Am I a bad mother for liking my step-daughter more

Apple doesn't fall far from the tree maybe???

I think it's because she's "new" and your know your DDs so well that they're predictable and you probably take them for granted to a degree whereas someone new who didn't grow up with you is likely to be more interesting. If I'm out with my family we talk about the same old things but with new people we talk about different things...

Your daughters are not meant to be a source of entertainment and to cerebrally challenge you. Both of them are very young.
It’s ok to like talking to your step daughter and find her mentally stimulating but there’s no need to compare your daughters to them. Like you said you have very different backgrounds and raised differently. She’s probably had to grow up much more quickly as raised by a single mum who passed away when she was 16 years old. We all have different cards dealt in life.
I moved half way across the world at 18 years old and had to grow up super fast. Sometimes it’s your life situations that shape you as a person. Your daughters have the safety of being at home and being supported by their parents and not being forced out the door to get a qualification, job as quickly as possible which isn’t the case for your stepdaughter who probably feels more pressure to get a head start.

Making education a marketplace has placed the emphasis on constant testing. The universities changed first, having to pay their own way means as many international students as possible, competing with each other mean focusing on quantification- it's a large part of the GDP now, but universities will go down as students can no longer bring their whole family.

My comment was agreeing with her that her daughters actually are following anti semitic trend if they whisper “baby killers” when they walk by a synagogue. This is very extreme and I would pull them out of university or stop paying for it, personally

i wpuld be more than dismayed I would be questioning why I let schools indoctrinate my children instead of teaching them to think critically

That aside, your step daughter doesn’t sound any better off than them. At the end of the day your daughters seem happy and like they have potential to find a good mate and have a nice life. A young girl who is already cynical and dissatisfied is on a downhill trajectory

How do you mean independent thought? It's not what I get from the countries I'm somewhat familiar with. I'd say they're more into learning by rote than the UK, at least at secondary, maybe less so at university.

Also, in many other European countries the norm is to go to the nearest university either living at home or going home every single weekend so most young people's experience would be closer to OP's daughter than her step-daughter's.

They tend to be less afraid of potentially more subjective mark schemes and independent thought.
I think we’ve become - not unreasonably at one level - obsessed with measuring and ranking and levelling.

Eta I think there is also more focus on achievement vis a vis learning per se.

Ok and how is it different in other parts of Europe?

It’s ostensibly gone but replaced with formulaic templates for how to answer
“evaluate” or “analyse” style questions - which is almost more insidious. I mean at least when you are rote learning you realise aren’t thinking for yourself. These are syllabus-and-marking-rubric-constrained “what do you think” questions.

Subjects like maths are less affected. But even when they first start, most children are pushed through a phonics-based reading programme which is just too prescriptive and constrained for children who can jump to full words very naturally.

Don't it bother you. You don't dislike your daughter's, they just aren't intellectually interesting. That doesn't matter. You love all three and that is good.

Ahh the mum - daughter relationship dynamic! It’s a tricky one! I bet if your step daughters mum met your girls she would
think they were fascinating too. It’s perfectly fine to always love, but sometimes not like your children or their views etc. it sounds like you and your stepdaughter are forming more of a friendship which is lovely. It’s perfectly ok to want to be around friends rather than your kids isn’t it? So it’s probably just that!

Yeah, I totally see why you are dismayed by your daughter.

YANBU, OP.

"UK curriculum is the least progressive focused on knowledge gaining only and not a broader perspective. "

Can you elaborate on this? It's a long time since I was at school, but the focus on 'knowledge gaining only' e.g. learning by rote, memorising things, had long gone even by then.

I always thought I'd be prepared to really stretch financially if needed to give mine the chance to go away for uni so that's they can experience living somewhere else, meeting different people and having their perspectives expanded. I'm not trying to be judgemental of people that haven't done this, some will still be able to meet a good variety of people and gain this experience elsewhere, some will go abroad or move for work but many won't.

My worry is that it might not be enough if the university or other "coming of age" cultures are starting to reflect these societal trends themselves.

I REALLY hope so! My kids are still quite little so I’m just crossing everything things are shifting - but my heart really does break for the kids having to negotiate puberty and young adulthood in this bin fire.

The UK curriculum is the least progressive compared to other European countries, Canada, or the USA. It’s indeed terrible—merely focused on assessments—and you’re right, our children are products of this educational system and culture influenced by shallow values at present, which is sad. The only way to broaden their perspective is to have more exposure to new people, countries, and exchange programs—hopefully, ERASMUS will return, along with many more opportunities.

No, you're not a bad mother! You simply have someone highly intelligent at home who happens to be a similar age to your DDs. It’s natural to compare them in your mind—but a bit risky If felt by girls.

No guilty feelings pls! You’re already reflecting on your thoughts, which is an important step. The key is to remain fair to all three. Your SD comes from a different cultural and educational background and now has an advantage of having a broader perspective on things. Our girls are products of this culture, influenced by the shallow trends, social media, schools, and peers. UK curriculum is the least progressive focused on knowledge gaining only and not a broader perspective. Sending abroad for volunteering programs for few month, change people a lot.

Also, we often see ourselves, our own insecurities in our daughters. Try thinking back to yourself at your DDs' age. Were you as deep reader, thinker, or debater as your SD?

Look this way—it’s actually fantastic for your DDs to have a sister like her around at this age. They're gaining a new perspective on life without traveling! And honestly, it's great for her as well. It seems, your SD certainly needs a bit more chilled approach to things like boys, and social life, and learn to be less cynical and more kind which is your DDs strong side (and it's not insignificant!).

As she won’t be with you forever, use chance to build meaningful connections among all of you and enjoy. Keep conversations open in the evenings, listen to DDs’ “boring” stories on boys and her more elevated ones. The more they hear from each other, the better it will be for all of them.

I wouldn’t even bother replying to this shallow, derogatory, and judgmental comment. Some people here clearly lack the comprehension skills to reflect on what you’ve actually asked and instead jump to conclusions based on their narrow viewpoints.

Yes it is disturbing to hear that. I would not be paying for my children’s university if this is what they’re learning

No. I don’t feel like this as they are kids and not comparing them to anyone. My kids are not grown yet. You need to get friends your age!

Not personalities so much as their natures. My two sons natures were clear to see on the days of their births. My eldest came out indignant and very angry, like how dare I 😁 he was pretty high maintenance until he got to senior school, when he mellowed. My younger came out very chill in a, oh so we’re doing this are we, ok, wake me up when it’s time to start school. He was really chill throughout his childhood, an absolute breeze.

My sister and I both had very different natures from very early on. I was (and still am) very easy going and she isn’t (she’s quite exhausting at times and always has been).

I believe it’s part nature, part nurture but I don’t know how balanced that is.

As long as your children don’t pick up on this then you can’t help it . Also love isnt like a cake, there is plenty to go around . I have six siblings ( Dad remarried) and I know my Dad enjoys different things about all of us and that’s ok. I don’t feel neglected or worried about that, there is enough care and love to all feel special in our own ways. However I echo what others have said about making sure your daughters don’t ever feel stupid or ‘less than’ . Also as they grow up they will change and you might have more in common with them . It’s lovely that you are getting on with your SD though x

In your own words..." I think their heart is in the right place and they are wonderfully kind girls (more so than my step daughter, who is more cautious with her kindness) but they haven’t yet developed the maturity to understand that the vast majority of things in life don’t have a clear right and wrong."...

I seriously think you have issues! Why can't you just accept your daughter's for who they are??? You are so beyond critical. Everyone has room to grow. How dare you compare your children's intellect (the ones who YOU raised btw,) to another individual!! Shame on you! I think you need to find a friend if you require a certain level of intellectual conversation. Don't put that on your your daughters! Do yourself, and your kids a favor and seek counseling asap!

A different perspective is always interesting, but kids are a product of their surroundings and it seems as if the internet and social media are far bigger in your daughters lives than in your step daughters- this is likely to be a cultural as well as personality thing.
Children who grow up with 2 parents present tend to be more typical- this is true of your daughters. Your step daughter has a more individualistic outlook, this is usual with a child of a single parent, especially as she is an only child.
Also your daughters are your closest relatives you don't even have to like them to love them.
You are definitely focusing on comparisons too much, you need to see the good and bad in both, as someone said you have a bit of a crush because your step daughter stretches you intellectually.

I would see this very differently - it’s not about not having a work ethic from my pov, it’s about all of the joy and critical thinking being sucked out of learning because kids are so ridiculously overassessed. The curriculum is so rigid now and teachers are having to basically teach kids how to regurgitate facts to pass exams. Any curiosity is kicked out of them good and early. If teachers could spend more time asking kids what they think and less time telling them that xyz is the correct opinion (because that passes the exam) then we might see a different culture around learning.