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Original poster

To not invite distant friends husband to our wedding

142 replies

TeaDrinker1234 · 22/05/2025 14:36

I refer to her as a distant friend; although we used to be close and I was bridesmaid at her wedding 10 years ago. That being said, I have only seen her once in the last 18 months at a friends birthday party.

The last time my FH saw her husband, my FH was asking him to leave their family home at the request of my friend; due to the discovery that a "one night stand" her husband had with a colleague of theirs, actually turned out to be a longer affair.

After sending out the invitations my friend messaged me to ask whether her husband was invited to our wedding and, because I'm a coward; and we have already pissed off family (mainly our parents) by having an adult only wedding due to being on a budget, I told my friend that her husband was on the reserves list so I'd be able to confirm after the RSVP date. I did wonder whether she asked because she wanted to know if they needed to sort childcare but she never replied to my message and hasn't RSVP'd yet. She has also complained to friends that her husband is on the reserves list, so I don't think it's childcare related that she asked. I can't quite fathom why her husband would want to watch us get married. It is quite clear that I do not like him, nor does he like me.

Incidentally, We have also invited colleagues without a plus one, despite socializing more with them, again due to being on a budget and they seem to have understood and accepted the invitation without issue.

So was I compete twat (and unreasonable) for not inviting her husband to our wedding?

OP posts:
DeSoleil · 23/05/2025 06:22

I have never been to a wedding or even heard of a wedding where a married couple were subjected to only one of them being invited!

Of course circumstances may dictate that only one od them is available to come to the wedding such as work commitments, but not to invite a partner just seems unbelievably rude.

Renabrook · 23/05/2025 06:13

Anewemail · 22/05/2025 14:37

Shudder at the existence of a “reserves list”!

Same, yes or no should have been enough

SandyY2K · 23/05/2025 06:06

CloudywMeatballs · 22/05/2025 15:12

What is an FH?????? I've never seen this expression and I can't figure out the story without understanding it.

Nevertheless, in my opinion, you can't invite someone to your wedding without inviting their spouse. I think with boyfriends and girlfriends there's some room to maneuver, but spouses come as a set.

Agreed.

Thesequel · 23/05/2025 05:52

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Original poster
TeaDrinker1234 · 22/05/2025 17:48

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LOL, these are the exception rather than the rule 🤣

OP posts:
Snorlaxo · 22/05/2025 17:47

Glad that “reserve list” wasn’t a Bridezilla moment 😂

I agree with you that not inviting her in the first place would have probably been best. I know you were her bridesmaid a long time ago but you’ve drifted and there’s no friendship while she’s with her husband and he’s clearly staying regardless of what he does.

MsFogi · 22/05/2025 17:43

YABU - you ask both people in a couple to a wedding.

Mycarmy · 22/05/2025 17:43

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MrsSunshine2b · 22/05/2025 17:41

If you didn't want to invite them both you shouldn't have invited her. It's extremely rude to invite half of a couple.

TunnocksOrDeath · 22/05/2025 17:39

mondaytosunday · 22/05/2025 17:24

I would invite long term partners and married couple even if I hadn’t met their other half. I would not invite casual girlfriend/boyfriends. I would not have ‘plus ones’ which allows anyone to come.
Reserves list is not something I would tell anyone about, and seems odd to have one half of a married couple on it.

This. If someone is invited to an event they should be made to feel welcome and wanted - making it clear that they are considered a 2nd-tier guest is in some ways worse than not sending an invitation at all.

Original poster
TeaDrinker1234 · 22/05/2025 17:34

SpryCat · 22/05/2025 17:22

It’s your wedding, you invite who you want there! Why would you want your friend’s cheating husband there? If she’s bitching behind your back I’d be pleased she’s not coming.
I hope you have a fantastic wedding day ❤️

Thank you 💗

OP posts:
Original poster
TeaDrinker1234 · 22/05/2025 17:33

CarpetKnees · 22/05/2025 17:11

Tricky to vote as so many different things involved.

YWNBU to invite people to a wedding without their partners in some circumstances - for example, a group of 3 you shared University accommodation with for 3 years, but you haven't met, or aren't close to newer partner; or colleagues; or team mates. But this isn't one of those circumstances.

YABU to invite someone 'on her own' to a wedding, when she isn't coming as part of a group.

YABU to not accept that a couple decided to work things through after the affair. It really is their decision, not yours.

Y would N have been U to have just not invited either of them due to your drifting apart over time - life happens, especially as you move away from the area.

YWBU, and indeed, quite ridiculous to tell her that her dh is 'on the reserve list'. If you have chosen not to invite him, then own it. What is she supposed to do with the information that he is 'on hold' and might, or might not be invited ? Confused

I hear what you are saying, and appreciate your reply, thank you.

she is part of a group where there is a mix of singles, couples and part of a couple but only one is coming (either through their choice or that we don’t know their partner as it’s a new relationship)

me and her husband have never liked each other, even before the affair so it’s not about me judging her for working on their marriage. I actually quite admire her strength because I don’t know if I could do it!

After posting this I have realised it was probably an error inviting her given that we have drifted, so that’s a positive; I can decide whether to uninvite her or just be straight with her about her husband not being invited and accept that it may be the end of a friendship that was waining anyway.

and you’re absolutely right that I should have never made up the reserve list. As I’ve said before it’s so ridiculous, I can’t help but laugh at myself for saying it 🤣

OP posts:
mondaytosunday · 22/05/2025 17:24

I would invite long term partners and married couple even if I hadn’t met their other half. I would not invite casual girlfriend/boyfriends. I would not have ‘plus ones’ which allows anyone to come.
Reserves list is not something I would tell anyone about, and seems odd to have one half of a married couple on it.

SpryCat · 22/05/2025 17:22

It’s your wedding, you invite who you want there! Why would you want your friend’s cheating husband there? If she’s bitching behind your back I’d be pleased she’s not coming.
I hope you have a fantastic wedding day ❤️

AthWat · 22/05/2025 17:22

If you want her to come, you will make sure she has someone to talk to, ie her husband. Going to weddings of people you haven't seen in years on your own is a hideous experience.

Original poster
TeaDrinker1234 · 22/05/2025 17:17

Rowen32 · 22/05/2025 17:02

@Anewemail you're being painful and way too invested in this thread 😂😂

You're making sense don't worry OP. I'd leave him off, if she wants to come let her but you don't have to have him

THIS. Thank you.

OP posts:
Ponderingwindow · 22/05/2025 17:16

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CarpetKnees · 22/05/2025 17:11

Tricky to vote as so many different things involved.

YWNBU to invite people to a wedding without their partners in some circumstances - for example, a group of 3 you shared University accommodation with for 3 years, but you haven't met, or aren't close to newer partner; or colleagues; or team mates. But this isn't one of those circumstances.

YABU to invite someone 'on her own' to a wedding, when she isn't coming as part of a group.

YABU to not accept that a couple decided to work things through after the affair. It really is their decision, not yours.

Y would N have been U to have just not invited either of them due to your drifting apart over time - life happens, especially as you move away from the area.

YWBU, and indeed, quite ridiculous to tell her that her dh is 'on the reserve list'. If you have chosen not to invite him, then own it. What is she supposed to do with the information that he is 'on hold' and might, or might not be invited ? Confused

Rowen32 · 22/05/2025 17:02

@Anewemail you're being painful and way too invested in this thread 😂😂

You're making sense don't worry OP. I'd leave him off, if she wants to come let her but you don't have to have him

Original poster
TeaDrinker1234 · 22/05/2025 16:49

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Ew. Still trolling.

OP posts:
Anewemail · 22/05/2025 16:46

MatrixDystopia · 22/05/2025 15:40

I agree. You’re placing judgment on her choices: to marry him and to stay with him. By all means have your opinions but don’t judge friends. If she’s your friend close enough to invite to your wedding then you accept her choice of partner. Think of it as good practice for if you have kids! I will accept my kids partners as an extension of them and extend the same love I give my children to them…no matter what I think!

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Yes

Anewemail · 22/05/2025 16:45

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WellingtonBootilicious · 22/05/2025 16:32

TeaDrinker1234 · 22/05/2025 16:22

I was being facetious with £50k, of course.

The people we have invited are important to us. He is not, nor are we important to him.

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I was referring more to all the family members you have left out.
I know I’d prefer my nieces and nephews to be at my wedding rather than work colleagues.
No wonder your parents are annoyed.

Original poster
TeaDrinker1234 · 22/05/2025 16:31

Anewemail · 22/05/2025 16:24

You invited this friend, whom you haven’t seen for 18 months

and is now bitching about you behind your back to mutual friends

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Indeed, it says a lot about me to invite her even though we have become distant during the most difficult time of my life thus far, maybe I saw it as an olive branch. It also says a lot about her when one considers the behaviour you highlight above.

Just as your posts say a lot about you. Hopefully you’re just having a bad day which will improve tomorrow, and you aren’t usually so unpleasant.

OP posts:
Anewemail · 22/05/2025 16:25

TeaDrinker1234 · 22/05/2025 15:54

That was my thinking! I didn't realize it was a faux pas not to invited married couples as a duo, we just looked at friends and family who we'd happily buy dinner for and made the list from there😅

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You don’t seem to really “like” this friend though

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