DH won’t stay with me in hospital

Start asking around friends and family to see if someone else can come and stay with you; explain to them that you H is refusing to and you don’t want to be alone, in pain, with restricted movement and caring for a newborn.

Your husband is a useless excuse of a father and a pathetic spouse.

If you didn’t have care in place for your older children I’d understand it, but you’re going to be at your most vulnerable, you’ve asked him for help and he’s saying No.

Did he stay previously?
My DH stayed before and I know he would not again 😂 (unless it was life & death situation of course). Staying on the floor/chair is not fun for anyone plus the food options aren’t great from hospital cafes,
partners aren’t fed hospital food.
I don’t blame him

How do you know I didn’t? And just for the record a c section is considered major abdominal surgery. How do you know I don’t know others that have had both at the same time as well and have asked this very question?

I said it woukd be fine to reassure and it was her needs that were important.

But hey you just got annoyed/offended or whatever word you want to use.

She asked for opinions I gave mine. You may not like it but that was my and experience.

I stand by what I said - it was fine. I didn’t need my husband there.

All these women cheerfully having C section either no support - Did you have a hysterectomy at the same time though? That is what OP will be having.

least one of you will be rested...

yes it should be the mum who has just given birth via c section not the husband who hasn't. He can rest before the birth.

The number of people who don’t read the thread properly astound me and spout off about oh I did it it was easy - and “only” had a c section. Poor OP is having a c section AND a hysterectomy. This really isn’t as common as purely c section. I think the pure fact they offer other halves to stay is because they know they’re short staffed and it helps them out too.

And loads more have horror stories of neglect that has led to mental and physical damage.

For my first (6 years ago) we ended up in a private room which had a chair that folded out a bit (not into a full bed though) and my DH could stay as long as he liked.

For my second I was on a ward and visitors/birth partners all had to leave by 8pm

That’s so good for the mum and the whole family. Impressive and state funded. I bet it saves money in the long run as the mum can recover.

You wouldn’t love alone time if you were in so much pain that you couldn’t move and had to lie there and listen to your baby cry while the midwives ignored you…

I’ve had 2 sections - one emergency and one planned. The planned one my recovery was much easier and I managed ok without help overnight, but the emergency was awful and there’s no way I could have managed without my DH there.

Hopefully the OP’s recovery won’t be as bad but it’s hard to predict and the fact that your DH point blank refuses to stay with you… unbelievable.

Some on here obviously commenting having never experienced a really rough c-section recovery and have no idea what they are talking about.

I lived in the Netherlands for a bit and thought it sounded great. Essentially for ten days after birth you get a helper who will offer breast feeding support, clean, bring you cups of tea and look after baby while you shower/ nap.

It’s state funded but I’d of paid for a similar service.

These services do exist - doulas/maternity Nannie’s I paid £20/hr for someone who was super experienced, I got her at home but she would have come to hospital if I’d wanted

What about some compromise- he goes home at 11ish, home by 11.30 I'm guessing, he leaves home again at 7.30 to be with you at 8. That will give him 8 at home, 7 hours sleep plus shower and breakfast, which is definitely enough sleep to fully function on. That's what we did. I don't understand why he is leaving late afternoon and then coming back late morning, that's ridiculous

If that’s his attitude I think you’re better relying on the hospital staff. I know it can be a bit tough but they may still be more responsive than him! Could you get a friend or family member to stay instead. My Oh would be rubbish at this too.

Are these NHS hospitals,do they actually provide beds for husbands, separate rooms for you both? is it a normal thing these days?. My youngest dgd is 2, and I've never heard of dad's staying overnight. I was nursing,it wasn't maternity,we let family stay over if someone was really poorly.

How does that work?

Which is why OP wants her DH there over night, because she wants to safely look after their baby.

I said with a C section I’d maybe be ok alone, but of course I’d missed out the hysterectomy on top. That would change things.

That's like the "kraamzorg" system in the Netherlands.

Even volunteers! That would be an idea?

I would expect my partner to stay, and he did in similar circumstances. My OH wanted to be there to help me and bond with baby so I didn’t have to ask anyway. Really strange to me that so many people wouldn’t want or expect this.

I've had 3 c-sections. First baby husbands weren't allowed to stay and frankly it was awful. The reason they changed the rule was that there's not enough midwives on postnatal. I was left alone holding a baby whilst on a magnesium sulphate drip. Really unsafe.

2 and 3 were in another country. He was planning to stay with me the first night, but we learnt that there they still have a nursery overnight and so I sent baby there and him home. Same for #3. But if I hadn't had the nursery I absolutely would have needed him the first night. I couldn't move well enough to pick baby up from the bassinet, and for 2 of my 3 I had significant blood loss, requiring a transfusion once. I was not fit to be left alone.

With a hysterectomy on top you absolutely need to have someone there to help. If your DH won't, you need someone else with you. The odds of the midwives having enough time to help you are just not good enough to want to rely on it.

Ideally the NHS would provide but I feel like there is a market for post birth helpers. Like a private health care workers who will fetch and carry, clean your sheets, pass your baby, help you wash etc. In hospital and out.

So often I think women are just chucked in at the deep end. Sleep deprivation is torturous. I think it’s really important contributes massively to PND.

I had an emergency C-section but there was no option for my husband to stay with me. He stayed with me for a while after, but once I was moved to the ward, he had to go home. I'm glad he did go home because he needed to be rested. I was in a lot of pain, and could barely do anything for myself. He spent a lot of time once I was home running around doing things for me, our son and chores. Keep pressing that buzzer! Also tell the midwives if you're struggling. Mine on the ward were very good, and helped me.

There is an awful lot my husband did for me and for the baby each time I was in for a CS, including ensuring I had water and food, fetching things from my bag, handing me the baby, watching I didn't drop the baby if I fell asleep (first one I lost a lot of blood and was on the verge of a transfusion - I could not get up without fainting for 24 hours and was unable to stay awake for long), changing the baby, getting milk for the baby, hunting down the midwives who had locked the milk room and had the keys, getting me painkillers, reminding the nurses that I'd been prescribed additional painkillers and that I needed them (if you're having a hysterectomy, I'd say this bit is especially important, as midwives are not surgery nurses and seem to completely shrug off the idea you'll be in pain post surgery), helping me shower, helping me to the loo etc.

He had a camping mat and sleeping bag, and managed to sleep enough whilst I was in.

Honestly OP, my mum had a hysterectomy and I remember how carefully she was treated both in hospital (don't lift ANYTHING!) and at home (no lifting the kettle for the first 6 weeks, etc, etc). Honestly, it was nothing like the "care" I received in hospital after each of my ELCS, which boiled down to "well you have a baby now, and you should be more concerned about caring for them than caring for yourself, plus we're busy so anything above your obs will be met with irritation and often a disappearing act".

I'd strongly consider recruiting a friend of family member to be your nominated partner overnight if he won't step up.

Can I just say…if they’re annoyed that you press the buzzer, so what? Let them be annoyed. It’s shit enough that they’re devolving nursing responsibilities to unqualified partners (let’s be honest, the actual purpose of this arrangement in some hospitals). If they are mardy then just ignore, and remember they are PAID to do a job. They’re not doing you a favour.

To answer your question though, I think it makes sense for your DH to go home and sleep but why don’t you agree with him that you’ll see how you feel at the time? And whatever you decide then, he needs to go along with.