DH won’t stay with me in hospital

My husband didn't stay with me when our second was born, but it was a straightforward vaginal birth and he had to look after our DS.

If you don't have any childcare issues then he should do whatever you feel more comfortable with.

My experience after 2 c sections recently was appalling. They absolutely did not help me lift the baby, or get the baby in or out of the cot if I was unable.
There is zero chance I would have been able to spend a night changing nappies and settling a baby.
Your husbands a dick.

The DC will be fine with a trusted family member. pp’s also seemed more concerned about his sleep needs than DC’s needs.

Remember that not everyone can afford doulas either.

No they're not. Nurses generally don't want anything to do with childbirth. A few children's nurses go into obstetric nursing but that's basically doing nightcare for the baby and is very expensive.

True, but most are retired nurses. I ensured the ones I hired were. I did my due diligence and background checks. Just like you would with anyone you hire for a job title that isn’t regulated.

That’s fine. That’s your choice.

I don’t agree that a DH staying home with DC is being lazy or selfish. It is prioritising the DC they already have.

I don’t agree that men are the only option for assistance on a maternity ward when you can get a professional in.

Doulas aren't medically trained and it isn't a protected title. There are courses you can do. A body you can sign.up to. But anyone can call themselves a doula.

PPH can be caused by trauma, tissue left behind, or poor uterine tone. The fact that a woman can have a PPH of 1.5L or more and leave hospital the next day is testament to the adaptations the pregnant body makes. You're designed to recover quickly from severe haemorrhage at the point of delivery. You're likely alive now because of your increased clotting factor in the perinatal period.

Personally I lost 900mls at one of my births. Was totally fine. I went to give blood (400mls) another time (not perinatal) and I felt sick and faint for 2 days.

Yes I know the maternity staff that are used to being able to BS patients, neglect them & fob off useless male partners find doulas challenging because a doula is medically trained and is going to call them out on any shortcomings.

Mine did plenty and I had no interest in a doula. I wouldn’t have managed without DH, the midwives were busy and I had twins.

Do you know that a lot of maternity staff actually find doulas quite a challenging presence?

The vast majority of men who stay in hospitals are considered helpful and wanted by the people they're with. That's why women campaign for them to be allowed to stay.

I wonder why then, that I had two PPHs requiring blood transfusions if my body was so geared up to clot so well.

I’m sure they don’t say “You’ll be fine to whip the hoover round after a week. You wouldn’t ordinarily for six weeks, but you’ve just had a baby so you’ll be grand!”

If you defy doctors’ advice not to lift or bear weight post hysterectomy, you risk developing painful bowel and bladder problems for life.

It’s my experience observing the men with their partners on maternity wards when I was with female relatives and friends. Many are scrolling on their phones, bickering with their partners, loafing uselessly at the nurses station for a few minutes and then shrugging and giving up, they disappear for hours god knows where. They will ogle other women and make them uncomfortable. They snore and fart in their sleep waking up their partners who are exhausted. They whinge that they can’t get anything ready at home because they are stuck at the hospital. They loudly take calls from the babysitter and often wake their partner so SHE can resolve whatever issue the babysitter has.

So much better imho to have a professional doula with you who knows how to navigate a hospital, is known by the maternity staff, and will be listened to if you or baby need urgent attention. Most doulas are retired nurses.

I had my babies had home.
I had hired a doula to be with me at home as well as the midwives.
If I had had to transfer to hospital, she would have accompanied me.

I think so too. I think it’s better for family to be rested and get in professional help. I don’t think it’s helpful for either parent to return home exhausted tbh.

I've been on night shifts where I've been with one woman all night and the rest of the women I'm caring for have had to make do with obs and BF advice from a HCA who also has 30 beds to do.

Thank you for your amazing work and for all the help and care you provide - I am sorry you are all working under such budgetary and personnel pressures at the moment. Would you mind sharing your experience, please, of "Martha's Rule", "patient advocates" and facilities of that sort that are in the hospitals you've worked in please?

For others reading who aren't aware: Martha's Rule came about very recently after a child died from sepsis in part, per the coroner's findings, because her parent's concerns about her deteriorating condition were not responded to in a timely fashion, and she wasn't moved to the ICU. Martha's Rule means that most/all hospitals now have system by which any patient or their caregivers/family etc can call the hospital switchboard and ask that the patient advocate service (in Hampshire it's called "Call 4 Concern" but they should all understand the term "Martha's Rule") step in to help them. It triggers (in theory) an immediate report that will cause the ward to either be phoned/visited (both) to check the standard of care and, if needs be, provide a "second opinion". That's a very broad explanation - but suffice it to say that if someone is worried about the care they are getting, and has asked for help from the on-ward care team and isn't satisfied with the care they are recieving, then can and should call the hospital switchboard (some hospitals also have a dedicated number on their internal phone lines/patient phones). It requires the report to be logged and for something to be done - so it'll be in the record of care.

Prior to Martha's Rule most hospitals already had a patient advocate service - it is often referred to as PALS (Patient Advocacy and Liaison services - you can find the info online) but it may not have had a 24/7 contact point/trigger like it does now. It's also striking to me how few people - including the hospital staff - know about the service. Perhaps it's a feature of a culture of finding it awkward to ask for help/understanding how to advocate for oneself/asking someone else to advocate for you. Having experienced hospital care in the US and the UK I've found that US hospitals are far better at having those contact numbers/services publicised around the wards etc. Though the last time I was in a UK ward (neuro/spine - yay!) there was a sticker on the phone/call button that had that information on it - and encouraged people to reach out if they felt they were having a difficult time getting the care they needed.

If you're going into hospital for planned procedures/to have a baby please take the time to read up about this prior to going in. You can ask the hospital how they deal with Martha's Rule assistance requests, and what their patient advocate facilities are. The NHS has to publish information on these services (HIPAA compliant of course!!!) so it should be readily available - both the services themselves, and how they are staffed/utilised etc.

Is that based on the fact that your man didn't or wouldn't do much? Or extensive experience of maternity wards?

It is different. Probably because of the adaptations the body makes to pregnancy. The women i see having them in maternity wards seem to have a faster recovery time than those who have it as a gynae procedure. Your body has geared up for major blood loss for 9 months and clots very well.

You won't need him. You are in a hospital. I think it's a little ridiculous adults having a supporter staying overnight. If you were in pain he wouldn''t be able to prescribe for you, he could go to the nurses station but you would still need to wait until they got round to ir

My male partner has just been on a post surgical gastro ward. The operation is similar to a C section. They are waited on hand and foot. It's amazing how women who have just had major surgery are handed a new born baby and have to get on with it.
If it was a woman in my family, she wouldn't be left alone. Help is needed and unlike gastro wards, the staffing isn't adequate. After every failing, which to the UK's shame often means another baby or Mother death, the investigations have been saying the same thing for years.

Yes they can, but it’s not the only choice.

I’d rather have a professional female doula with me and newborn in hospital and DH at home with the DC.

I personally think the men with their partners don’t do much anyway and I personally think maternity wards should not have men there overnight for the dignity and comfort of all women.

No. I’d imagine it would have been completely pain free if I’d have a section at the same time. 🙄 What a silly question.

My DH didn't stay overnight for our second child (also a c-section) as we both felt he was better going home to care for our first. I guess the difference is that he was fully prepared to stay and we had childcare in place should it be needed. We had a provisional plan that he'd return home in the evening once I felt able to manage but he had the option of staying if for any reason I was struggling.

For us though it was about our older child who was only 2 and would certainly be happier waking up to dad there in the morning, especially as her little world was being turned upside down by the baby being born. Yes him having rest was helpful, but his rest wasn't more important than mine. I guess I was breastfeeding and also had to stay on the ward overnight, whereas he didn't have to. So in those circumstances, it was much better for him to get a proper night's sleep, care for our toddler and make sure the house was ready for us to come home to.

I think this would have felt very different though if he'd been refusing to stay! He would have done whatever I wanted him to, and whatever I needed at the time, and it was me wanting him to be at home.

Edit to add that yes, it was hard to care for baby after the surgery but manageable. They encourage you to get up and move as soon as you feel able as it aids recovery. DH waited until I'd had the catheter out and felt able to get myself to the toilet and back, and move around the bay a little. We set everything up that I'd need within arm's reach. I didn't have a problem with it, but this was my second c-section so I knew what to expect, and the pain was manageable. This is different for everyone.

Did you have yours after a section?

DC can be adequately cared for by someone else overnight.