DH won’t stay with me in hospital

@Calmdownpeople I had a complicated hysterectomy last year. I literally couldn’t move for about three days, and for a few days after that I would faint every time I stood up. I was hooked up to IV and a catheter. I was off my face on four types of strong pain relief including morphine. I didn’t know what day of the week it was. I was in hospital for two weeks.

There is ZERO chance that I could have taken care of a newborn baby. I couldn’t even take care of my own needs for the first few days.

OP, I’d suggest that you call the ward and talk to a midwife. Explain your concerns and your situation. If they say “You will absolutely need someone with you, and baby will need another caregiver” that might change his lazy, selfish mind.

Who said anything about staying alone? I haven’t.

Yes. If you have no mother, sister, female friend. You can pay for a doula just like you can pay for childcare. To my mind, DC come first. So dad should be home with the DC, otherwise DC feel like they are being forgotten as mum and dad are all about the new baby.

So is 3am when you cant get your baby yourself and the only midwives are dealing with a secondary haemorrhage or frankly don't care about you. I'm a midwife saying this. You're risking your life by staying alone. It's that serious in hospitals now.

I believe that. I don’t think they should be in the wards overnight. To visit, yes, but not spend the night. It’s a very vulnerable time for women.

Pay someone to stay with you?

Indeed. DH didn’t sleep much for the 6 nights we were in in a regular non-reclining chair. He ended up getting a bad chest infection and his legs ballooned as he didn’t lie flat for so long. I never heard a single word of complaint about him being tired. He got the fuck on looking after DD and me, he’d thought he might lose us both and the very least he thought he could do was make sure I was fed and watered, could sleep when I needed, was as clean as possible, he got help to get her feeding, he did every single thing he could. I’d never loved him more. Yes he felt grim but I’d been on the table for hours and had a complicated recovery and that came first.

When he’s been ill and had surgery I’ve done everything in my power to support him. Otherwise what’s the point?

I don't think that anyone feels particularly worse after having a section and hysterectomy. I mean there may be some emotional struggles perhaps, but honestly, it depends on why you're having it and if it will alleviate ongoing issues.

I think your DH is right to prioritise your existing DC over sitting by your bed in hospital. Sorry.

If you’re worried about needing help because staff aren’t doing their jobs, then instead of childcare arrangements you should be doing a doula arrangement to have someone with you in hospital.

Yep. And if he has a poor nights sleep in the chair, that’s pretty much lots of mums every night for months. He can suck it up for a night or two?!

To what extent will the OP also having a hysterectomy affect how she feels and her ability to care for her baby immediately after the operation? I assume that the operation is much more complex than a straightforward C-section and the recovery time will be longer?

Oh yes.

Make sure you give him your painkillers too. No point you both being in pain.

Has anyone started with the "men shouldn't stay in maternity units" yet?

What the fuck is everyone going on about his need to sleep for? He can manage one night in a reclining chair.

It's not like he's run a marathon, fought the hoardes or actually done fucking anything - he's sat and watched the surgeons deliver his child!

On the other hand, his wife is getting spliced and diced, and no, the staff aren't going to help as much as she needs.

I don't get the whole "at least one of you is rested" like yeah, the one that hasn't been pregnant, in labour, given birth, has major injuries, is breastfeeding. He needs to stay and do everything he can to look after YOU. It's literally like you running a marathon and him needing a nap because he watched.

Also this he should be rested bullshit has actually pissed me off.

That's a newborn. They don't let you rest.
This is his life now.

All he'd have to do is get up with the baby.
The exact same as any other mother any other day.

She's not asking him to go to war

Why shouldn't the rested one OP? It boggles me that when there's a choice of who should get sleep, a woman who has just had a c-section AND hysterectomy or a man, so many people will pick the man.
I wonder if a man had major surgery and a newborn to look after, if his wife would be told to go home and leave him to struggle with the baby and his recovery, so she can get a good night's sleep.

I am a hospital doctor. I would urge anybody these days to have a supportive advocate on the ward with them for as long as possible. The wards are too understaffed and basic needs are often not met. If you’re allowed somebody with you, take them. Whether they are husband, parent or friend.

⬆️ this says everything you need to know.

I'd want someone with me and I'm a midwife...

OP I've worked on maternity wards and I think your dh should stay because

1. You've asked him to
2. You're having major abdominal surgery. It's not fair for anyone involved to expect you to cope feeding and changing a baby after this. I'm sure the nurses would love to dedicate somebody one to one but this just isn't feasible with the current state of the NHS. We all know this
3. You've asked him to
4. Unfortunately you just can't be sure that on a busy maternity ward staff are going to be vigilant to any subtle signs of deterioration in you or baby. Your partner would be able to do this
5. You've asked him to
6. You've asked him to

I'd be insisting that he stays or I'd be recruiting somebody else as a birthing partner who is willing to stay and tough shit if that means he misses baby's birth. If he has a form for this I'd also be mentally making a plan how you're going to leave and cope without him after the birth. If he's this much of a clueless and selfish twat about this one issue I'd say there's a pretty good chance this will show itself in other ways as well unfortunately.

(also getting hysterectomy)

Any possibility you have a Mum or sister who would be up for a bit of nurturing and support for you? You're right to be concerned. Can you ask the hospital what extra baby support will be in place in these circumstances. Don't leave things to chance.

Actually, I think it needs spelling out more explicitly to your husband that this isn't a straightforward 'caesarean birth scenario' and he should be aware of the potential issues and aftercare support that will needed. He needs to be fully informed so he can step up.

How could he have stayed previously?? This is clearly her first hysterectomy, she’s pregnant 🤦🏻‍♀️

Can your mum stay instead?