility

She has a large family so they do need to do more for her. What she is failing to realise is that we are getting older too and our priorities have had to change due to children work
etc. I lived closer to her before also but she would still never come to my house and like I said I am a single
parent and I like her company but this is driving me
nuts.

OP posts:
myplace · 22/05/2025 17:16

How strange, OldFriend. Everyone else has been telling me how well I look. Perhaps I only look worn and ill when I’m with you? I wonder why…

Sera1989 · 22/05/2025 17:13

I think she’s got used to you doing things for her and she thinks your tiredness is medical (even though it’s not, as you’ve explained) so she’s laying it on thick so you go to the doctor again, “cure” your tiredness and continue to help her. When she said to your friend ‘I don’t want to lose you’ she didn’t mean in case they die, she meant in case they stop helping her with things.

You said she’s been manipulative in the past and I think she will only become more expectant as time goes on. Time for a slow fade as she’s not your responsibility

BeNiceWhenItsFinished · 22/05/2025 17:12

She's really being quite demanding, isn't she?

Original poster
Lesleyann25 · 22/05/2025 17:10

myplace · 22/05/2025 16:42

DM sends me quack cures for my illness because she wants me to do more for her. She needs me fixed.

She’s passively aggressively telling you that the only excuse for not being at her beck and call is illness. And even then, you should get treated!

It’s all about failing to meet her needs. It’s unacceptable.

Thank
you this is what my gut feeling is saying and it’s probably bothering me more because I have suffered with heath anxiety in the past and I think
if you are playing on that it’s bloody terrible.

OP posts:
User2446433 · 22/05/2025 17:10

If you don't want to be friends anymore slow fade your messages back, reply to one I'm five and kick the meeting up can down the road. If you do want to see her again, say things are much busier for me now but I'm fine. Let's meet up three weeks on Tuesday. When you do meet up say can we not discuss my appearance anymore unless you want me to also critique yours! Say you find it boring and too personal. You'll be stepping back if it continues. You are in control op! I can't help but think she is being spiteful on purposes because you are spending less time with her but maybe I am jumping to conclusions!

Original poster
Lesleyann25 · 22/05/2025 17:04

Terrribletwos · 22/05/2025 16:52

See this! I would have nipped that in the bud straightaway.

But as you haven't. Please do this now!

Show quote history

Yes I will. I am sick of going round in circles explaining that things are
different now and I am not
feckimg ill.

OP posts:
Terrribletwos · 22/05/2025 16:52

Lesleyann25 · 22/05/2025 16:47

I have told her this so many time. I like to be in bed by 9.30 I used to be a bit of night owl so if she calls after ten I don’t really answer and she gets miffed. I don’t even look tired bevause I make sure I get earlier nights.

Show quote history

See this! I would have nipped that in the bud straightaway.

But as you haven't. Please do this now!

Original poster
Lesleyann25 · 22/05/2025 16:47

SandrenaIsMyBloodType · 22/05/2025 16:46

it sounds bloody infuriating. I would lie and tell her that I had had a comprehensive checkup and that the doctor says I’m completely healthy as that it’s appropriate for me to feel a bit more tired than usual as I have a new more demanding routine and they have recommended I try to pace myself and get to bed earlier.

I have told her this so many time. I like to be in bed by 9.30 I used to be a bit of night owl so if she calls after ten I don’t really answer and she gets miffed. I don’t even look tired bevause I make sure I get earlier nights.

OP posts:
SandrenaIsMyBloodType · 22/05/2025 16:46

it sounds bloody infuriating. I would lie and tell her that I had had a comprehensive checkup and that the doctor says I’m completely healthy as that it’s appropriate for me to feel a bit more tired than usual as I have a new more demanding routine and they have recommended I try to pace myself and get to bed earlier.

Original poster
Lesleyann25 · 22/05/2025 16:45

ThirstyFruit · 22/05/2025 16:42

Look, decide whether this person is your friend or your pity project who needs lifts and duty visits! She’s in her sixties, and unless there’s a big drip feed coming, not unduly vulnerable, isolated or unwell. If you don’t want to continue the friendship, don’t.

Show quote history

I am not drip feeding ive know her since my twenties shes 20 years older than me and on the large side but she still manages fairly well. She always took us under her wing when we were young and daft so yeah I do feel obligated a little bit. Starting wish I hadn’t asked now.

OP posts:
Terrribletwos · 22/05/2025 16:45

Well if she has a past of being manipulative fuck her off.

Original poster
Lesleyann25 · 22/05/2025 16:42

F1LandoFan · 22/05/2025 16:37

Hmmm I don’t feel able to vote as I’m not sure what I think! If you do look less well than normal, she could just be worried about you? Or does she have a past of a loved one having something wrong and not being diagnosed maybe?

No I think she has a past of being manipulative to get her way if im honest and that’s why it’s pissing me off.

OP posts:
ThirstyFruit · 22/05/2025 16:42

Lesleyann25 · 22/05/2025 16:33

Thank
you! I thought this could be the case ive been 100 percent honest with her and it’s not sinking in. If im about I will run her out for shopping but it’s taking me an hour and half to get home from work and that tires me out.

Show quote history

Look, decide whether this person is your friend or your pity project who needs lifts and duty visits! She’s in her sixties, and unless there’s a big drip feed coming, not unduly vulnerable, isolated or unwell. If you don’t want to continue the friendship, don’t.

myplace · 22/05/2025 16:42

DM sends me quack cures for my illness because she wants me to do more for her. She needs me fixed.

She’s passively aggressively telling you that the only excuse for not being at her beck and call is illness. And even then, you should get treated!

It’s all about failing to meet her needs. It’s unacceptable.

Original poster
Lesleyann25 · 22/05/2025 16:41

Mischance · 22/05/2025 16:38

Why does she need someone to take her places? Does she have a disability?

She has a few mobility problems she gets around ok but she gets money from the government to pay for taxis. When I am available I will happily do it and she does not have to pay for a taxi.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lesleyann25 · 22/05/2025 16:39

NeverDropYourMooncup · 22/05/2025 16:30

'Can you do this?'

OP: 'I'm too tired'

<repeat several times>

'Are you OK, you're always saying you can't do things because you're tired. Maybe you should see a doctor if you're too tired to do things all the time?'

OP: She's weird, she's gaslighting, she's messing with my head.

She's only going on your explanations/excuses. She's probably genuinely worried about you - but you're stretching the truth/lying to her.

That is not how it is at all. Wrong.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lesleyann25 · 22/05/2025 16:38

InNeedofAdvice12345 · 22/05/2025 16:36

I had a self-centred so-called friend like that. I had to cut her off. It was the only way.

Yeah, shame because I do care
about her but this is getting on my nerves.

OP posts:
Terrribletwos · 22/05/2025 16:38

Lesleyann25 · 22/05/2025 16:31

You are really not getting this. I have explained fully why I am more tired but she will not let up
trying to convince me that I am bloody sick. Why is that so hard to understand. Life changes she knows well that my circumstances have changed it’s not just an excuse to not give her a bloody lift. I don’t mind when I have the time but I don’t anymore.

Show quote history

Well, just tell her that! You're too tired, ill whatever. Just do it!

Mischance · 22/05/2025 16:38

Why does she need someone to take her places? Does she have a disability?

F1LandoFan · 22/05/2025 16:37

Hmmm I don’t feel able to vote as I’m not sure what I think! If you do look less well than normal, she could just be worried about you? Or does she have a past of a loved one having something wrong and not being diagnosed maybe?

Original poster
Lesleyann25 · 22/05/2025 16:37

TommyAndGinaAreHalfWayThere · 22/05/2025 16:34

Also telling someone they look tired is actually an insult dressed up as concern. YANBU OP, nothing more annoying than someone constantly saying “you look tired”. Ditch her. She’s a pain in the arse.

I think I agree, my other friend said when I saw you last week I thought how lovely your skin looked and you looked relaxed and pretty but basically she is constantly telling me look shit.

OP posts:
InNeedofAdvice12345 · 22/05/2025 16:36

I had a self-centred so-called friend like that. I had to cut her off. It was the only way.

Original poster
Lesleyann25 · 22/05/2025 16:35

BeNiceWhenItsFinished · 22/05/2025 16:32

She's only worried about you because you aren't spending as much time with her as she would like. So rather than realise that you don't have so much time for her now, naturally she has assumed that there must be something wrong with you.

Time to do a slow fade, I think.

I pop by coming home from work sometimes I keep her updated that my daughter has decided she doesn’t want to stay over at her dads so I need to be home. Shes 12. Surely a person would get this. I invite her round but she doesn’t want to come.

OP posts:
TommyAndGinaAreHalfWayThere · 22/05/2025 16:34

Also telling someone they look tired is actually an insult dressed up as concern. YANBU OP, nothing more annoying than someone constantly saying “you look tired”. Ditch her. She’s a pain in the arse.