Stuck in middle of Adult DD’s

They need to get along or move out. And no boyfriends at home until they work it out.

I echo what other posters have said. You’ve already picked one daughter.

I would sit them down and give them the following choices:

1. They move out by x date
2. both boyfriends are allowed in the house
3. no boyfriends allowed in the house - your DD2 cannot dictate to the other daughter and you are being incredibly unfair enabling this.

If they don’t sort their shit and decide to move out I wouldn’t allow either boyfriend in the house until they’ve gone.

I think your daughters have a complicated competitive relationship. It sounds as if they are competing with each other to be number one in your eyes, your husband’s eyes and in the house pecking order. It seems as if they are each other’s enemy. DD2 seems to have an ‘it’s my way or the highway’ personality with her family and friendship groups. Is DD1 subtly undermining this by going out with this boy?

Lots to unpick here… you seem to suggest some issues in the relationship with their dad, did either one of them feel abandoned by one or other of you when you separated? Did the other parent try to make it up to them and end up giving away control?

Why is DD2 so controlling? Why is everything so black and white for her? Is it possible she might be on the spectrum?

What does she allege this boy did? It doesn’t sound serious, but perhaps, underneath, it is, in which case should DD1 know? Why did DD2 refuse to visit her dad?

it sounds like DD1 has attempted to help DD2, at least with regard to visiting her dad but got nowhere. Perhaps she has given up?

I feel it would help if you saw these girls as individuals with different issues and motivations rather than saw them as two warring sisters. Their problems, and therefore solutions sound very different. DD2 doesn’t sound like the person who responds well to ultimatums so it might be helpful to find an alternative way of dealing with her.

It would also be helpful for her (for all the relationships of her life) to join in the nuances of a negotiation, such as agreeing to be away from the house once a week when DD1s boyfriend can come over.

You are the parent, they are looking to you for solutions. You need to take control of the situation in a way that shows you value them each as individuals but you all have to live together. I think taking them each out for a day, on their own, making them feel wanted and valued and talking to them about the problem, may make them feel more involved in a negotiated solution. DD2 sounds much more troubled and it may take more time for her. Don’t under estimate the effect of DD2s behaviour on DD1 and the fact that siblings often fall back into childish relationships with each other, even when they are adults.

Good luck,

Its your house if you want to allow daughters boyfriends round it's up to you. I would tell both of them to grown up and stop acting like children

They have a turbulent relationship and I always feel stuck in the middle. I am close to them both separately but they fight over my loyalty all the time and expect me to take sides. They also hide behind me from each other, passing messages instead of talking directly.

My eyes glazed over at the boyfriend bit, sorry. Way too much information you have there. The above is where it should have stopped. Time for them to move on (separately) and flatshare with peers who will love all the drama. They can come to you for Sunday lunch.

I’d agree with others that they both need to move out if this continues. It’s intolerable for you being caught in the middle
they both sound very immature

I’d suggest a blanket rule is the only fair way. So either neither of them can have their boyfriends round OR both of them can. If they can’t agree then I’d say that it’s not your problem. You’ve offered 2 solutions and if they can’t agree and either one wants to lay down the law… well it’s time to set up their own house : then you can make whatever rules you like.

I think somewhere in this you’ve forgotten whose house this is! You’re entitled to quiet enjoyment and it sounds like they’re both horribly dramatic!

Adults move out and get their own places. There’s no reason why you all have to magically get on together and it’s possible there is no way to successfully navigate the situation. You could probably come up with a short term peacekeeping arrangement but wouldn’t everyone just prefer to be the boss of their own space? Even if it was a damp bedsit?

Neither of them should have been, then or now, running the house. It's going to be hard and you'll get pushback, but you need to take back your rightful place as parent and owner of the home.

DD2 isn't standing up for herself. She's on a power trip.

Stand up for yourself, tell them you're sick of the nonsense so no boyfriends will be allowed.

@SpacedOutOut has this right Op, no ones BF comes to the house in future, when DD2 complains tell her you're being fair, it's all or nothing.

I would tell them to sort it out or neither boyfriend over as you are sick of the hassle and don't want their pettiness in your home.

There'd be a new rule, either boyfriends are allowed or they aren't for both of them. You are allowing dd2 to dictate what happens in your house, that needs to stop.

OP i would sit DD2 down and tell her DD1s boyfriend will be allowed in the house, as is hers. It’s your house and it sounds like DD2 is running the house here.

I may be biased due to my upbringing, but my single mother allowed my elder sister to run the house, I wasn’t allowed friends in, was bullied for eating and drinking normal amounts of food…etc, well now we are 40 and older, I have no contact with my sister, and barely see my mother. My sister never changed and when I tried to set boundaries as an adult my mum also tried to bully me into doing what she wanted and, when I told her I was happy, my mum said ‘oh that’s alright then’ and stormed off…ill always remember that, my happiness was not important as long as it kept my sister quiet…
sorry for the rant!

If DD2 feels uncomfortable when DD1's BF comes round then she can go to her room or go out.

I wouldn't tolerate this nonsense in my house or be drawn into their dramas. Your DDs are adults and can move out if they don't like your rules, which should be that your priority is your own well-being, low stress, peaceful life in your own home!

I'd tell them both that they are welcome to bring their BFs to your house provided there's no drama. If DD2 kicks off, then neither of them can bring BFs home. It's both or none and that's their issue to solve.

Meanwhile, make a pot of tea, put your headphones on and refuse to engage in any quarrels.

You're giving them too much power. What gives DD2 the right to dictate who can visit and who can't? I'd go to her privately and tell her to give me one really good reason that he can't visit. If she can't, I'd say either both boyfriends are allowed or both aren't. It's your house, your rules.

Either both boyfriends are allowed in the house or neither. It might be their home but it’s your house so your rules. Or they move out.

Your choices so far have already made you the bad guy by letting dd2 get her own way. So it is now time to put in boundaries to help both your daughters and yourself. It's part of parenting, they might not like it but you are the parent and it is your house, if your daughter has made demands for the last year then you can now make demands. Stop enabling her antics.

What a mess. Essentially, you have 2 adult sisters who are stuck in child mode.

Time to get serious or this nonsense will still be going on in 10 years time when your DDs are arguing over how much babysitting you do for the other one.

Sit them down. Be blunt. This stops now or they move out. You will not indulge this anymore. And mean it.

DD1 can make the rules about visitors when she’s got her own place!

They do need to find a way to live with this.

Fine, DD2 doesn't want to share her private space with him but he can come on Tuesdays and Thursdays (insert most appropriate days).

DD2 knows in advance he will be there and can choose to be elsewhere during this time.

If nothing else you need to get to know him to see for yourself if this is a relationship you should be concerned about or a teenage fall out all should leave in the past.

Set down some rules which are fair to both and refuse to engage in any complaints within these timeframes.

I think you are being very unfair to DD1. She has been with her boyfriend a year, so a reasonably serious relationship, and you are letting DD2 dictate the rules about where she sees him.
To me you have picked a favourite and DD1 may resent that in years to come.

Il be honest me and my sister couldnt live under the same roof once we got older.....we butted heads.....we still do, even having our own places. She likes creating drama. I hate drama, so i retreat. Some siblings just dont agree or get on, unfortunately.