DH won’t stay with me in hospital

Yes you are clearly in the minority, those men you describe are not ones I recognise.

I don’t think stinking, snoring and inconsiderate men playing on their phones, sleeping in chairs, eating and milling around have any place on post partum wards with women who are partially clothed, bleeding, trying to breastfeed and in pain.

But I’m clearly in a minority because judging by this thread, women these days will implode if they haven’t got their DHs with them 24/7.

It’s official, the bar is in hell.

I too had a c/s after twins and no the nurses didn’t come when buzzed. I had to pick them up with my teeth and ended up missing meals because they forgot I was there. The fact I was attached to things and struggled to move quickly out of bed and get down corridors to collect food didn’t seem to register. So I had zero sleep and very little food living mostly on snacks I’d bought in. My husband wanted to stay but wasn’t allowed.

I’ve read things have deteriorated on maternity wards since, not improved.

I had prem twins and emergency c section staff do their best but really not enough of them to help the level needed which is why partners can stay

This is another thread where I am grateful for the husband I have. We support each other unconditionally. The low expectations of many women here never ceases to amaze and sadden me.

Ive had 3 c sections & my dh didn't stay overnight for any of them. I was absolutely fine without him - the midwives were really attentive over night. And it made much more sense for him to be fully rested so he could properly help me during the day so I could n doze, have a shower etc. He left the hospital each night at 10 & was back by 9am.

Some people hate hospitals, and the expectation he should spend a night in a chair is not fair.

Poor poor man. Having to sleep in a chair, how unfair!! What if the woman hates hospitals? Oh she gets no choice and should just quietly suck it up and not expect her husband to support her.

And I am cringing at all the competitive women showing off who managed to do it all after a major operation. I never had a Caesarean section but I know it is abdominal surgery and of course women are in pain. There is nothing wrong in admitting that. And having to manage a newborn too. Crazy.

And all this nonsense about the man being fully rested. I bet everything I own that a man who is point-blank refusing to stay in hospital, is not the kind of man that will be doing everything for his wife and children the next day.

NHS guidelines state a hystectomy that isn’t performed vaginally should lead to a 4-5 day hospital stay, they also state if you don’t have help at home your LA should be able to provide this. You also shouldn’t be lifting anything more than 3kg for 6-8 weeks and should be resting as much as possible.

How odd that many people think you don’t need any of the above if you’ve also had a c-section.

I think the sad expectation here is that women are expected to cope, not feel pain or need care and just focus on the baby. It doesn’t work like that. It’s unavoidable that op will prob be in pain, have pain killers, and need to stay up all night with the baby. @swampwomp your husband is disappointing. If he really won’t stay with you, do you have a helpful person that can stay. I know it’s not the same as it would enable him to bond with the baby but you need to put you first x

That’s two major surgeries and I would be more than a little hurt. Your hormones will be very disrupted as well as a hysterectomy is a very sudden menopause. I had a c-section with my first child and yes there’s a button to press but they are usually too busy to help. What are his reasons for not staying? My only advice to you re c section is do eat a lot of friut and fibre ( weetabix is good), avoid constipation at all costs. This happened to me and was agony because of stitches. Your husband doesn’t count caring or have empathy to be honest. Even to emotionally support you and think my wife will be scared / tired / in pain.

I swear I’m single because I expect men to be supportive and am always let down

meanwhile my 75 year old dad is picking me up after gynae surgery today and has offered to sleep on my sofa if I feel unwell

No I wouldn't want my hubby to stay, visiting is fine as he would be home for the kids and still has work etc aswell, plus he is good at chores round the house when I'm not around lol

Lots if people don’t want their partner with them (probably me, TBH), lots of people do want their partner with them.

But, you’ve said you do and given the circumstances, that’s all that matters.

I get what you’re saying about discussing it, but I do feel like this is the time where he should be trying to mitigate her problems, not her trying to mitigate his. There are a few times in life when you get to call the shots and I would say giving birth, and the aftermath, is one of them.

What happened with your previous children? If he stayed before and regretted it, will the conditions be the same this time? Are there ways to mitigate some of the problems he had? If you haven't had the option of his staying in the past, do both of you understand what to expect? Would it be worth having someone at the facility walk you through the set-up and address any big questions? Or do you know anyone who has given birth there recently that could describe what to expect? I think the two of you should discuss it fully - your reasons for wanting him to stay, his objections - and see where you end up.

I agree. I literally had zero help after a complex c-section with internal bleeding. My eyes were practically still crossed from the drugs, and I was left to look after a baby alone. I don’t think I could even reach the buzzer half the time, and when I did eventually manage to press it, nobody came. Apart from the one person who eventually did come and was angry with me for ringing it. I’d love to say that I was unusual, but I don’t think I was.

Yes he should stay if you want him to. You are having major surgery, you will have a newborn and by all accounts nursing care is sub standard due to the failing NHS. If you have childcare arrangements for other DC it is not going to kill him to have a poor nights sleep in order to support his wife who not only has carried his child for 9 months but undergone 2 major operations. Tell him to man up and stop being so selfish.

It isn’t staying needlessly overnight. Op will need her dh to pick the baby up. I’ve had a hysterectomy. She will struggle to stand up, may need to stay in bed for 24 hours post op if she’s wobbly and will be able to lift and carry.

And how was it when you had a csection and hysterectomy at the same time? Was bending and reaching and lifting a baby quite manageable?

im being sarcastic because you didn’t have that, you didn’t have such major surgery but you are perfectly willing to tell an anxious woman about to that she will be totally fine. It’s like saying you should be able to walk on your broken ankle, when I sprained mine I was back hobbling at work the next day.
(for what it’s worth I think women deserve full support with the baby overnight after a csection, and my dh was my support after difficult natural births)

But if there isn’t support for the op then it has to be her dh. She’s having a c section and hysterectomy and there will be a baby to look after. She can’t get the baby out of crib full stop.

I would have really struggled if my partner didn't stay, our DS was 10lb 7oz born and I could not lift him that first night. Plus there were 2 emergency births come into the hospital and all the staff were gone for hours.

Of course he should stay. You're the one having major surgery so you're the one who gets to decide - he should be supporting you.

My own personal experience: I've had 2 c-sections. The first my husband was not allowed to stay overnights and for the second one he was. Having his help made things SO much easier, physically and emotionally. He changed all nappies overnight, brought the baby to me when she needed feeding, and helped with any crying.

The hospital staff are busy, especially overnight when there are less of them, and can't be relied upon to assist you.

Ah the C Section. The only abdominal surgery where you are expected to mind a vulnerable newborn and feed it the same day as the surgery.

Of course he should stay with you. Of course it doesn't matter a damn if he is "rested" - the OP will be in pain - from having her actual abdomen cut open - trying to feed, trying to get a bowel movement going, wearing compression socks in case of a pulmonary embolism - so yeah i think her husband might want to forego perfect rest for a couple of nights to help her and his newborn baby.

The bar is SO low for men.