Page 4 | To not invite distant friends husband to our wedding

TeaDrinker1234 · 2025-05-22T13:36:31+00:00

I refer to her as a distant friend; although we used to be close and I was bridesmaid at her wedding 10 years ago. That being said, I have only seen her once in the last 18 months at a friends birthday party. The last time my FH saw her husband, my FH was asking him to leave their family home at the request of my friend; due to the discovery that a "one night stand" her husband had with a colleague of theirs, actually turned out to be a longer affair. After sending out the invitations my friend messaged me to ask whether her husband was invited to our wedding and, because I'm a coward; and we have already pissed off family (mainly our parents) by having an adult only wedding due to being on a budget, I told my friend that her husband was on the reserves list so I'd be able to confirm after the RSVP date. I did wonder whether she asked because she wanted to know if they needed to sort childcare but she never replied to my message and hasn't RSVP'd yet. She has also complained to friends that her husband is on the reserves list, so I don't think it's childcare related that she asked. I can't quite fathom why her husband would want to watch us get married. It is quite clear that I do not like him, nor does he like me. Incidentally, We have also invited colleagues without a plus one, despite socializing more with them, again due to being on a budget and they seem to have understood and accepted the invitation without issue. So was I compete twat (and unreasonable) for not inviting her husband to our wedding?

Anewemail · 22/05/2025 16:24

TeaDrinker1234 · 22/05/2025 16:22

I was being facetious with £50k, of course.

The people we have invited are important to us. He is not, nor are we important to him.

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You invited this friend, whom you haven’t seen for 18 months

and is now bitching about you behind your back to mutual friends

KrisAkabusi · 22/05/2025 16:23

Are there any other couples where you are only inviting one person? Because I agree with a previous poster, you invite couples as couples, not just one of them.

Original poster

TeaDrinker1234 · 22/05/2025 16:22

WellingtonBootilicious · 22/05/2025 16:08

Absolutely. If people are important to you then you make it work. You certainly don’t need to drop 50k as OP seems to think! 😂

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I was being facetious with £50k, of course.

The people we have invited are important to us. He is not, nor are we important to him.

OP posts:

WellingtonBootilicious · 22/05/2025 16:08

andtheworldrollson · 22/05/2025 15:49

Going to pick up on your “being on a budget” which means you are limiting who is being invited

everyone has a budget for a wedding but it can be done for a few hundred - everything else is choice and you are choosing to prioritise sone things ( outfits, venue etc ) over others ( people )

Absolutely. If people are important to you then you make it work. You certainly don’t need to drop 50k as OP seems to think! 😂

Catlord · 22/05/2025 16:06

TeaDrinker1234 · 22/05/2025 15:36

She isn't a bridesmaid at our wedding, I was at hers years ago. Sorry for the confusion!

Thanks for such a reasonable reply. I'm feeling less stressed now as we have more booked and sorted. We've not left ourselves long to plan it so it's my own fault really!

Family stuff has settled and was never really a huge deal, as I said, the parents wanted a day with their grandkids and I just felt guilty because I would love a huge wedding with all our loved ones there but we don't have £50k to drop on one day, especially because the fertility treatment cost us so much.

If she doesn't RSVP then no issue, if she does then I'll be honest with her with some of the advice given here.

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Sorry I meant to write '...you were her bridesmaid'.

.

Original poster

TeaDrinker1234 · 22/05/2025 15:54

Scottishskifun · 22/05/2025 15:50

I don't think your being unreasonable you want to celebrate with people you actually like rather then someone there because he has to be and doesn't like either of you!

That was my thinking! I didn't realize it was a faux pas not to invited married couples as a duo, we just looked at friends and family who we'd happily buy dinner for and made the list from there😅

OP posts:

Original poster

TeaDrinker1234 · 22/05/2025 15:52

Anewemail · 22/05/2025 15:49

Yes because that’s the only drama in all this

not the “reserve list”
the pissed off friend
the bitching to other friends
and pissy parents

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I admit that my fake reserve list was a mistake on my part but pissed off parents and a pissed off - now distant - friend is absolutely a them problem. 👌

OP posts:

Scottishskifun · 22/05/2025 15:50

I don't think your being unreasonable you want to celebrate with people you actually like rather then someone there because he has to be and doesn't like either of you!

Anewemail · 22/05/2025 15:49

TeaDrinker1234 · 22/05/2025 15:48

A friendship fizzling out is giving year 10 drama? How old are you? 😂

Also... as you know, arranging a wedding in a short timeframe means that a lot of money has gone down already. Why waste that, and celebrating with the rest of our loved ones; for the sake of 1 person who may or may not still have an issue?

Edited

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Yes because that’s the only drama in all this

not the “reserve list”
the pissed off friend
the bitching to other friends
and pissy parents

andtheworldrollson · 22/05/2025 15:49

Going to pick up on your “being on a budget” which means you are limiting who is being invited

everyone has a budget for a wedding but it can be done for a few hundred - everything else is choice and you are choosing to prioritise sone things ( outfits, venue etc ) over others ( people )

CloudywMeatballs · 22/05/2025 15:48

Catlord · 22/05/2025 15:29

FH= future husband before they got engaged, so not fiancé?

The Friend's husband was messily involved in a cheating scandal in front of you guys. This has understandably put you off him.

Fine. I I get it.

Has she forgiven him or invooyou further?

What a shit show.

You were reeling after your family not happily accepting your no kids rule so kicked it into the long grass with the 'reserves list' excuse rather than saying yes or no at the time. Understandable but she hasn't taken it graciously, she has gone around gossiping. Doesn't sound like those two need a telly at home.

How do you feel about him now the family stuff has calmed down? I don't think uninviting her is necessary as she was your bridesmaid.

You could either squeeze him in if she's moved on, and hope it's a fresh start or stick with your decision. No wrong answers. You just need to let her know. 'luckily have a space and would be glad to invite Barry' or 'i can confirm spaces and unfortunately there are no additional guests please RSVP'.

He's her fiancé now. When I'm talking about something my now husband did before we were married I still refer to him as my husband!

Original poster

TeaDrinker1234 · 22/05/2025 15:48

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A friendship fizzling out is giving year 10 drama? How old are you? 😂

Also... as you know, arranging a wedding in a short timeframe means that a lot of money has gone down already. Why waste that, and celebrating with the rest of our loved ones; for the sake of 1 person who may or may not still have an issue?

OP posts:

Anewemail · 22/05/2025 15:43

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Original poster

TeaDrinker1234 · 22/05/2025 15:43

TizerorFizz · 22/05/2025 15:39

I’d say nothing else then you won’t put your foot in it. If she doesn’t come, so what?! You just get someone else of the reserve list. Oops - the mythical reserve list.

By the way, reserve lists are not uncommon now. People commit to X number of guests at vast amounts of money and they don’t want no shows. DD goes to lots of weddings and thinks she’s off the reserve list for one next month. I’d refuse - but she’s on holiday in the same area (booked by boyfriend’s family) so they are both going.

To be fair you do have a point. I once got bumped up from evening only to full day at the last minute and I was delighted!

OP posts:

Anewemail · 22/05/2025 15:40

LucyMonth · 22/05/2025 15:39

FFS just elope. Your mate is pissed. Her husband hates your STB husband. She isn’t even a close friend any more. Your parents are angry. What’s the point in “having your day with your closest family and friends” if it just makes everyone mad at you? Literally where is the joy? Just fuck off and get married and have a wonderful time the two of you.

Edited

Yup

TeaDrinker1234 · 22/05/2025 15:40

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MatrixDystopia · 22/05/2025 15:40

Comedycook · 22/05/2025 14:42

I think married couples come as a set when you're sending out wedding invites. Yabu.

I agree. You’re placing judgment on her choices: to marry him and to stay with him. By all means have your opinions but don’t judge friends. If she’s your friend close enough to invite to your wedding then you accept her choice of partner. Think of it as good practice for if you have kids! I will accept my kids partners as an extension of them and extend the same love I give my children to them…no matter what I think!

LucyMonth · 22/05/2025 15:39

FFS just elope. Your mate is pissed. Her husband hates your STB husband. She isn’t even a close friend any more. Your parents are angry. What’s the point in “having your day with your closest family and friends” if it just makes everyone mad at you? Literally where is the joy? Just fuck off and get married and have a wonderful time the two of you.

TizerorFizz · 22/05/2025 15:39

I’d say nothing else then you won’t put your foot in it. If she doesn’t come, so what?! You just get someone else of the reserve list. Oops - the mythical reserve list.

By the way, reserve lists are not uncommon now. People commit to X number of guests at vast amounts of money and they don’t want no shows. DD goes to lots of weddings and thinks she’s off the reserve list for one next month. I’d refuse - but she’s on holiday in the same area (booked by boyfriend’s family) so they are both going.

Original poster

TeaDrinker1234 · 22/05/2025 15:36

Catlord · 22/05/2025 15:29

FH= future husband before they got engaged, so not fiancé?

The Friend's husband was messily involved in a cheating scandal in front of you guys. This has understandably put you off him.

Fine. I I get it.

Has she forgiven him or invooyou further?

What a shit show.

You were reeling after your family not happily accepting your no kids rule so kicked it into the long grass with the 'reserves list' excuse rather than saying yes or no at the time. Understandable but she hasn't taken it graciously, she has gone around gossiping. Doesn't sound like those two need a telly at home.

How do you feel about him now the family stuff has calmed down? I don't think uninviting her is necessary as she was your bridesmaid.

You could either squeeze him in if she's moved on, and hope it's a fresh start or stick with your decision. No wrong answers. You just need to let her know. 'luckily have a space and would be glad to invite Barry' or 'i can confirm spaces and unfortunately there are no additional guests please RSVP'.

She isn't a bridesmaid at our wedding, I was at hers years ago. Sorry for the confusion!

Thanks for such a reasonable reply. I'm feeling less stressed now as we have more booked and sorted. We've not left ourselves long to plan it so it's my own fault really!

Family stuff has settled and was never really a huge deal, as I said, the parents wanted a day with their grandkids and I just felt guilty because I would love a huge wedding with all our loved ones there but we don't have £50k to drop on one day, especially because the fertility treatment cost us so much.

If she doesn't RSVP then no issue, if she does then I'll be honest with her with some of the advice given here.

OP posts:

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 22/05/2025 15:36

Well, it's your wedding so yanbu to invite whoever you like and exclude anyone that you don't want.

As long as you're happy to accept your friend's decision about whether or not she wants to attend on her own, it isn't an issue.

I would probably think a friend was a twat if they invited me to their wedding but not DH, but I would not express that view to anyone. Least of all the bride and groom!

Anewemail · 22/05/2025 15:32

How big is this wedding?

Anewemail · 22/05/2025 15:31

TeaDrinker1234 · 22/05/2025 15:25

That's right, as I said in my OP we used to be very close. It came to light about the full extent of the affair when she was at mine. She asked FH to tell her husband to leave.

I moved away years after it happened and as such we became distant in the last 18 months. I don't see how this is so inconceivable to you.

Edited by MNHQ to prevent the OP being identified

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So the marriage broke down many years ago? And you and your FH were right in the eye of the storm.

Surely that is one heck of a connection. You must have been extensively involved in the aftermath. And yet it all fizzled out when you moved away and you now have seen her once in 18 months.

ok setting aside the fact that that to me is pretty unfathomable with a very very close friend, all this happened yonks ago. If she’s back with her husband, she’s back with her husband. End of.

Catlord · 22/05/2025 15:30

Involved you*

Catlord · 22/05/2025 15:29

FH= future husband before they got engaged, so not fiancé?

The Friend's husband was messily involved in a cheating scandal in front of you guys. This has understandably put you off him.

Fine. I I get it.

Has she forgiven him or invooyou further?

What a shit show.

You were reeling after your family not happily accepting your no kids rule so kicked it into the long grass with the 'reserves list' excuse rather than saying yes or no at the time. Understandable but she hasn't taken it graciously, she has gone around gossiping. Doesn't sound like those two need a telly at home.

How do you feel about him now the family stuff has calmed down? I don't think uninviting her is necessary as she was your bridesmaid.

You could either squeeze him in if she's moved on, and hope it's a fresh start or stick with your decision. No wrong answers. You just need to let her know. 'luckily have a space and would be glad to invite Barry' or 'i can confirm spaces and unfortunately there are no additional guests please RSVP'.