DH won’t stay with me in hospital

Men were allowed to stay on our ward but I sent DP home because I was conscious of his snoring keeping others awake and I knew when I got home I would just want my bed to myself for a bit so best for DP to get some rest and facilitate me back at home.

The lady next to me kept her husband and he just stayed arguing with her and it kept us all up and made us all feel vulnerable. Really badly affected my mental health, and found it really invasive when trying to establish breastfeeding even with the thin flimsy curtains.

If your DP doesn't want to be there then I think you need to set your expectations for him to be very attentive once home.

OP I think you need to edit your post to highlight that you are also having a hysterectomy. That is an entirely different situation to just a c section.

You have childcare in place. So your other DC are taken care of.

He should be planning on staying. It's easier to go in with that being the plan than to have to switch at the last minute and have to scramble to put plans in place. If he comes prepared then there's no reason why he can't get at least some sleep and if you have child care in place he can go home for a nap during the day.

If you are feeling ok then he could go home. But that should be your decision.

All these "I was fine after my ELCS" how many of you also had your uterus removed at the same time?

You know? That big op that is well known to take several weeks to get over? The one that comes with the line "dont lift anything heavier than a kettle for the first 6 weeks"?

I had a slash and burn appendectomy due to peritonitis (as opposed to keyhole) and I was in agony for the first 2 weeks, and thats nothing like a c section or a hysterectomy, never mind both together!

I’ve had 3 sections. First in Covid, staying wasn’t an option!

second and third we had older children so I was happy for him to be there for them. I did say other dads were saying over and dh laughed and said not a chance in hell !

tbh he gets very anxious (adhd) without freedoms eg in a small curtained cubicle. He hates noises (sensory issues) so tbh it was way more relaxing just sleeping with my baby for a couple of days. Peaceful!!

To help his wife, who will have had two major surgical procedures simultaneously.

Most bloody depressing thread I've read in awhile. OP is having a major operation and will have to navigate her pain plus a newborn. Yet posters are trying to shame her by wanting practical support.
Ffs - why do people expect so little of the people who are supposed to love them ?

If it is nhs then you will be on a ward with others and he will be sleeping in a chair.
I had c section with dc1 and episiotomy with dc2 and was on a wards with both. The only place for him to actually sleep is a hard chair.
Even when we ended up staying for several weeks due to complications, we were moved to a room, but he still had a chair, albeit a reclining one. He stayed late and then went home for sleep.
You need DH to be strong and rested, not completely frazzled.
The nurses come when you buzz and do everything for you, change baby, help you to feed, help baby latch on, take you to the loo etc.

Only thing I’d add OP is that the care I received after an ELCS was exemplary compared to my first which ended in me in theatre getting stitches. It was like they KNEW (as they should!) that an ELCS meant I couldn’t do anything whereas with ‘just stitches’ (ha!) I was expected to get on with it.

I had to do everything myself after DS1 as during Covid and DH wasn’t allowed to stay.

It was so much better second time around with DS2, DH did all of the nappy changes, helped me in and out of bed, got things out my bag and bought me DS so I could feed him etc. Neither of us got much sleep but we all survived, when we got home we had my mum there to help with DS1 and me and DH took it in shifts to look after DS2 so we could both get some rest.

I would be feeling really upset in your shoes, I think your DH is being unreasonable.

My advice would be to a) fully discuss why he is so adamant he wont. If its because he doesnt think you will need him (I would guess that you were up and about after the last birth despite the tear?) then b) arrange a midwife appointment where she can fully explain the aftermath of a C Section and Hysterectomy and why you will need far more extra physical support afterwards than you did last time.

He needs it spelling out to him that this isnt just "one out of the sun roof", its major abdominal surgery X 2. I suspect that his idea of a c-section is just giving birth a different way, so whats the problem? You were fine last time so are probably being a drama queen this time. And he probably hasnt give the hysterectomy a thought.

However.....second piece of advice would be to think about how he is in general. A lot of men turn in lazy selfish arseholes during the first maternity leave. They get a little too used to having to do sod all except look after themselves. This is often not made blindingly obvious until the second baby is coming/has been born, especially if you havent been back to work between babies. After all, you are now trapped with two kids so what can you do about it?

Are there any behaviours that are making you wonder if he is turning into yet another waste of space?

I'm surprised he's allowed-I would have loved this, but the wards were so crowded there would have been nowhere for partners to go, plus there are some inconsiderate people who might have been loud/wandering in and out all night (which is probably the reason they were strict about visiting hours). Only mentioning this as if I'm so surprised (was in hospital recently and there was literally no space for patients, they were being kept on corridors and squeezed in all sorts of places), he might also have just expected it wouldn't be an option so he hadn't even considered it. Not that it means he shouldn't discuss it with you now! What are his reasons-does he have a business he needs to run, which he couldn't manage without sleep? Does he have other kids to look after/other caring responsibilities? Has he any health/disability needs which mean he'd struggle being in hospital? I think your hospital sounds amazing-it would be great for patients to have someone stay with them.

The small detail of looking after his baby whist his wife recovers from giving birth and hysterectomy.

It doesn’t matter what he wants. OP is the one who’s pregnant and facing massive surgery.

That’s untrue and unfair. With my first I had a GA when things suddenly went wrong and a very long very complicated surgery to get her out with two large incisions. I couldn’t sit for a couple of days afterwards, I had a catheter for several days, I was on oxygen. You can’t just mind over matter it and keep a vulnerable newborn safe through force of will.

You were fortunate, not everyone is.

Why on earth would he want to be in the hospital when there is so much to do at home? Bonkers.

What... Like you will for the next few months & women have done time out of mind lol

I would be hurt & let down if I were you. Has he given an actual reason? Might it be he struggles in hospitals or something?

You don't and aren't expected to, during visiting times your DH does it and when alone then the ward staff do.

It doesn't last long though the drugs wear off and best to start moving around as soon as you can.

It's a matter of hours, you'll likely be in max 2 nights and by the second 24 hours you should be moving around (slowly)

🤣🤣🤣

youve not been in hospital recently?

It's good this is your last baby. Even if he doesn't stay overnight he should be there as much as possible. No love here

DIL had a C-section recently. DS wasn't allowed to stay owing to the behaviour of some men overnight on the ward.
DIL said they were understaffed and took forever to answer the buzzer. If the mother wants her partner to stay and will benefit then they should. I'd be quite angry if DS had actually refused. They went home less than 24hrs after the birth. It was ten days when he was born

This!

having just been in hospital where using the buzzer was absolutely bloody pointless if he was able to stay & chose not to (when childcare is sorted) he would be asked where he wanted the divorce papers served! WTAF is he thinking?? Selfish bastard.

The finality of having a hysterectomy at the same time may impact on you. I found having mine very emotional. For that reason alone, support would be good.
I had twins with my c section. No support from partner overnight. If I had to combine with hysterectomy, knowing what I do now, I'd really want him there. Of course you'll cope. But it might be better with some support. Take care..

My husband was essential the two nights I was in hospital post c-section, because I couldn't physically reach yet alone lift my baby from the cot to pick him up, then I was too exhausted to hold my baby safely and I wasn't able to put him down either. The staff certainly did not help, sometimes answered the buzzer, usually did not. It scares me to think what might have happened had DH not come.

the commonest reason for a planned section-hysterectomy is going to be something like an invasive placenta, so there's possibly a whole load more to the story that the original post would suggest. In a lot of hospitals this would involve HDU type care for at least the first night, but also it's just possible that if it's being done before term the baby may be being cared for by neonates. There may not be an enormous amount of practical stuff for a partner to actually do on site if this is the case. OP might be better discussing with her team what they're expecting in terms of early recovery/care needs etc and then having another conversation with DH rather than canvassing opinion from people who don't know the whole situation.

Talk to the consultant as soon as possible - normally you can't lift anything heavier than a kettle after a hysterectomy as the risk of damage is so high. Lifting baby could be a big issue!!!