Am I a bad mother for liking my step-daughter more

Most people would prefer people to be down to earth than a stuck up snob….

I think it’s fine. In the same way you might enjoy a friend’s company more than your children’s for certain conversations.

You didn’t raise her so you don’t have that parental role in her life. She’s a nice adult and you like her, just be pleased with that.

This doesn’t mean you don’t love your daughters - although I imagine if you’re all together it might make it hard for your children who might vie for your attention or particularly dislike your step child.

She’s just ‘new’

Her background is highly relevant here imo. I mentioned my adopted daughters and how they zoom in on mother figures and make them feel amazing. Well-adjusted kids don't do this. They know they are loved and valued and they don't seek affirmation everywhere they go.

Perhaps this girl wants your admiration and is giving you what you want. She is in a vulnerable situation - away from home, lost her mother.

I would say to be careful. You may not be seeing the real her. My daughter used to bring home friends who apparently adored me - they all turned out to be incredibly damaged and some seriously crazy stuff happened in the end. But it was lovely at first when I was basically being love bombed. I was also so much more enjoying their company. All an illusion unfortunately.

I'm a reasonably intellectual free thinker, and I think that Love Island is vapid, watched by some as aspirational but many as modern day bear baiting. Literally pastic people desperately faking emotions so they can be influencers. It's tragic in a Brave New World way.

So when your daughters like popular things they’re victim to following trends and when your DSD loves Taylor swift its.. an intellectual decision of her own free will? And nothing to do with her extreme popularity?

It's nothing to do with the way your daughter's were brought up. Ignore everyone saying that. I have five sons, I love them all but three of them are very different to me personality wise and two are very similar. I hate to say it but I think it's about whether you are an intellectual thinker or not. Just because you gave birth to them it doesn't mean you will automatically get on like a house on fire once they're adults. Don't beat yourself up, as long as your girls know you love them it's fine.

Stepdaughter is kind of misleading here because you haven’t really known this woman as a child and raised her with all the deep complexities that generates with both bio and stepchildren. You have found someone you are enjoying on the level of a friend, whereas your children are not your friends, they’re your kids. That’s it. It’s like of course I like my friends in a more sociable way than I like my kids. That’s why we have friends. I wouldn’t complicate it with the ‘daughter’ issue as this woman isn’t your daughter in any substantial way. (I’m comparing here as a stepmum who has been in DSD’s life since she was 6, and been there to raise her through different stages and see all the ways she is flawed and brilliant, as with my own kids. Meeting an adult who I have shared interests with doesn’t even compare really.)

That's like my dream, for my kids friends to think I'm fun and cool! That and getting on Live Island 40 somethings edition.

People who have had difficult childhoods are often forced to ‘grow up’ too quickly. I work in mental health and I do not feel that this is a good thing.

Well for starters it is deeply inappropriate in an adoptive situation. My daughter has already had numerous mothers - birth mother, two foster mothers, me, and she doesn't need another one. The removal of a child from birth mother is potentially catastrophic in terms of attachments. Adoptive families have to spend years growing these attachments. You don't just welcome a 2 year old into your family and that's that. Adoption is incredibly complex and the mother figure for these children is often highly fraught because of previous experiences. My daughter and I had years of attachment therapy because all her previous mothers had "abandoned" her. The last thing someone like this needs is another mother figure, especially one who never has to set boundaries, get her to do her homework etc. Just treats and positive interactions. That sets a child up for "splitting", where there is "good" mummy" and "bad" mummy and therapists will have a field day with this as well. We were told up front about this playing out- apparently people often act like adopted kids are public property. They feel able to take liberties they wouldn't with someone's birth child and, like I've explained, the child is often thrilled to have the attention without the attachment.

Agree with this. And please don't let your daughters catch on to how you feel.

The OPs kids aren't saying they know nothing about Israel Palestine, they are spouting simplistic views without any knowledge. OP isn't setting them politics quizes before breakfast, they are sharing their willfully ignorant views.

Why do we need to put these young people in boxes anyway? It’s not that black and white. My young adult daughter loves Love Island and is always saving up for the latest lipgloss she saw on TikTok. She is also passionate about the environment and is studying STEM at Oxbridge.

These young people are starting out and developing personalities. And they will be affected by many external factors. I changed so much in my twenties. How about we don’t write these young women off aged 19 and 21?

Just for perspective, my 60yo friend has a mum who was born in 1940 (not 1920!)

@ Clariey, Not the point of this thread but what books has she recommended to you that have left you feeling haunted and changed as a person?

Wow your SD has had a really challenging, emotionally neglectful/abusive childhood and her experiences are still very current and will have shaped how she currently chooses to show up in the world. Totally understandable but she is likely emotionally immature/stunted through her adverse experineces and even though this doesnt present on the outside she is vulnerable and has so much healing and growth to go through. It seems she may be seeking your approval the only way she knows how by impressing / performing for your intellectually.

I think that your original post is possibly because you unconsciously sense that this dialogue is a deeper emotional maternal connection?

There is nothing like living/working in another country to develop maturity and wisdom. It should be encouraged for everyone. My understandinng of the world was greater after working in Euope for 5 years and for 1 year in the US. I can sympathise with your frustration that your daughters regurgitate what they see on social media without really thinking about it. It seems to be the problem with that generation, I hope they grow out of it. I thank goodness that it wasn't available when I was in my teens, and that I can see two sides to arguments.

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Theyre young! They are liberal and following trends because that’s what you do. Give them a break, you don’t have kids to be intellectually stimulated by them

Your step daughter sounds very mature indeed. No wonder, you describe a difficult childhood, being raised in two countries with what can be deemed an abusive mother who passes at a formative age. These sorts of experiences will expose someone to unfairness and nuance in their own situation and in the wider world too.

It’s not the use of social media but rather the lack of awareness that social media (just as much as traditional media) can be wrong and any solid view point comes from having looked at something from all angles. This is something you probably should have addressed with your girls earlier. Understanding different view points within the media, media bias, different perspectives through the lens of history - these are all discussions you can have with your children from primary school age and onwards. It then becomes more important still when they are actively using social media. I would say it’s never too late to start those discussions though.

She’s a new exotic bird, fascinating because she’s different. Once you get used to her your crush may fade. She also isn’t your daughter, you can have a different kind of relationship with her.

I like your honesty.

She never said she dislikes her daughters! Just that she likes her stepdaughter more! Nothing to cry to the winds about!

Don't feel bad! It's perfectly normal to LOVE someone, but not LIKE them. I know how terrible it can make you feel, I have had times when I liked other kids more than my son, and I think I felt bad because I knew I had raised him better! I love him more than life and I adore him, I know my son is a lot younger than your girls (he turns 16 in a couple of months), so he is still maturing, he had a period when everything he'd found on YouTube was Scripture! But he's outgrown that. Your daughters will, too, once they start living their lives away from the safety of their home. Remember this: YOU ARE NOT A BAD MOTHER and the people who have said that are horrible! And your stepdaughter is not a new shiny toy, she is probably someone you resonate with more, and there's nothing wrong with it!