Stuck in middle of Adult DD’s

My sister and I fell out for a couple of years over something really silly and not relevant to this. Both myself and my sister acted like children with my Mum but she would not be swayed and called herself Switzerland on the fence! She was steadfast in this and would not talk about either one of us to the other. She treated us both exactly the same and always has done.

My point here is that DD2 is controlling the narrative saying that DD1's BF can't come.

You need to control your own home here and that means treating them exactly the same. It doesn't matter what DD2 thinks of DD1's BF. Either both DD's are allowed their BF's round or neither. You can't say one can and one can't as that is unfair.

Once you have done the above, start calling yourself Switzerland on the fence!

If either doesn't like it, then tell them they have to lump it! Good luck.

OP, what are your thoughts about B? You know the details of what happened years ago and what he said to or about DD2. In your honest opinion, is it unforgivable? Was it so awful that this person should be banned from the house?

If it is and you are still cross that he treated DD2 this way then you have your answer.

But I suspect that you don’t have such ill feelings towards him. If what he said about DD2 was so awful then you wouldn’t want him in your house would you?

It is DD2 who is in the wrong here. She is the one making her sister choose. She doesn’t need to like her sister’s BF but she doesn’t get to dictate who her sister can and can’t date. She is also the one who is dragging you into this and also trying to make you choose. This is really controlling behaviour.

I’m very curious what this ‘crude’ comment was too. If it was about DD2’s body or sexual in nature I don’t blame her at all for not wanting him anywhere near her. For all you know she may have a history of SA or trauma that you and DD1 don’t know about and this is a protective mechanism for her. I’m so sick of men and boys saying whatever the hell they want and women are expected to get over it.

I agree with every word of this. Don’t let DD2 hold this over the household like she is

Was the comment and the fallout that followed really awful, or was it just silly teenage drama? Is she justified in hating him, or is it an overreaction?

Seems like DD2 is being allowed to rule the roost. DD1 bf has offered to apologise but that’s not good enough for dd2.

You have said DD1 isn’t keen on DD2 bf but tolerates him well she should behave the same for DD1 bf.

I would suggest that either they both start looking for their own places and that no boyfriends are allowed over to make it fair. It’s up to DD2 then if she wants to forgive or move out. Until either happens no BF of either daughters is allowed in the house. It’s your house and you should have to put up with it constantly.

This clearly isn't about the boy. It's about the relationship between the girls. The boy is a pawn for the angry sister who is using it as a stick to beat her sister

He was a teenager. It was years ago. The relationship is fairly serious.

You need to state that banning him means taking sides and they are both adults so need to move out it they don't like the rules

It's very sad they have such a fracturd relationship I would refuse to get drawn into details and keep suggesting family counselling or full and frank commitment to a real peace talk. And remember peace is hard and means compromise.

I also think you should really encourage DD2 to let go of this grudge for her own wellbeing. B is right, he was young and drunk and he has apologised. Everything got blown out of proportion but it sounds like this was years ago.

It is doing DD2 no favours holding onto this level of animosity.

Ok so I think a large part of this is the fact you all need to establish boundaries and add clarity for all
on your living situation.

do they pay rent? Is it your house and they live with you? Could you afford the house without them?

is it a shared home or mums house and the family home

from your post it seems it is mums house and the family home but they are behaving like they are in a flat share when it suits then calling you to referee when it suits

i would lay out ground rules- if you expect me to be the parent then you will act like this all the time and my house / my rules

I would set out literal rules about guests and tick to them- regardless of who they are.

the other option I would give is that they act like adults and resolve it - and you create a communal living agreement as there seems to be no boundaries a

This is like something from a teenagers magazine.
They are adults.. they either behave like adults in your home or they move out.
You need to be firmer.
Call a family meeting or kick them out.

I really think the issue is with DD1 here, not DD2. She'll probably have multiple boyfriends, she only has one sister, and her sister is the one who doesn't appear to have done anything wrong.

DD1 needs to recognise her choices have consequences. She decides to go out with someone who has caused her sister so much upset. Fine, but the consequence is that while she still lives with her sister, she doesn't get to bring the boyfriend home. I don't think DD2 is doing anything wrong asking you to support her on this.

No, it’s your home, not theirs. You are allowing them to live there.

You are allowed anyone you want into YOUR home. If anyone doesn’t like it, they can find somewhere else to live.

You are being made to feel uncomfortable in your home by all this extremely childish bickering and grudges.

You need to start laying the law down regarding how your DDs are behaving. You need to put yourself first, not choosing which DD to prioritise. Prioritise yourself.

People are siding with DD1 because of the way you wrote the OP. You left out vital information, including what he did and DD1 being a dominating bully to DD2 her entire life. If you had included all of the information in the OP you would have different responses.

DD1 is still trying to be a bully and can move out any time she likes. DD2 shouldn’t have to be around a man that made such nasty crude (sexual, I’m guessing) comments to her that he imploded his entire friendship group.

I’d be really disappointed in DD1 for having so little self-respect that she went chasing after a guy that sounds like he was interested in/making remarks about her sister in the past.

DD2 says she should not be forced to be uncomfortable In her own home

The boy has tried to make amends and it seems rebuffed by your DD. She can't be forced to like him but she should be tolerant as this is adult behaviour.

However you should not view yourself in the middle. If you believe the boy is not a threat and it's a case of "hurt" feelings then dd2 needs to grow up. Both boyfriends should be allowed to visit or neither.

However do your daughters need family counselling? There seems to be deeper issues than this lad and looking to the future it would be a shame if their relationship is fractured, which is what is likely to happen

I think you needed to be much firmer with them, and set clear boundaries when they were younger. When they were young, you needed to get in there and adjudicate some of their arguments, so that the stronger personality didn’t dominate the other, and so they both knew what reasonable boundaries were.

It is far from intuitive, but in fact getting in their and setting boundaries and being the voice of justice and fairness with your kids when they’re young actually makes them more able to fight their own battles and be clear about their needs as adults - it makes them less dependent adults, more independent.

Now they are grown up what you can’t do is let DD2 dominate as she wishes to. They’re either both able to have their boyfriends over or neither of them can. DD2 can’t ban DD1’s boyfriend while having her own boyfriend over!

Edit - and yes you are still the ultimate decision maker re your house, with a duty to be fair. You’re being an utter wet blanket with the consequence that DD2 is ruling the roost. Poor DD1!

Dd2 doesn’t go to the event if she’s that bothered. He was young and stupid and offered an apology to something that really doesn’t need to be dragged out 3 years later. I would either tell DD2 she doesn’t get to dictate who is in the house or there is a no boyfriend rule for all. If you are the ultimate decision maker you decide if DD1 boyfriend is allowed round or not

You are being blackmailed and held hostage... which is would not accept or indulge her on.

If it's a hill DD2 really wants to die on - fine.
Let her.
If his presence is SO intolerable and an affront to her she can move out. Her choice.
Or she can act like a semi adult and just avoid him / go to her room / whatever.

Right now shes ruling the roost and it's not okay.

Whegher you care to admit it or not you ARE permitting this...and DD2 is clearly "winning" / favoured / getting her way.

I think you need to sit both of them down , together and tell them that you’ve had enough , that you appreciate all sides of the argument but the rules going forward are either both boyfriends are welcome whenever or neither boyfriend is welcome and if they don’t like that then they can do whatever they feel the need to do . End of .

But you're not in the middle. What it boils down to is you're playing favorites with DD2 as the winner. You let her make rules for the entire household. You let her exclude DD1's bf over teen crap that happened years ago.

You make the rules and they need to be equal. 2 isn't comfortable with 1's bf being welcome in the home as is her bf, she can find her own place. She is being really manipulative threatening to leave and go NC. You know how to handle that? Say Ok. And let her go.

You need to stop the triangulation and relaying messages. You don't have time for their Bickersons bullshit.

Such a complicated situation and I feel sorry for you being caught in the middle. The only advice I can give is to be fair and have the same rules for both daughters - so if dd2 is refusing that dd1's boyfriend be allowed in the house then her own boyfriend should not be allowed in the house. You basically say there is one set of rules for everyone. If she wants her bf round then she has to accept her sisters bf round. I would also be trying to get them to become more respectful to yourself - a good technique my mum used was asking me to put myself in her position. It's a tricky one and I wish you all the best!

if I tell DD1 her boyfriend is banned from the house then she is going to feel like I’ve chosen her sister over her. If I don’t tell DD1 he is banned, DD2 says like she feels I don’t respect her boundaries and she will move out and cut all contact

a bit to unpick from this

DD2 is emotionally blackmailing you to get her own way - if you don't side with me and ban sites boyfriend then Im going to move out and cut contact - this is a Hugh red flag of behaviours - which in some ways you've seen as bullying - but it is emotional blackmail and a rather nasty trait.

That needs to be stopped and is an issue, eb shouldn't be happening to you as mum.

Either both boyfriends can come to the house or neither and that is your choice - not anyone elses

If it were me id tell both girls that both their boyfriends are welcome and if thats not acceptable they are welcome to move to other accommodation as you will not be blackmailed into doing what someone else wants - its not acceptable behaviour. It would be a shame if she moved out but that is definitely her choice and no-one else is forcing her to make those choices. The door will always be open for her to return or visit. They are both welcome to live at home but they do need to be respectful and behave own a respectful manner towards you.

end of be respectful to others at home and no boyfriends overnight just during the evening or daytime.

If she tries again to imply you are forcing her don't argue back - that is your stance, with friends are welcome and you will not be blackmailed - keep stating the same - I will not be emotionally black mailed, I am not being blackmailed by you