Stuck in middle of Adult DD’s

My perception is that an outsider to the house cannot take precedence over a resident. If the visitor makes one resident uncomfortable, then that resident has to feel safe in their home and the visitor cannot come.

It's not choosing one sibling over the other. It's preserving the household peace.

In all honesty the lad, why does he want to come over when it causes WW3?

Can the lad not go in common areas, straight into DD's room and thats it? So there is distance between them.

Has there not been sessions to try to clear the air? Sounds like more is needed with rules and mediators. No aggression, no shouting, one person talks at once etc.

But in general, DD1 choosing a lad who her sister had grievances with is loud and clear telling her allegiances, their relationship is dead.

It sounds like DD2 has already "lost" quite a lot over this guy. A job, a friendship group - and from your explanation it sounds like although he might have made some kind of apology to her, he's not set the record straight or admitted any culpability to the wider group.

Then DD1 decided to chose this guy over her sister. If you are perceived to choose him too, then your relationship with DD2 will be damaged in a way that will be very hard to repair.

I think you need to have a frank conversation with DD1 - she can choose to go out with whomever she chooses, but given that she already knew about the problems between her sister and this boy, it's a bit rich to expect DD2 to welcome it. You shouldn't become another person who sides with this boy over your daughter.

I vote that most teenagers can be twats when drunk and your daughter needs to grow up a bit.

This absolutely! My two, similar age, both living at home, don't get on that well either. But I always make it clear I won't take sides. Both have boyfriends who stay over. We don't have the issue you have, but if I were you, I wouldn't allow one to ban the other's bf. If she is able and willing to move out, then I'd let her.......call her bluff. (Actually mine aren't as bad, as they ignore each other most of the time and actually rows are now rare.)

This, 100%

You treat each bf the same unless they give you, personally, reason not to.

Your house, your rules. If DD2 doesn't like DD1's bf being there its on her to go out and make other arrangements.

I’d just tell them both no boyfriends are allowed in the house till they grow up and sort this silly squabble out. are you sure there in their twenties?

If you feel OK with bf in yoyr house thrn that's all that matters. Dd2 , as an adult, can either move out, suck it up or make herself scarce when he comes over.

DD2 says she should not be forced to be uncomfortable In her own home

ok but you are 3 adults living there. So you and DD1 also have a say what happens there. You are both ok with this lad being there, so DD2 can stay in her room on the few occasions he is there, or go out. Establish some rules about when and for how long they can have their BFs there and that is is.

Or she can move out.

When you say adults, how adult are they? 18? 19? 25? I think that makes a lot of difference in terms of maturity.

Regardless, the solution is very simple: either both can bring whoever they want around or none of them can, end of.

My DB and I don’t talk. He has a tendency to bully you if you’re not exactly how he expects you to and unfortunately we couldn’t be more different. Now where it gets tricky for my mum is that not only we don’t speak, but he thinks he can “ban” me from speaking to her as well.

You can’t allow bullying inside your own house. In fact everyone would probably be happier if they both just moved out and got their own places.

This is appropriate I believe.

You need to re establish equality in the house.

At the time you need to be clear you are not going to be their go between any longer.

They behave with civility towards each other or it’s time to ship out.

Just tell them your house, your rules, both DDs are allowed to bring boyfriends round, however if DD2 is adament DD1 can’t then DD2 can’t have her boyfriend there either

I would tell them to decide if it’s all or nothing by xx date

I would also be telling them you love them both dearly but are fed up of being in the middle. You are no longer going to act as mediator, they sort things out themselves.

I think the first step here is to stop labelling those dd as difficult. They both have very good reasons to be annoyed tbh. You just have that is more visibly grumpy about it but they are both trying to protect themselves in some ways.
I also dint believe that dd2 is controlling vs dd1 flexible. Dd1 knew very well that by going with B, she was going to hurt her sister. That by doing so she invalidated the pain the dd2 experienced from B words + during the fall out. Let’s be honest, if everyone fell out, things just have been pretty bad.

Having said that, I think you really step out of the role they BOTH want you to play - the one if the judge.

Id sit them down and tell them you know and appreciate the hurt they feel. Dd1 for not being able to bring B into her own home. Dd2 for her hurt around that boy, the fall out then agd the not feeling safe in her own home now. BOTH hurts need to be validated imo

Then I’d tell them that you’re not going to chose. You love them BOTH and youre refusing to choose one over the other. id remind them that you simply can’t make a judgement and decide who is right or wrong. It’s much more complex than that.

And then id tell them Theyre two adults living in the same house. This brings issues and responsibility. They can need to decide together if they can accomodate each other (eg B only comes when dd2 isn’t home) or if they want more freedom (eg by deciding to live away from home). But whatever they chose is going to be THEIR decision, not yours. And the best solution is one they agree together. Not one imposed on them.

Id remember that BOTH of them are reacting from a place of hurt (as yes with what’s going on now triggering because of the last re the dad etc…). It can’t be simple to deal with fir dd2 tbh

As others have said, give them options

1. Both boyfriends can come round (they can agree specific days)
2. Neither boyfriend comes into your house
3. Either or both can move out.

Make it clear that they each have agency to decide what they want but in the interim you may want to go with option 2, as it's your house. Don't be swayed by the emotional blackmail of "I'll move out and never speak to you again" because this will be played every time they don't get their own way.

Keep emphasising that you are not chosing one over the other when you refuse to be drawn into their arguments. The problem is they both think that you're taking the other side if you're not 100% supporting them.

From reading all your messages I feel you may favour DD2 as you see both her and you as victims and you think DD1 has similar traits to their dad who you obviously don't like.

Do you think this is shading your judgement?
DD2 doesn't want to feel uncomfortable in her own home but you are happy for DD1 to be restricted in her home??

You need to stop your unconscious bias against DD1.

DD2 needs to get over herself how on earth is she going to cope in the real world if she can't build a wall and get over things - is she going to be like this with all her colleagues who disagree with her?

This is an entirely different issue though.

Not stuck in the middle

Your ot stuck in the middle
Your refusing to put your foot down
You have allowed this situation between the girls to go on for years with one bullying the other .
Tbh ,I lost track who was doing what to who a while back
Your the parent,you make the rules.
That's why this situation has continued, because your trying to be their friends.
Your their parent It sounds like they are 5 years old
You shouldn't have to put your foot down at this age ..but you clearly didn't set boundaries when they were younger..so now your going to have to .you need to think long and hard about what's fair
Then come up with some house rules ..while your under my roof ..xyz..
Don't like it ..move out ..
You need to get tough ..but also not get drawn in to the pettyness .
Stop playing them off against each other by talking about each of them to the other

New rule: NO boyfriends in your house.

This may encourage one or both DDs to move out, which wouldn't be the worst thing.

It sounds like DD1 has form for being an antagonist bully who revels in making DD2 uncomfortable, so I can see why DD2 has had enough and decided to stand up for herself. I’d be pretty upset too if my own sister started dating someone she knew had hurt me and who I detested. It also sounds like you may have been passive in the face of her dad’s bullying behaviour when she was younger and is looking to you to protect her in a way you perhaps didn’t before.

That said, she really can’t dictate who comes into the house so it’s time to institute a no boyfriends in the house rule or one of both of them move out. They’re acting like children.

Stand back and let them get on with it. Tell them it is your home and you will not ban anyone from it without good reason. If they want to argue about that amongst themselves it’s up to them. When there is WW3, go for a walk and leave them to it. Or tell them if they want to fight about it, to go and do it somewhere else.

Unless this guy assaulted your daughter, she has no say in whether he comes in to your house or not. If she wants to perceive this as you disrespecting her boundaries, that’s up to her. If she is prepared to cut contact with you and move out, cheerio, enjoy paying for real life. If you give in to her, you are letting her know she can tantrum to get her way and your other daughter will lose out. Thats lose lose all round.

Presumably your daughter has her own space in the house and can stay out of his way if she wants to. Is her boyfriend allowed to come to the house? Maybe the ideal solution is to say neither of them can have their boyfriends over.

Agreed it has to be one rule for both re boyfriends visiting. Being passive here is just making things worse. There's no Outcome where you being non-committal works well.

One rule, they can agree themselves whether it's both or none, and if one or both don't like it they move out. For what it's worth, DD2 sounds unreasonable - we all do and say stupid stuff at 16 and he's apologised.

DD2 being so adamant, I'd give her one chance to say why he makes her so uncomfortable that he shouldn't visit. If he's groped her or something sometime, fair enough, but a generic, "he makes me uncomfortable," wouldn't be enough for me. Then she can find a coping mechanism.