Am I a bad mother for liking my step-daughter more

What have they said that you think is anti-semitic?

I have a similar thing between my DH and my stepdaughters. He is an intelligent man but has dyslexia, and was sadly let down by both his parents and his piss poor education in terms of fulfilling any academic potential or learning about the world (he did not grow up in the UK). I love him but there are many things he just doesn't, and can't, get. He knows a great deal about certain things including his previous profession, but he has never read a book in his life and his understanding of things like literature, art, culture, history and science is pretty much limited to what I have manged to (surreptitiously) teach him over the years. When I met him he watched WWF wrestling as his main entertainment and talked to me confidently about Hitler having started both world wars...

My stepdaughters have been educated in London and each gone on to several university degrees in several different European counties, are both in professional careers allied to my own. They are very interesting people. They can talk about amything and everything with knowledge and confidence, and their politics is similar to my own. Where it differs they can debate with skill and respect. I love it when they come home (doesn't happen as often as I would like) as after 20 years with DH, much as I love him, I get tired of him talking about the same few topics in which he has interest, and his failing to understand the nuances of things and the history behind things that go on in the world. I can't give him book recommendations, for example, as he "doesn't like books" (yes, I know its because of the dyslexia, but its still hard never to be able to discuss a book). My stepdaughters and I are always recommending books or films to each other. I do feel guilty sometimes when I an feigning interest for the millionth time in the details of an engine that I have no interest in at all and wishing I could be talking to my elder stepdaughter about geopolitics or some scientific news...

I think the main difference is that your kids world is a lot smaller than your SDs world. They have lived in one country their whole lives and not even left home for uni whilst your SD has lived between different cultures and moved around and been independent for years already. This has given her a massive headstart but your DDs might get there too eventually, but they would need to want to get out there and experience a different type of life.

I have two kids the same age as your DDs and they had lived in 4 countries by the time we moved to my home country when they were mid-teens. They are very similar to your SD and not particularly interested in SM or the latest trends. They are very much intelligent individuals with their own style and opinions. They speak three languages and fairly knowledgable about what is going on in the world. I think it has just come naturally to them because we are all like that. I never saw the value of them just experiencing one type of life, one culture, one language etc.

I think if she’s been raised abroad, there may be different educational standards-she may have been challenged more to think independently to read books which stretch her intellect. In some other countries, it’s seen as cool to be bright and intellectually inclined-here, it’s more fit in with your peer group. You love your daughters because they’re your daughters but you are allowed to find other young people interesting especially if they are well read and have considered opinions. Try to think of her adding a new dimension to your family. My dil was raised overseas and is very well read, multi lingual and paints-all very different from my dear daughter who is smart and funny and at the same time watches Love Island and uses sun beds and lip filler. The fact she likes superficial things doesn’t change my love for her. Why not reframe it as not being disappointed in your daughters but as feeling fortunate you have a lovely interesting stepdaughter as well as your daughters who are dear to you?

So what you’re saying is you think your step daughter - who chooses to stay neutral on subjects of mass genocide, is somehow the smarter of the two?

Have you considered in fact that you do not have the correct answers here and your daughters aren’t discussing things with you because you believe they are influenced by social media and not, say, the mass bombings of literal hospitals and civillians being slaughtered on mass? There is plenty of very clear footage to be seen and being anti Zionist is not in any way anti semitic. This is why there is a huge movement of Jewish people protesting annd standing with Palestine; who insist when they say “never again” that means never again for anyone.

i think it just sounds like your SD is more mature than your dd's. I don't think it's unreasonable if you feel like rolling your eyes at the fact that your dd's get all their information from TikTok. It's a choice for them to get their information from there and it's not somehow disloyal to not be impressed.

I think you just keep challenging your dd's with the another point of view - make sure you can back up your points! You don't have to do it in a confrontational way of course. I also think you have to ask yourself how they got to this point - what age did they have phones? What age were they watching shows like Love Island etc? How important are superficial things like looks/clothes in their family home?

Agree whole heartedly. I think OP is doing her daughters a great disservice here. Just because they take joy in the little things and enjoying their life. Enjoying trends doesn’t squash their intelligence, and is in fact very valid socially,

The whole “not like other girls” vibe is very “pick me” and I suggest you do some digging into these phrases and understanding why you devalue women based on purely on their enjoyment of certain things.

Reminds me of my mother.

I was well-read (for my age), did well in school, was very interested in history and botany from a young age. And I did receive a lot of compliments from other adults.

but there was always somebody my mother seemed to consider to be better/worthier of her compliments etc. It was usually centred around athletics (I was not athletic at all), musicality (and how I was berated for my insufficient lack of musical talent) or simply of better „character“. Whatever THAT meant!

OP: these are the girls you raised. And you apparently did not raise them as people who have intellectually challenging conversations about politics or feminism.

but you also ought to consider that moving out (from your „first“/family home) and to an entirely different country will give people perspective. Your DDs don’t have that perspective (yet). And you are your DD‘s mother. They know you love them. They know that you’ll want to know what’s going on in their lives.

your DSD doesn’t have that same security. She (even if subconsciously) will probably try to be somebody you WANT to talk to.

I personally find it odd the role you expect your children to fill. They aren’t there to entertain and debate with you , what you describe seems more like a friend.

With regard to the stepdaughter, on the Gaza point is she not just staying neutral to be polite?

This is normal. It might be that your SD has had more averse experiences which have forged her personality and made her "interesting" whereas your daughters have lived a sheltered life and haven't been confronted to difficulties why they tend to be shallow. In time they will have their share I imagine and become more interesting perhaps. But it's fine to prefer having conversations with other people than your children.

She has moved out (effectively). Her home for most of her childhood was with her mother so she is now more of an adult living with fellow adults - it's a different relationship.

Your daughters are presumably free to be completely themselves without censoring any part of their personality. It's good that they have that freedom with you but your SD will.have less of that freedom. How ever welcome you make her, it's not her childhood home.

It's said that the traits we don't like in others often reflect the traits we don't like in ourselves.

@Clariey My younger daughter has said she finds step-daughter quite pretentious but then she is Italian and French so I think a slight air of pretentiousness is to be expected.

Good grief! But thank you for reminding me why I dislike this country so much.

There’s a better standard of education in a lot of European countries. Which produces more well rounded people. A sweeping statement but one which I have found to be largely true

I think in the uk children are given phones and social media at a young age. Shows like love island are often looked up to as an aim to be famous/rich. You say your daughter’s friends are the same. Your step daughter was brought up in a different country with a different type of society. I think the only way you can change the dynamics of conversations with your daughters is to challenge them more. For example another date that has gone the same way- point it out it’s a theme what could you change? What do you need etc? Your daughters are still young and they will grow up more and change in time. Maybe they are looking to you for guidance. But comparing them to your step daughter who you happen to have things in common with probably isn’t the best way to look at the situation.

I would say your daughters sound fun - I would rather hang out with them than discuss politics!! It’s good to have a grasp and understanding of what is going on in the world and ensure you are up to date - but you don’t HAVE to have an interest in politics to be an interesting human being. Why don’t you try taking an interest in what your daughters like and asking them questions?

I think you come across as a bit of a pretentious intellectual snob. Your daughters don't have to care deeply about the same issues as you in order to be intelligent, interesting people.

I think it's tricky for young people these days, there's a lot of #nodebate and you get more shamed for having the wrong opinion on something.

For me going away to university and meeting different people from different places was really transformative and horizon broadening. I don't know if that's as true now. I think there's only so much that you can do with today's culture for young people.

I'd try to as your DDs more questions, nothing complex but "what do you think?" when they start quoting.

From your follow-up post it seems like you’re having a fundamental disagreement with your daughters about Gaza and you’re disappointed they’re not toeing your line. The new SD doesn’t seem to have a grounding in that situation, she just isn’t very clued up on it by her own admission so is agreeing with you. Your daughters are probably finding their relationship with you difficult too.

Step daughter is probably a bit more worldly wise and mature due to her upbringing. Your girls are probably still like baby birds in the nest having always been home. They’ve had very different upbringings. Even being a much older child than siblings can make someone more mature, or being an only child, it’s as simple as that in my opinion.

So your daughter have different views and political opinions to you and aren’t neutral so the must only have tiktok views?

I think you are just on different wave lengths and possibly different political views so you assume they must be “trendy”

if your daughters recommended you a book would you even read it?

I'd hate to have a 20 something step daughter who recommended me haunting books. At a dinner party I'd cringe more being sat next to the step daughter than either of the daughters.