Am I a bad mother for liking my step-daughter more

This is what I was going to say.

Our society is so dumbed down now, achievement and wisdom are almost despised in our schools and children are encouraged to parrot the latest acceptable tropes instead of being taught to think for themselves. Kids seem to be taught with iPad apps instead of books and attention spans are falling. There is only so much a parent can do within this milieu.

Im guessing your SD was raised in France, judging by the book list.

I think the world view your daughters have is limited, due to their lack of exposure in certain areas.

You're not a bad mother for the way you feel.

I have 2 daughters with the same age gap yours have. They're a bit older, but I would feel like you if they just followed the latest trend and swore by tiktok.

My girls both left home for university, they do travel and embrace other cultures. My youngest just did a solo trip to Spain, to help with her Spanish.

They're not perfect by any means, but they're intelligent and articulate themselves well.

People are blaming you for the way they are, but I think that's unfair. Your girls are like a lot of people their age in the UK. They may change a bit in time (they're still young) , but they need to get out and have different experiences.

Although I was born here, I don't originate from the UK, so my daughters have another culture and I think that plays a big part in it.

As a child, I spent some time living out of the UK and that made me different and more aware of more than the latest trend, even though social media wasn't a thing back then.

Do you have friends of your own op? Perhaps the problem

This is a very honest and interesting thread @Clariey . Im raising a teenage girl and I do worry about her becoming trapped in a SM mindset, so I encourage conversations on all things and appreciate her challenging my thinking and vice versa.

I breathed a sigh of relief recently when she asked me the basis of my beliefs on certain topics and whether I ever think I may be on the wrong side of an argument. I thought phew - critical thinking is happening.

Your stepdaughter sounds a fantastic young woman, but keep communicating with your daughter's; who may yet mature in their thoughts; especially if they're having thought provoking conversations.

You are more like your daughters than you think. Just like their fascination with all things insta you too have been influenced and dazzled by this bright new thing.

But like everything that dazzles the shine will wear off and you will realise that the bond between you and your daughters is the one that is real.

So I see it as you have a good personality match. She isn't your daughter and you get on well almost as a friend. Nothing wrong with that. And nothing wrong with not having a friendship with your daughters. They are your daughters and you are their parent.

Not all mothers and daughters share the same interests and opinions.

Your step daughter is your husbands daughter and you don't have a mother daughter bond. Enjoy the little friendship you have and don't worry about it.

But his daughter and your daughters aren't on the same hierarchy in your family as in you and your daughters.... so I don't see the need to compare! If that makes sense.

Naaa, you are just bored and she is a novelty. When the novelty wears off, you won't like her more.

I think though what people are picking up on is a tendency in young people to not think for themselves. There is a lot of group think culture at present - and a lot of pressure to go along with it.

I hear what you are saying about happiness, and yes, of course that matters. But I think what people worry about is how happy can you really be if just getting swept along without really feeling able or equipped to explore your own thoughts? There are an awful lot of things that come to us pre-packaged and pre-labelled today. People deride religion for this, but it’s similar in terms of its rigidity. The philosophy - such as it is - is also built on fundamental fallacies such as being about tolerance when in fact that is being hijacked to mean toleration is key so long as it’s not an attitude they can’t tolerate themselves. It also boxes and labels people who don’t fit in with their dictates. In this environment, it’s small wonder that op finds it refreshing to meet a young person who says “ I can see room for that argument.”

I think you sound pretentious. You SD is from another county so she has a different culture which is novel and so interesting to you.

Your daughters might hear stuff on social media but that doesn’t mean that those opinions are just regurgitated, they obviously appeal to their world view. Social media gives us different perspectives and so they’re listening to the ones that appeal to them. They probably tire of you trying to debate with them whenever you question their opinion and demand they go and read x y or a to get better informed.

They sound like nice young girls who are just trying to live their lives and learn as they go. You’re expecting them to have concrete well informed political and social opinions when they’ve not even left home. And you view this as them being shallow.

You have no idea what your SD friendship group are like, her peers may be like her, trying to be cool by being alternative. You think she’s an independent thinker but it’s very unusual for people at that age to not want to fit in with the crowd.

i think people in the replies are taking it at face value that your daughters are brainwashed social media addicted boring girls. My bet is that they just don’t agree with you and are bored with your constant attempts to ‘challenge’ their views

Agreed. It actually shows a real intellectual
immaturity on OP’s part.

You've known your stepdaughter for less than a year. I'd imagine traits like "permanently upset about something" will start to grate eventually! And for what its worth, I think very very few people really form their own opinions. And that includes very intelligent, well-travelled & well-read people (I used to work in academia - academics are just as susceptible to groupthink and peer approval as anyone else IME). We're all influenced by peer groups, the desire for status and acceptance etc. My guess is your stepdaughter has her own niche / peer group / online subculture. She might not necessarily be any more independent-minded / exotic than your DDs. Genuinely original 19yos are pretty thin on the ground!

OP can I ask how you form your views on subjects? What did you study at university? I am curious about how you form your opinions and your rigour in accessing information available to you. Have you travelled through the Middle East and do you have friends from a range of countries in your social circle? Otherwise maybe you are so impressed by your SD because she is validating your own relatively limited understanding of the world. I’m assuming that your daughters did not go to university - why was that? If you have always taken an intellectually curious view then this seems very surprising. Picking up on their opinions on one of the most complex and intractable issues of modern times is quite an extreme example. I do remember many years ago a friends Spanish cousin came to our school for a term, we were so in awe of her, so desperate for her attention. I think you may be similarly in awe.

But the OP has raised two daughters who are into 'yawn' subjects, and perhaps the OP was too in the past and has only recently started thinking there is more to life. If the OP was always so interested in widening her horizons in terms of literature and politics, then she would have noticed how boring her children were long before now. Sounds like the daughters haven't changed, but the mother has - but she is now reaping what she has sewn in terms of her daughters' personalities and interests. The OP reminds me of a man whose head has been turned by a younger woman in a way.

@Clariey You’re not a bad mother. You sound like a wonderful mother.

Your DC sound pretty typical of many of their age group. Informed by social media. I have disagreements over politics etc with my DC of a similar age. I don’t let them get heated. I challenge them on the evidence for their arguments. IMHO, it teaches them how to reason and to be fully informed. And DC of that age will often wind their parents up by saying stuff they know will antagonise. I remember I used to. They’ll rarely tell you you’ve shaped their views, even though you have.

It’s wonderful you get on so well with your SD. She may become a lifelong friend. But the key is not to compare anyone with anyone else. We’re all different because of our different experiences and influences. You have a very different relationship with her than with your DDs: you met her as an adult.

Carry on enjoying all of their company. Encourage your DDs to tell you about their experiences (e.g dates) and views in their own way. It’s good they talk to you and you can reason with them and explain your views and thoughts. They’re learning from you how to be a well-informed, reasoned woman.

Exactly this. PP said she perhaps wants more for her daughters. OP described DD’s as happy, intelligent and kind. While describing DSD as intelligent and fundamentally dissatisfied with life and the world.

Listen. I have been a jaded intellectual since childhood and it took me into my late 30’s before I started to find the joy in letting go and enjoying things the way that seems to come natural to OP’s DD. No, I would never be caught dead watching reality shows or even owning a tv. I had my books and Russian literature doesn’t read itself.

I’d rather my children just be happy, intelligent and kind to be perfectly fucking honest. I don’t exactly yearn for them to live with the kind of dissatisfaction with life OP describes as being a clear part of her DSD’s personality.

… will only make them defensive.

Honestly, OP, I would suggest doing a course or other intellectual study - gaining a qualification if possible - and showing your own daughters by your own example that there’s more to life than TikTok. Talking to them w

Perhaps.

You have an adult friendship with your stepdaughter OP - that's the difference. Your judgement is clouded by her being your stepdaughter, but in reality, she's a friend you get on with because you have loads in common and like each other's company. Don't compare the relationship with the mother/daughter bond you have with your daughters because it's not the same at all.

The difference in all the girls dispositions is interesting:

I don’t think she is happy or at least not as happy as my daughters. She seems to be permanently upset about something, the world is never quite to her likening, her standards and expectations are always very high but that’s the only flaw I ever really see.

That's a very hard way to navigate life. You should be proud that you raised your DDs in a way to feel secure enough to approach life as happy and fun.

You suggest that DSD had to mature fast due to her circumstances and correct me if I am wrong but you both seem to sneer at your DDs for being a typical teenager and 21year old?

I get the impression that your DSD is a bit of fun sponge - does she hang out socially with your DD? Do you both have the same slightly negative and serious energy - is there space to your to incorporate their frivolity and lightness into you and your DSD lives similiar to your desire that they incorportate political and historical depth of current affairs into theirs?

And perhaps many women get their PHD’s while unwinding watching trash tv with their friends, all while having beautiful nails and 3 thousand instagram followers:

perhaps that’s just fine and she should be happy women have the choice to live in a way that makes them happy while in fact taking time to disagree with their parents on political views.

But if we don’t pit women against each other and make it clear certain interests make them inferior how will we ever feel good about ourselves!?

I bet you like the colour pink too, because you’ve been TOLD TO! Not because it’s independently a beautiful colour or makes you happy or anything like that. Typical girl! 😉

Maybe op wants more for her daughters than nails and Love Island. Perhaps op cobsiders those things very “ yawn.”

OP can you stop comparing these girls? They haven’t entered a competition. There are things about your SC that really strike a chord with you. Great. You adore your DC whilst rolling your eyes at some of their attitudes. Fine. It’s all normal and OK unless you make a crisis of it.

I think the trouble here is that you’re comparing them to each other because of their age and relation to you. If your SD was ten years older and a colleague, you might enjoy conversation with her and not even think about your daughters in the same context. Your dd’s are very young and will change so much over the decades. I don’t recognise the girl I was at 19/21, I couldn’t have backed my opinions up as well then as I can now either. Also, it’s not always fun to have those kinds of conversations with your parents. At that stage of life, young people are often desperate to be independent and tired of listening to their parents. So you telling them to read about this or that is likely to be met with resistance. Once they fly the nest and have lived independently for a while, the relationship changes and that resistance might drop a bit. My point is, try not to compare. Your dd’s have so much time ahead of them to develop and learn from the world. You can enjoy your sd’s company in a different way and that’s ok.