Am I a bad mother for liking my step-daughter more

Saying that anyone who understands the situation properly will inevitably be completely on the side of the Palestinians is vacuous. Anyone intellectually honest will always have the door open to the fact that they might be wrong, on any subject. But it sounds like the OP's kids don't understand the situation at all and are not capable of even the most basic conversation about it. It doesn't have to be a debate, it could be that you all agree with each other, but any decent conversation involves some examination of why you hold the views you hold. Otherwise you are just bouncing the same opinions back and forth and it never goes anywhere.

OP, it's possible that your DDs are just less mature than your SD. Those few years can make a huge difference. It could also be that as adults you will have a mother-daughter relationship but not so much of a 'friends'-type relationship. Sometimes that's the way it is but I imagine in ten years your DDs might be quite different and feel more like your equals.

I feel very sorry for your daughters because unless they are totally oblivious i am in a similar boat. I don't live with my Mum and neither does my Mum bf's daughter but everything she says about her seems to be a little dig at me. '[daughters name] is a foody, she cooks wonderful meals for us' [daughters name] is frightfully clever' the most hurtful was when she spent Christmas with them and said pointedly ' its so nice to have children in the house at Christmas again' knowing full well that i can't have kids and his daughter has two step children. It's like she is trying to replace her kids with better ones cos both her kids are disabled and great disappointments to her. Please, don't let your daughters feel like this, please.

My DS is the same on Israel, very black and white, and no interest in learning the history of how the borders came into existance, he seems to want to believe that Israel has been launching unprovoked wars on its peaceful neighbours for decades, and that the Israelis can all go back to Europe. We don't talk about it anymore, I couldn't stomach his dismissal of the Hamas rape, massacre and hostage taking as 'whataboutery'.

I am very critical of the Israeli response, but also of Hamas refusal to return the hostages, but that's seemingly a moral failure of mine.

It gets to a stage that it's willful ignorance, and it's so dissapointing when your kids engage in this. It's absolutely not the OPs fault that her young adult kids think this way, as a PP claimed. They get carried away by their idealogical purity, and being on the right side, nuance goes out the window.

I hate having topics I can't discuss with my kids, but Palestine and Trans issues are off the table in our house.

I'm not sure why there is a need to compare?

Yes you are right it is like a crush. Wonder if the op is generally someone who gets their head turned by new people.

Try not to see it as liking your step daughter more than your daughters.
You have had your daughters from birth, they grew inside your womb, and you raised them.
The relationship with your step daughter will be entirely different and not even comparable. You met her as an adult, and she will be more like a friend than a daughter.

Try to see it as a positive that you have formed such a great relationship with your step daughter.
You don't need to feel any guilt.
It would be different if they were children, but all 3 are adults.
I think the mistake you are making is comparing the relationship with your SD with the relationship you have with your daughters. They will naturally be completely different, but this doesn't mean you love your daughters less.
It just means you have bonded with your step daughter.

Encourage your DDs to tell you about their experiences (e.g dates)

I agree 100% with this approach. IMHO all your DD's happiness and successes through life will depend on their emotional intelligence and how successfully, or not, they navigate and negotiate intimate relationships. As mothers this is where our life experience and wisdom can guide and support our daughters more so than re-directing to some intellectual source. This is especially important to this age group of women who have to contend with young males raised with Andrew Tate as their role model.

Interesting. Maybe this is a thing. When we were teenagers, my stepfather sometimes used to compare me and my sibling to his own child and find them lacking. (We were the resident kids though so that was different.)

As an adult I think maybe it was reflecting his own insecurities in some way. Stepkids are the ultimate comparison - maybe he was harder on her than on us because he wasn’t responsible for creating us. In your case, I would focus on what’s great about your kids instead.

BTW, my step-sibling is great and my SF massively underrated them as a teenager - though not so much later on. However, they were still trying to gain his approval years later and felt they had to work hard at the relationship.

@Clariey i think you would see step daughter differently if you have helped raise her .
You have met an adult that interests you and sounds like friend type relationship than mother and child .

Can you see it like you need more than being a parent . ?
Maybe you should focus on studying something that fulfills a little more of you?

We are very Americanised and I hate it too but it’s there reality for our kids in the uk these days . Yours will grow out of it and move on .
Seems step daughter hasn’t been Americanised .

I don't think it's bad to feel that way personally, it's just about how you relate to people slightly more and sounds like, at present, you relate more to your SD. It may change over time but suspect it just feels fresher and newer to speak to her and hear her opinions.

You love them all and that's the most important thing.

Exactly this!
This is what I was thinking.

@BoredZelda I agree entirely with your post.

Did she?

"I think their heart is in the right place and they are wonderfully kind girls (more so than my step daughter, who is more cautious with her kindness)."

Different values - fun and kind vs serious and less kind ? Maybe they could all take this opportunity to learn a bit from being exposed to each other? That would require you to get out of the way, stop sneering and encourage the girls to nurture their step-sisterhood which will potentially have a much longer lifetime relationship than the one with you.

My MIL has 3 children. She is my best friend and we spend a lot of time together. She would rather have a conversation and spend time with me, than them. It doesn't mean she loves them any less, or me any more.

I would say it's similar here, you see her as a friend who you enjoy spending time with.

Your daughters sound normal. You sound sneering and mildly out of touch.

I feel like this thread is very outing due to the specifics you have given, and if I found out my mother was telling the world how bored she was of my one-dimensional thinking compared to my wonderful shiny new stepsister, I would be pretty miffed.
It’s ok to celebrate one person without using that to tear someone else down.
It doesn’t sound like by constantly challenging their opinions that you are getting any closer to the perfectly well-rounded daughters you are hoping for so it may be time to try a different approach and celebrate them for who they are rather than being constantly disappointed by who they are not.

Stepdaughter's mother obviously did a great job on raising a mature, independent woman with her own opinions. Maybe you should look at what you did differently. Nature and nurture have a big influence on who we are.

See I really disagree here, there are definitely some topics my children do just regurgitate opinions on and having directed them towards seeking other sources of information have been told flat out now. Such as I often fear my children lack the nuance and depth necessary to understand the war in Gaza. They often times sound almost anti-Semitic in the way they speak and defend this attitude with simple one liners. They have no idea of the history, and refuse to take the time to learn it.

You said they were intelligent, but now you claim they aren’t smart enough to understand geopolitics? “Sound almost anti-Semitic” is probably coded for “they don’t agree with Israel” I completely understand the history, the nuance and the depth of the situation and frankly I can’t understand how anyone who does wouldn’t be entirely on the side of the Palestinian people. Perhaps they give you one liners and are refusing your “education” because they know there is no point in debating it with you as you assume anyone who disagrees isn’t as smart as you.

Now I don’t really mind if at their ages they don’t want to go on a deep dive of history to understand, however it does bother me that they take their one dimensional understanding and use it as an excuse to be horrid at times.

Now you’re saying young people don’t want to learn history? Are they “horrid” or are they saying something you should listen to but don’t want to?

I don’t deny social media has a place in learning now, it does however there is no amount of 60 second TikTok’s that will give someone a rounded view on a situation like the war in Gaza.

If you think social media is simply “60 second TikToks” it’s you who needs more education.

My stepdaughter on the other hand, sits far more neutral on the subject, admits that she doesn’t have a full grasp of the situation but is happy to learn, talk to people, read books and articles, learn about the history etc.

“My stepdaughter is totally politically unaware so will listen to my view politely and pretend she cares”

Its not that I disagree with my children’s political views as I don’t really, we all as a family sit on the left, however it bothers me when they can’t back their opinions up, I think that’s a really important skill.

“I raised my children not to challenge my views and now I’m annoyed when they do, and don’t accept any of their evidence so I think their opinion is invalid”

I think their heart is in the right place and they are wonderfully kind girls (more so than my step daughter, who is more cautious with her kindness) but they haven’t yet developed the maturity to understand that the vast majority of things in life don’t have a clear right and wrong.

When you are young, things are more black and white. As they should be. This is the generation who will affect change and you don’t do that by sitting chatting about nuance for hours on end.

I also know they get their stubbornness from me, and at 18-22 I was probably equally shocked to be told I was wrong and reluctant to admit that I didn’t know everything!

“I raised them to be like me and now I’m pissed off they are being like me towards me.”

In many ways I think what it comes down to is for various reasons (childhood and culture) step-daughter is mature beyond her years, I think this can make my children look immature in comparison when really they are exactly where they are meant to be at their ages. Maybe I ought to feel more sadness that step-daughter has been forced to grow up quickly and mature faster than anyone really should.

It’s nothing to do with culture. You raised your kids. They are what you made them. If you don’t like them, that’s on you, not them.

I think, however, the worry is that these somewhat “ juvenile” attitudes are persisting through to people well beyond their teens.

I definitely think part of this is the step daughter not being from the UK. Of course she will have different thoughts and totally different upbringing, which might make her more interesting and less likely to follow trends etc. Late teenage girls from the UK are often quite similar, following trends and with a huge focus on social media - but I imagine your daughters will grow out of this? When you were 19/21 you were probably also following what your friends did, what you read in magazines etc!
I don't think it's necessarily bad you are getting on better with the step daughter, but I would be careful not to make it obvious to your actual daughters.

YANBU
It's quite easy to love someone - possibly unconditionally - but to prefer the company of someone else
I love my mum and dad, and would (and have) dropped anything to be with them when they needed it
But there are easily dozens of people I'd rather spend time with, talk to, discuss things with
This is perfectly normal and reasonable
As long as you continue to show your own children the love and care you have done so far, this will not be an issue with them

It’s generational.

Most parents of young adults grew up pre-internet. We had to read (books, newspapers, magazines) or watch mainstream TV for our information. Doom scrolling, poorly-informed wannabes spouting nonsense, and likes are a whole different kettle of fish.

Plus, young adults tend to want to rebel. If you have a mother who’s well-informed and bookish, if you were taken to museums and art galleries as a kid, one way to rebel is to be vacuous. Especially if that’s the zeitgeist. Far from being a reflection of poor parenting, it can be pushback against good parenting.

They’ll be OK as they get older.

Though typical of the attitudes we are concerned about …

This is not a criticism of you. You’re obviously trying to be thoughtful about this. You’re very very lucky to have a nice stepchild. She’s 19 though so not in the adult friend category. Don’t elevate her like that. Most importantly she’s also a kid just like yours, who needs you to make her feel secure at your home. Focus on that. it sounds like she has been through a lot of difficult life experiences. Of course she feels like she has to befriend you and impress you. She’s on her absolute best behaviour. That’s exhausting. Let her know she can relax with you. You accept her in a maternal way, she’s always welcome, you’re not going anywhere. She doesn’t have to perform for you to be accepted.

When she’s older in five years or so and not living with you, then maybe she can be your adult friend if you are both lucky.
In the meantime work on your own social life with adults your age. Let your daughters be who they are. They sound fine- raising kind girls is great.

Wow. What a response.