Am I a bad mother for liking my step-daughter more

They are very young women. Let them enjoy what they enjoy? What an extremely weird way to look at your daughters. They are not the same age as you and don’t have the same life experience.

"how brain-dead we are letting our society become."

Go and talk to some old people who read the tabloids and never even use social media. There have always been uninformed people, not that OP's daughters are particularly uninformed.

I think you don't need to worry or beat yourself up over this reaction. She sounds like a great SD and she fits into your family and doesn't make any trouble.

"I doubt it’s got anything to do with how they were raised (as some people seem to be saying) but just different personalities and experiences. "

Where do you think personalities and experiences come from?

You remind me of my mother and my SIL's, she always preferred them to me. She tried to hide it at first but as time went on and more SIL's were acquired it was impossible for her. There was one SIL who she clearly adored and the funny part is looking back, that woman was a pure bitch, two faced and generally a terrible person.

But she was very pretty and could be witty and my mother judged people on their looks so they were close.

I used to resent it, it was so obvious that she loved her a lot more than me. Then I got older and realized they were both shallow women and I was happy to be left out.

Your daughters know how you feel and if you think you're hiding it you're not.

Well no doubt, because I think she has raised a good and important point.

I personally think the whole guilt/stepdaughter/dd dynamic is a bit peripheral. I think the real substance in op’s post is about how brain-dead we are letting our society become.

You probably find your step dd more interesting because she is different and new. She is from another culture as well, so it is all so fascinating. She is also a little older then your girls, so maybe more mature. Okay, not by much, but perhaps she has had other experiences that has led to her being more mature.

You can't help how you feel and it's great that you really like, and are getting on with, your stepdaughter.

However try your best not to show your daughters that you (almost) prefer their half sister. They will mature more in time, you'll see.

In all honesty I think of myself at 19 and I was an absolute airhead hanging about a boy that was no good for me and going back like the outcome would change. Even at 22 I didn’t mature much.

I have only really come into myself through working (hard I may add), putting myself out there with new people and experiences. I am now 36 but I would say I was about 28 before I felt mature enough to hold a thought provoking conversation (confidently!!)

They have had different experiences in life and shaped different but your post comes across like you have put your step daughter on a pedistal and you are comparing your daughters…it comes across like they aren’t good enough in your eyes. As much as you love them and say that out loud your actions around them will be picked up by them too

I don’t disagree with you at all. In fact I’m a big Aldous Huxley fan ! However, smart people can enjoy stupid things for many reasons. Even the most successful and very intelligent people. Sometimes it’s just a social thing, something easy to bond over. Something that doesn’t take any brain energy. An escape.
No real different to, say, a football game. I just think women get unfair criticism for anything they enjoy. “Oh, you like Taylor swift ? I like rocket science - we aren’t the same” like okay but you can enjoy both it isn’t that deep. You know what I mean?

I don't get this. There's nobody in the world ir rather spend time with than my children and everyone else is in their shadow in my opinion. Even on their bad days.

I know people have concerns at the lack of critical thinking skills of young adults in general. They seem to associate this with a questionable level of intellect, however they are young and impressionable and I’m sure they’ll find their way.

People might not like to hear this, but what terrifies me is that billions of people believe in a god. If we’re talking about lack of critical thinking, I will say faith (every single one so there is no discrimination there) is the most widespread example of a lack of critical analysis. That’s not to be disrespectful but to point out the advances in science and technology yet people still believe with nothing but blind faith. That’s their prerogative but it illustrated nicely that critical analysis/skills doesn’t alway equate to intelligence

You're overthinking all of this. Your daughters are probably a bit immature because they've never been exposed to visiting parents living in different countries like your step-daughter did. She grew up faster and learnt to think for herself because it was the reality she lived with both parents living in different cultures and countries.

There is also the reality, hugely unacknowledged in MN, that as adults we connect differently with our children. We love them but it doesn't mean necessarily that we "like" them. They are adults with their own personalities that can't necessarily be blamed on a family environment - genetics, friends and society at large are as decisive as family education.

You are a great mom with daughters you love and in turn, trust you. You also have a lovely relationship with a step-daughter that was a stranger a few months ago. Enjoy it. Your DDs may be boring to have a conversation with today but they'll change and mature sooner than you can blink your eyes, while still created a solid adult foundation with your step s/d.

It's a win/win.

My DD has an exceptionally distinguished academic record. She is also totally at home with Tik Tok, fashion, and all the forms of popular culture you'd expect a young woman in her 20s to be into. It doesn't have to be either/or. The OP's concern is that her daughters ONLY have social media/popular culture shaping their thinking and she wishes they had more hinterland, as her DSD has, and knew how to formulate a fact-based argument. I think that's fair enough. In terms of politics, a lot of young people experience a formative event that switches them on to political realities - like the trebling of tuition fees or, for a much earlier generation, the Vietnam War. I'd recommend discussing their earliest political memories with them and asking them what they took from that. And encourage them to make links between their own lives and politics - e.g. why will they find it so difficult to buy a property of their own?

Sorry have only read the OP and first few replies so apologies if this has already been said repeatedly.

@Clariey I think I wouldn't discount the 'you are not my mother' distance factor here. Your step daughter who as you said initially you didn't really know is probably relating to you more as she would any adult who is a stranger. She may very well be burbling about her dates in a similar way to your daughter to her own mother - or if not quite the same at least closer.

If you compared your daughter talking to an adult she doesn't know as well or in a work situation with your step daughter talking to her own mother, the gulf may not seem so wide.

There could also be a maturity issue here. Critical thinking is something that most intelligent people develop more strongly as they get older and people develop at different rates depending on their life experince.

Someone who has had a sheltered life in an all girls school and never worked will mature later than someone who had a part time job dealing with the public, was in mixed education with a wide variety of people from different backgrounds and has seen more 'real life'.

The lack of critical thinking + getting news from social media is the subject of a fair amount of political science research these days. Women like your daughters are voters. When you look at which and how many politicians of each major party in the UK is on TikTok, the correlation with election results is terrifying.

It's nothing new. When I was your DD's age I definitely had a moment or two when I thought voters should have a minimum two A-Levels at pass grade to be eligible to vote (I hang my head in shame).

As long as your DDs aren't refusing to think critically, and are open-minded, this is just a prompt for you to help them delve a bit deeper. Don't stop at letting them repeat verbatim whatever they saw on their phones. Keep digging, but without criticism and only curiosity. And make news accessible around them: have the radio on, leave magazine articles lying around, discuss at the dinner table etc.

And, even if they're not interested and are happy as they are: well, there's nothing you can do about it. Everyone is entitled to research as/if they see fit. As their parent, however, I would be making sure that they realise they are being used. If they're ok with that: fine. But at this age they may feel the "we can't stop it so why bother" apathy and THAT is what you have a duty to work on imo.

You sound rather like the op

It’s fine if they ARE going to develop, but I think what worries op is that they are just tuned in to a whole other wavelength that isn’t leading in that direction. I don’t think this is an unjustified fear.

There are some seriously immature “adults” coming out of their youth these days - so much so that some of them I still think of as teens or early twenties then get a shock when I actually do the maths. A lot of it is because the views propounded are “don’t look too close” 👀 reasonings. They sound snappy. They sound sassy. They sound superficially appealing. However they don’t stand up to scrutiny, so scrutiny is discouraged.

So there are 2 points I'd like to make. The first is do not compare your kids to anyone they are unique and teenagers go through phases ,comparison can be so damaging and be carried through future relationships. I say this having experienced this first hand. I was regularly compared to a girl my mum perceived as a saint when really she was far from and this was very upsetting to me as I always felt like I was not good enough . The 2nd point is I dont think you are a bad person for having more in common with your step daughter right now at this point in life as that doesn't define your love it sounds more like a friendship where you gel with her ( probably because she's not your own) you dont get involved in as many decisions about her life im guessing or get as protective over her hence generating a defense. Teens in general rebel against parents so it's way easier to relate to one that isn't yours because the sense of responsibility isn't the same. Im sure one day your girls will grow and maybe even become parents theirselves and the relationship will shift. It may even shift before . Take it as a phase and stop over analysing the fact you get on with your step daughter and have more common ground with her for now. It doesn't mean she is better or less than your kids you are allowed to form human connections and love your kids at the same time. The two things are separate and I'm sure you being a friend to your step daughter also makes it much easier for her to open up to you so it's just different like i said ! Enjoy the fact you have a healthy relationship with a step child and see if you can get some quality time and mutual ground with your own kids maybe try engaging in something they like and making an effort with it even in a small capacity if you want to relate some more

I think this is slightly skewing the point.

The point is not that noone intellectual can ever use social media. Rather, reliance on social media tends to expose people to less rigorously edited information and views. It also tends to attract people who like and are accepting of being told what to think - often because of the sound-bite or sensationalised delivery styles.

I don't use tiktok myself, but i assume out of its 1.8 billion users, some of them might be 'intellectuals'

Yes, this really. Your SD is not really any different than a colleague at work (as in you weren’t involved in her upbringing), of the same age who you get on with really well with. Would you be on here comparing a colleague to your daughters or just see her as a separate entity with no comparisons required?

I remember my cousin came and stayed for a fortnight when my sister and I weren’t there, when we were all in our teens, my cousin being a bit older. She enthused about how great our mum was, which we couldn’t see then though I could later. I suspect there’s an element of it being a grown up relationship while yours with your daughters is parent/child.

But also, she sounds really interesting, and exceptionally intelligent and engaged.

It feels like you are talking to a late teen/early 20’s girl? But that’s exactly what they are! They are just kids still. And they are different from your step daughter but that’s ok, we are all different. I doubt it’s got anything to do with how they were raised (as some people seem to be saying) but just different personalities and experiences. You might feel like you have more in common with your step daughter and that’s ok too. It’s not our job to raise children that are the same as us, like the same things, have all the same values, and by this age they are their own people. As you say, you love them. Enjoy having a close relationship with your step daughter. But if you want to ‘like’ your biological daughters more, then try to meet them where they are, be a bit less snobby (sorry, that’s how you come across!) and recognise and embrace their strengths and individuality. They might follow every trend, but that means they are perceptive. They might repeat political opinions expressed by influencers, but at least they are listening. They have loads and loads of time to develop their own opinions and knowledge base. Maybe you could challenge them by asking questions that help them think critically or by asking ‘but what do YOU think?’. Do they spend much time with their step sister? Because that might also help them broaden their horizons.